FROM MARYAM TO YASMINE

Yasmine,
I am sorry I do not believe all you have said in recent times thusa my not bothering to reply you. Yasmine, if not for this tragic situation I found myself do you or have you ever dreamt of echanging words with a person of my calibre.Anyway in the first place I did not contact you for this transaction so you should stay out. if your husband chooses to help, fine and good if he does'nt he owes me no grudge either. so, stop all this your shit and name calling. You ever give this a thought you knoiw how to get to me.
Hajia Maryam.

FROM MARYAM TO DIRK

Dear Dirk,
I gathered from my attorney the security company has already contacted you, I will advice instead of your coming here to go ahead and conclude this transaction with the security company. you accused my attorney of inconsistaency well you have to know that you takes orders from him as he reports to me directly you are anly doingme a favour, but when anything goes wrong, he will be here with me not you. I awit your prompt response. Please do everything possible to see this transaction through this time around. What the security company says, do let me know as I am very eager to conclude this transaction.
Maryam.

FROM DIRK TO MARYAM


Maryam,

One word: SHENANIGANS. I am declaring SHENANIGANS on this entire mess.

I came off my airplane expecting to see you. You make me look like a fool. The only person there was some African guy holding a "Mr. Bukakke" sign.  What the fuck? Do you not understand the words that are in my emails?  Apparently, you do not really care about all of this and it's been one big joke. Is your son even sick? I'm guessing you don't even have a son.

Well, I'm here now. I'm checked into my hotel. I'm going to try to find my slutty wife. That is, if she hasn't run off with your "so-called" friend Sule. Maryam, that man is half idiot and that's the good half. I will expect your reply to be in my inbox by the time I get back.

Dirk

PS - Nigeria is not as bad as I thought. I thought there would be more wild animals running around. My hotel actually has a pool.



FROM MOHAMED (YES, THE MOHAMED) TO DIRK


PROFANATOR NOTE: This is another scammer by the same name that I was trying to hook. I forwarded the reply to the Ebola Monkey Man who thought it was the same deal. The Hilarious thing is he pulled him in without a hitch! Way to go Monkey!


Dear Mr.Dirk Tookhardy,
l enclosed with my photograph for us to have intimate knowledge of ourself.Now l wish to fax you the certificate of Deposite which l use in lodging the consignment containing the money with the security company and other relivant documents which will enable you to collect the consignment with out stress.First i wish to know from you if you can come to Africa here{Ghana} to collect the consignment.
Awaiting your responce as soon as posible.

Thanks,
Mohamed!












EBOLA MONKEY NOTE:  The Mohamed Scam is finished.  Go back to the homepage to access the complete version. 

FROM DIRK TO MOHAMED

Dear Mohamed,

Thank you for the email. Sorry I did not write you sooner. I had a long  night. I don't know if Maryam has told you but I'm dealing with personal issues, as well as business issues. I'm just waking up. I have jet lag, I'm hung over, and my Nigerian friends seem to only be using me for my money. They didn't even have the courtesy to pick me up at the airport.

Nice picture by the way. Just out of curiosity, is that a newspaper article? Also, I noticed your name is Mohamed. What is it like to be Jewish in Africa? Is there a heavy Jewish community in Ghana? I too am
Jewish. I'm very excited.

I can come to Ghana in two shakes of a elephants tail. Just let me know.  I've got cash. It' s American money. Will this be a problem?

Dirk!

PS - I have included a photo of me with the cab driver from the airport. This way, you know what I look like. His name is Peter Aka. He was really nice. I am the guy on the right by the way. I bet you just got a sense of
relief. You were probably thinking, "Jesus, how am I going to identify Dirk as he looks like everyone in Africa."

Email me ASAP.


FROM MARYAM TO DIRK


Dirk,
It seems you think this is a child's play but it is not. Dirk why are you treating me like this, I thought you said you were willing to help me with this transaction but now, the reverse is the case. I am very suprise at you in the sense that anytime I send you any mail, instead of discussing the issue at stake, you go about talking of things that are of no importance to me. look I know you sent me a mail in the guise of yasmine anyway, you have the right to decide whether to proceed with this transaction or not which one you choose do get back to me. I am not ready to discuss unimportant things with you my life is at stake for gopodness sake and all you talk about is frivolities. I wish to hear from you if really you are serious. Otherwise do not bother to reply. As for your suppose wife, count me out.

Hajia Maryam.

FROM DIRK TO MARYAM

Maryam,

What? Are you on drugs? Do you see dead people? Because you have lost your mind. I'm the only person trying to help you and your dying son. Remember? I don't see your girlfriend Sule stepping up with the cash. If I see him, I shall pull his ovaries out. God knows he has them.

I refuse to listen to the empty rhetoric. You did not have the decency to even pick me up from the airport. If I wasn't such a stand up guy, I would just let your son die. I refuse to sink as low as you and Sule. I thought you and me were friends. Maybe this is Sule's fault. Did she say something to you? Your behavior is suspect. I feel like you guys violated me and didn't have the common courtesy to give me a reach around.

I'm working with Mohamed now. He seems to be the only sensible and intelligent one of the group. I have the money for your son. Do you want it or not? My attitude now is "if he dies, he dies." I know what you are thinking, "that's the same attitude the Russian in Rocky 4 had about Apollo Creed." Well sweetheart, I'm now the Russian and your son is Apollo.

Dirk


FROM DIRK TO MARYAM AND SULE

Dear friends,

I will be accepting apologies today as I am in a great mood. I decided late last night that I am going to get over the Yasmine deal. To do this, I went to this nightclub, I believe you call them discos, called KoKo's on Ozumba
Mbadiwe Street. It was sheer madness. Wall to wall African girls. I mean real African women. Dark, like the ones on National Geographic. I met this guy Peter Okoye. He was so cool. He gave me this stuff called Khat. I was bouncing off the walls. We ended up going back to my hotel with these four African girls: Abeba, Tata, Johari, and Jennifer. It was crazy. I later realized they were prostitutes and Peter was there pimp, but what the hell. I had a blast. So much fun and hawked up on Khat all night, I just woke up. I have never had an African woman, let alone four.. I love it. I don't think I will go back with American girls.

Anyway, I'm rambling and still a little high. Regardless, I will be accepting apologies. I'm ready to give you the money to save your son, and want to complete the transaction.

Let's do this.

Dirk

PS - Do they sell Khat in America? That stuff is amazing. I wonder if I can ship some back. Any thoughts on how to do that.















FROM SULE TO DIRK


Dear Dirk,
Do you really want to go ahead with this transaction? if yes, try a s much as possible to respond to the security company as i have confirm that you have been contacted already by the security company.
Thank GOD you had a nice time in Nigeria. Hope things works out this time around.

Waiting to hear from you.
Sule.

FROM THE EBOLA MONKEY MAN

Maryam,

Your friend Mohamed is the only one I want to talk too. I'm sure you have his information but here it is anyway.

Mohamed,

I'm just letting Maryam know I talked to you. How far is Ghana from Lagos?   You do know I am in Lagos, right?

Dirk


PROFANATOR NOTE: This is the longest, strongest and most no holds barred smackdown I have ever seen. I drove myself into a frenzy to try to get these fuckers to respond. The EB Man stuck with me through thick and thin! He is a good man!

FROM: THE PROFANATOR TO: MARYAM AND SULE


Dear Maryam and Sule:

Congratulations, due to your sheer inability to be offended, I am going to recommend to my partner in crime, the Ebola Monkey, (www.ebolamonkeyman.com) that you are to be placed in the most resiliant catagory for this year's 419 Fraud Scam Excellence Awards. The most amazing thing to me is that you are probably one person pretending to be two. At least we are actually two people. However, for the sake of clarity, I will go with my gut and address you as a solitary piece of shit. Therefore, I will call you goat-fucker.

Goat-fucker:

You are a dumbass, unethical, peice of lying sack of shit con-artist with no talent. Me and my associate do this for fun; that is right, we taunt sacks of elephant doo-doo like you into wasting lots of your time, energy, and hopefully money. How much were the phone calls you bitch?

There was never a point when we beleived your foul lies or stupid excuses. What kind of deranged goat-fucking moron are you for thinking that you are anywhere near intelligent enough to get money from hard working people like us? You are truly the scum of the earth living your poor little lives. I have a suggestion: GET AN HONEST JOB, ASSHOLE.

Back to cocksucking, though.

At the expense of great personal energy, I have compiled a list of reasons why you are stupid. If you work on these you may actually scam someone one day:

Firstly, you understand english like your wrinkled ass mother fucks. Poorly.

Secondly, you fucked up your lawyer's name in the third e-mail or something. That is truly pathetic you vaginal butt-bleed.

Thirdly, You are just stupid. Did you go to school, or was education watching your tribal elder father blowgun wilderbeast to death?

Fourthly, How could you be strung along for such a long time with the pictures we sent you. I mean come on -- how fucked up do you think Americans are? (that is a loaded question -- I dare you to respond motherfucker)

And, finally, you were just too inconsistant. I mean, your son was dying and you just kept on whining for the good of the transaction. What kind of sick fuck are you to claim that shit anyway? I hope you get kidney failure after being boned by an elephant and your eyeballs fill up with piss.

Goat-fucker, don't feel bad. You did not know you are so stupid. The best thing about this, you lip- plated, mugu motherfucker, is that lots of people are going to read the e-mails we have sent back and forth. So the fake names you gave me for the Western Union, which are probaly your real names, are to be sent to the U.S. Secret service as well as the Nigerian police. See your ass in jail you bitch.

So, on a personal note: I would love to come to Nigeria. It would be funny to watch your poor, unethical ass be in awe of my money. You see, I have a job, and a very good one. I earn money, drive a nice car, eat and drink well and what do you do? You fuck the family goat. A further benefit of such a trip would be my ability to pound holy hell out of you for every person you have angered, which would conclude in the insertion of a Zulu tribesman up your rectum.

Be warned: If there is a hell, you are going there. You will end up being ass raped in jail one day and I will be laughing the whole time.
So come on you motherfucking mugu asshole shit head. Reply, or does the cat have your tongue.

Sincerely, with the fondest of memories,

The Profanator (Yasmine)

P.S. I fucked your ugly assed, saggy titty having mother last night.

P.P.S Damn you are stupid!

HEY EBOLA MONKEY MAN: what do you think? Do they deserve the consideration for the most resiliant? I would love to know how they ranked on your professional scale.


FROM: THE EBOLA MONKEY MAN TO: MARYAM AND SULE


Dear Maryam and Sule:

As you know by now, provided you aren't completely fucking stupid, the Profanator and I enjoy fucking with you people. I am the Ebola Monkey Man, you know me as Dirk Toolhardy. I've been playing Nigerian Scammers for quite some time now and would consider myself an expert on the process.
Please be offended when I say this:

You are really bad at scamming. You are one of the worst Nigerian Scammers I have ever come across. You need to practice. I've played a lot of scammers in my time but they weren't as stupid as you. I guarantee the Profanator and I could beat you in a Nigerian Scam contest. There is no doubt in my mind that if The Profanator and I were as unethical as you, we could pull down more money. Even though we are not Nigerian, we would still do better. You are really bad. I feel embarrassed by the way try this scam. Are there any other scams that you could do? The 419 scam is definitely not your strength. It's weird, most people I show these email
conversations to laugh at the scammer. Everyone I showed yours to, felt embarrassed for you. You need to try something else to make money. You should wrestle gorillas or something. Hunt elephants and sell their ivory tusks for extra cash. I'm being serious with you. Even though I wish you would die from being eaten by a lion, or whatever it is you fuckers usually kick from, I still feel I owe to you to get you to stop. Only because you
are extremely stupid and really bad at this scam gig. I know I keep repeating myself about how bad you are at this. Jesus, I can't help it. I have to keep saying it. This can't be the first time you are hearing this.
Is it?

Wow, I can't believe how stupid you are. You have to be the idiot of the tribe. I bet you probably throw spears like a girl. God knows you scam like one. You probably wore the small lip plates. Tell the truth, I bet your fellow tribesman didn't trust you enough to let you carry a blow gun.

Oh my God. I can't get over how bad you are at this. I just thought of the perfect African name for you. It's something you can be really proud of and say with pride. SHAKKA STUPID. What do you think? I'm renaming you SHAKKA STUPID. Go tell the tribe.

In case you didn't understand that, I'll say it in your language. Ooooga boooga, boooooooga, oooooooooga.

Please die soon and make the world a better place. I don't know what else to say SHAKKA STUPID. What are you thinking?

I got to go now.

Ebola Monkey Man

www.ebolamonkeyman.com
(even though you are really bad, I'm still putting you up on this site)

HEY PROFANATOR: I wish I could rate their performance. I feel that would be unfair to the other Nigerian Scammers. They are so bad at this. I tried to critique it, using my scale, but re-reading their emails to us made me sick to my stomach. I almost feel cheated by them. I wish we could get our lost time back. I should have known they were amatures by the second email. Remember the time when you told them you were at the hotel and they emailed you with the wrong address? See what I mean. They are so fucking stupid. I just hope we have helped them realize how bad they are at this. What do you think? Will they learn their lesson?


FROM: THE PROFANATOR TO: MARYAM AND SULE


Dear Goat-fucker:

While my friend the Ebola Monkey shares the same passion for baiting you fuckheads, he is not as forgiving or kind as I am.

EBOLA MONKEY: There were some positive points behind their scam, I am sure. I am buggered if I can recall them, but I am sure there were.

However, I write to you again in great sadness. You see, my esteemed and distinguished colleague, The Ebola Monkey, has a favorite part to this whole deal: allowing him to retort. By not writing back, you are denying this emotional man the ability to do so, thus negating his happiness. C'mon Goat-fucker, are you not mad as hell? Let it out, bitch!

May I ask you a question? Ok, how was the hotel? You know, the Le Meridian Eko? Was it as nice as it looked on the internet? How much time did you waste going there? God, you are fucking idiotic.
Last night I was awake, recalling our association and wishing you would reply. So, (and I must admit inspired by the Monkey to do so) I wrote you a song. Here goes:

Sule Is A Bitch

Wellllll...
Sule is a bitch
He's a big fat bitch
He's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world
He's a stupid bitch if there ever was a bitch
He's a bitch to all the boys and girls

On Monday he's a bitch
On Tuesday he's a bitch
On Wednsday through Saturday he's a bitch
Then on Sunday, just to be different, he's a superkinkamayamayabeeatch

Talk to all the mugu scammers in Lagos it might go a little something like this:

Oooooonga mooonga ooooonga mooonga
Oooooonga mooonga ooooonga mooonga
Oooooonga mooonga ooooonga mooonga
Oooooonga mooonga ooooonga mooonga

Have you ever met my friend Sule Lamido?
He's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world
He's a mean 'ol bitch and he is bad at English
He's a big big big big big big bitch
Big big big big big big big bitch, he's a stupid bitch
Sule is a bitch and he's just a dirty bitch

I really mean it
Sule Lamido, he's a big fat fucking biiiiiiitch
Big old fucking bitch ass moron
Yeah
Chaaaa

Please write back and tell me if you liked my song, Goat-fucker. Waitaminuite!!!!!!!!!!!!! I just had a brainwave! Perhaps if I put this into prose you could understand, you will write back. Here goes:

GOAT-FUCHER
DUE TO SSENSATIVE NATUR OF TRANSACTION, HERWITH I DECIDE TO CONTACT YURE GOOD SELF IN HOPE THAT TH EMODALITIES OF ASS KICKING YU ARE GETT BE COMPLETED IN RECORD TIME.

YURE GOOD FREND

THE PROFANATOR

P.S. Are you dead yet? If not, fuck off and die by the hands of a headhunting tribe or something you cunt.

HEY EBOLA MONKEY: Can you imagine this bitch at the hotel? Funny as hell, huh. What was your favorite part of this? I think mine was when I sent the pic of Ron screwing that girl with a hedgehog and these pugnacious dolts wrote back.


FROM: THE EBOLA MONKEY MAN  TO: MARYAM AND SULE


Dear Profanator,

I was up all night thinking about the positives. I'm still awake and thinking. Hold on, let think some more.

OK, thought about it. No. There were no positives.

Wait a second, there is one. Your "Sule is a bitch" song is amazing. I guess that doesn't really count because Sule didn't write it.

So there were no positives. I'm still really angry that I wasted my time on these scammers. I'm going to church today to pray for their horrible deaths. Am I being too mean if I ask God to have Sule's balls get ripped off by a Zulu warrior and fed to a crocodile?

Feel free to chime in here Shakka Stupid.

Ebola Monkey Man


FROM: THE PROFANATOR TO: MARYAM AND SULE

Dear Ebola Monkey Man:

As my personal friend, I feel it prudent to offer you a moment of pause, or a caution if you will.

Maryam and Sule (Goat-fucker) are probably dancing around a campfire with war paint and titties-a- flappin' as we speak. I would be very wary of the voodoo that they do so well!

C'mon, I am sure you can find one nice thing to say about our friends/friend? Here, I will start. Goat-fucker, you are a pussy, and pussies are nice!

Shakka Stupid is the perfect name for this bitch, by the way. And, before I forget, thank you for the compliment. I wanted to capture the emotional development we all experienced, with my song.

Goat-fucker/Sule/Maryam: you once asked if I knew of the caliber of person I was dealing with. Well I do. You are a very powerful person with great fake names and your ultra important hotmail address. If I were to apply my acumen to true caliber, in the form of hand gun measurement, you would be rubber bands.

It would make you feel much better to write back and defend yourself you Nigerian fuck-faced homo.

In Love and Light,

The Profanator


FROM: THE EBOLA MONKEY MAN TO: MARYAM AND SULE


Dear Profanator,

You are probably right. I picture them dancing around with a Ron Jeremy look-a-like doll while poking it with a spear. Maybe I should lighten up. It was so bad that it is hard not to vocalize it. My mother always toldme that if I have "nothing nice to say then I shouldn't say anything at all"
..........................................................................
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OK,

fuck that, I can't help it. They are so bad it fucking pathetic. Shakka Stupid and his crippled bitch side kick Maryam are the worst. They stink so bad at scamming I can actually smell them through the computer. I am
really not surprised though, Africans usually suck at everything they do.  You remember the "Battle of Rorkes Drift?" 3,000 Zulu's versus 150 British soldiers and they still couldn't win. Fucking stupid. They screw
up everything.

I'm off to church to pray for the demise of those two idiots. I'll write you later.

Hey Shakka Stupid and Maryam. This is your last chance to save me the walk to the church. If you email me back within the next five minutes confirming and honoring my request of your death, I can stay home and watch day time TV.

Let me know.


FROM: THE PROFANATOR TO: MARYAM AND SULE


Subject: MARYAM AND SULE EAT HIPPO SHIT! 

It is true!

SHIT EATING ZEBRA FUCKERS!!!!!!!!!!


FROM: THE EBOLA MONKEY MAN TO: MARYAM AND SULE

Dear Profanator,

You won't believe this. I was going through a National Geographic magazine that was dedicated to African people. Most of the pictures were of those bitches with the saggy titties and those dudes that look like Starvin
Marvin, smiling and shit. I came across this one photo and was like "No, it can't be." I looked a little closer and thought "Oh my God, that's Sule and Maryam." Then I thought to myself "Wow, that's actually a good photo of
them."

I have included it as an attachment.

Let me know what you think.

Sule: When did you guys take this picture? I only ask that because you look younger.

Ebola Monkey Man















FROM: THE PROFANATOR TO: MARYAM AND SULE


Ebola Monkey Man:

Indeed! I think that must have been a while ago. You know what though? I think Sule fucked up. He accidentally forwarded this picture to me. The subject line said: MORE PORN FOR THOSE LONELY NIGHTS. I AM SO HOT!

I bet this one drives him wild!

Best,

The Profanator












FROM: THE EBOLA MONKEY MAN TO: MARYAM AND SULE

Sule,

Would it be cool if The Profanator and I came over to Nigeria and bitch slapped you around for a couple hours? I promise we won't hurt you to bad.  Just smack you around a bit.

Let me know because I need a 7 day advance notice to buy the plane tickets.  We basically would fly over there, slap your bitch ass around, fuck your mom in the ass, let the air out of your bike's tires (God knows that's all you can afford because you are so bad at scamming), and leave. How about it?

Ebola Monkey Man

Shithead, if you would answer us, we would stop emailing. Stay silent and it will only get worse. OOOOGGGA BOOOOGA BOOOOGA! You are so fucking lame.


FROM: THE PROFANATOR TO: MARYAM AND SULE


EB Man:

I miss that shit head sule and that cunt Maryam. Strange as it seems, I wonder what kind of people they actually are. I mean, they must be poor (hence the scamming) and they are not too bright. Do you think they went to school or anything like that?

Poor sad little people: I miss the the seriousness of the transaction to Sule and the desperation of Maryam. Do you have anything to add?

Profanator


FROM: THE EBOLA MONKEY MAN  TO: MARYAM AND SULE

Dear Profanator,

I miss them too. You have to understand that they are scared and stupid.  That's a bad combination. There are no real schools in Africa, not like in the normal parts of the world. Nobody really takes Africa seriously. I mean, even the French laugh at Africa. Lets think of all the great things that have come from Africa.
............................................................................
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.............................................still thinking
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No, there's nothing. Oh well, I tried. Maybe, if we wish long enough, Shakka Stupid will at least have the common courtesy to respond.

Ebola Monkey Man


FROM: THE PROFANATOR TO: MARYAM AND SULE

Dear Ebola Monkey Man:

These scared, pussy, zebra-raping, dickheads probably thought we had stopped and given up.

No Fucking way will I ever leave them with a clean inbox. I will e-mail every day for the rest of my life until these fuckin' pieces of shit reply.

Sincerly,

The Profanator

FROM: MARYAM/SULE/GOAT FUCKER TO: THE PROFANATOR

I believe now you are really into drugs go cure yourself of the addiction if you need more stuff, I canm help you get it here. Greatest scammers in the world over are the americans so stop ranting about.

FROM: THE EBOLA MONKEY MAN TO: MARYAM AND SULE


Hey,

I just heard you two fucking idiots finally responded. Right on.

What's this about being on drugs?

What's worse, someone who takes drugs or someone who scams people out of money? I should say tries to scam people out of money because you are not very good at it.

We are still laughing at you.

Ebola Monkey Man


FROM: THE PROFANATOR TO: MARYAM AND SULE

Goat-Fucker!

I am so pleased you replied! I was beginning to worry about you! Are you well? I nearly had no sleep because I was worrying about your molestation.

How is the scamming going, Goat-fucker? Have you made any money? God, we have lost time... I am all weepy.

You are still stupid, I see. You are infering that my partner and I are the scammers and you are a decent, law-abiding person. YOU ARE A FRAUD SCAMMER YOU DIRTY CUNT, AND SATAN HAS RESERVED A SPACE IN HELL FOR YOUR DISHONEST, MUGU ASS!

So, did your tribe kick you out when they found out how badly you scam? The other day--while I was at my honest, hardworking job, of course--I was thinking how nice it must be to scam people for a living. Then I thought about how stupid and fucking clownish you and Sule are. Everyone we have shown your mail to has laughed at how stupid you are. Fuck faced, donkey raping, butt fucker.

So, you deal in drugs too? I would think nothing less from your evil, poor-assed self.

Fuck off and die, unless you think you can say something which actually offends me, mugu...

In Love and Light,

The Profanator

P.S. In the English language, we have very specific rules in regards to grammar and capitalization. I retyped your e-mail and edited it for grammar and spelling, etc. I am trying to help you be a better scammer. (You will find it following)

P.P.S. Can you call your ugly fuckin' mother and get her the hell out of my house? I donkey punched her yesterday and the bitch is still passed out on my floor.

Amended e-mail from Goat-fucker:

Dear Profanator and Ebola Monkey Man:

I believe you chaps are on drugs. I think you should go and cure yourself of the addiction, but if you need more stuff, I can help you get it here, in Lagos. The greatest scammers the world over are the Americans, so stop ranting about it.

Sincerely,

Haija Maryam Abacha
(Goat-fucker)

EBOLA MONKEY NOTE:  Well, we got what we wanted (A FUCKING RESPONSE).  We kept our word and left them alone.  I miss fucking with Sule.

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EBOLA MONKEY NOTE:  Me and Peter, out on the town.