BACK TO HOMEPAGE

Against my better judgment, I've decided to open up my personal diary. This is for the true Ebola Monkey Man fan that wants to know a little bit more about my goofy ass. I've kept a private online diary for about a year. It's more like a free write kind of thing. This will give you a better look at my stance on a lot of things such as beliefs, pop culture, and current events. Hopefully you will enjoy it. If you want to read it in the order it was written, you have to start from the bottom of the page and work up. Before you start reading, check this out:

Some Things about me:

-Went to Arizona State University.
- Just trying to get by.
- I think I listen more than waiting to talk but I'm not sure anymore.
- Love Music, Movies, & Pop Culture.
- Elvis guy (no Beatles).
- I have dogs and I'm starting to think they are the only ones who have figured life out.
- Pro Choice
- T-shirt and jeans.
- Favorite cities: NYC, Paris, SF, LA, & LV.
- Love: Chevelle, Transplants, 2nd II None, Bubba Sparxx, Richard Cheese, G. Love and Special Sauce & Sublime.
- Jack Daniels
- I think Roger Moore was the best James Bond. Roger and I are probably the only ones who think that. Oh well.
- My sense of humor is a little different
- Good with secrets and like those who are too.
- Easy like sunday morning.
- I don't take myself serious.
- I swear a lot.
- Be nice, until the time comes not to be nice. Patrick Swayze said that but I live by it.
- In my world, porn stars should win oscars and strippers make the world go round.
- I dig dames with tattoos.
- I put my head down when I hear about humans dying but I cry when I hear about a dog dying.
- If I like you and I have a $1, you have $.50
- Simpsons over South Park
- If I had to be stranded on an island with one cd, it would be Van Morrison's "Moondance."
- I read Victoria Secret catalogs for the articles.
- Ain't never had a friend like me.

DIARY OF A MONKEY MAN (latest entry will be at the top)

5/12/08

Anyone trying to diet? I want to share something with you. This is how I stay thin. Not only do I lose weight from throwing up after I watch this, I'm physically unable to eat for hours because of the continuous laughing. I shit you not, you will lose a quick 20 IBS. If you fight in the UFC and need to cut weight, you're going to want to keep this link handy. Enjoy.....

TYPICAL DOUCHEBAGS

Being from New Jersey (Jersey Shore to be exact) and living in NYC, I got my fill of these fucking guys. Somebody needs to make a WHACK-A-GUIDO errrr MOLE game with these guys. I'd play it all day. People who give themselves names are gay (twiddling fingers not making eye contact).

I'm off to the NRA show people and promise to start writing on a regular basis.

Love,

Richie Bottles and Ebola Monkey Man

5/2//08

Grappling with the idea of writing again. Anyway, living in Vegas, May is one of my favorite months of the year. Tomorrow, the Derby goes off. I have decided to give away my picks in no particular order:

#6 - Pyro
#8 - Visionaire
#22 - Sarah Jessica Parker
#15 - Adriano
#23 - Reese Witherspoon

Good luck to all fellow bettors.

8/15//07

I want to thank Tim Prince for the support of the website. Check out Tim's CD at http://cdbaby.com/cd/timprince. It's hysterical. Driving telemarketers crazy is always fun.

Join me in the GAYTRIX for a second people....I was watching MISSION MAN BAND the other day and I had a two questions? When is Brian Abrahms due and/or when will he eat his new band memebers like he did with Color Me Badd? I always wondered what happened to those guys. God damn man, you were the lead singer of Color Me Badd. You sang "I wanna sex u up," one of my guilty pleasure songs. You know its bad when you see a guy and think, "oh shit, he's a walking Saturday Night Live" skit.

I have to leave now, I'm off to lunch with Another Bad Creation and New Edition. Hardy har har har....


 

8/5//07

"Listen here you banana enema shit throwing monkey! Its time for some updates don't ya think?" - Maxstrl

Holly shit, has it been this long? I haven't been paying attention. Damn does time fly. Leave it up to Masxtrl for a good kick in the ass. I appreciate all the emails and I plan on doing some more writing this year.

Wired Magazine (August issue) - I want to thank Brendan I. Koerner for the mention in the Mr. Know-It-All section. I always enjoy reading about the site in print.

MICHAEL VICK - Ron Mexico, you are going down bitch. Michael Vick is the living example of Dave Chappelle's "When Keeping It Real Goes Wrong." I know its a big deal in black culture to have angry pitbulls but come on. I would have loved to have been there when his friends asked him to finance this endeavor. "Hey homie, I gots a plan to make some money fighting dogs. You know how much money we can make in dog fighting....mutha fuckas can make $1500 a fight." WHAT THE FUCK.

THE COREYS A&E reality show - REALLY????? I would love to pitch them on my version. "OK guys, we are going to lock you in a house with a shit load of yayo, smack, X. You guys just consume, and talk about what you are planning for your comeback." Now that's comedy gold.

EBOLA'S ANGELS (Lohan, Spears, Hilton) - Looks like these girls have been reading my diary. For those of you that know me, I love it when chicks lose their shit and go become a mess. For example, Mariah Carey on TRL a few years ago. Nothing better than seeing a chick with money become a giant mess. Anyway, the race is coming down to the wire and heres my take:

LOHAN - The clear front runner here. Lindsey seems very focused on throwing her acting career away and auditioning for Disneyland park rides. LINDSEY LOHANS WILD RIDE would be a great concept. Drugs, hostages, high speed chases and threats. I would ride with her all day. I'd be the Goose to her Maverick.

SPEARS - During a photo shoot with OK! magazine, she cleaned her dogs shit up with a $6,700 Zac Posen gown, wiped her greasy hands on a pink silk Alisha Levine dress, dumped out without closing the door and fled after four test shots still wearing more than $14,000 of OK!'s borrowed clothing. Come on Britney, you are better than that. Why not do a line of meth in the shape of your home state of Louisiana, kick the photographer in the balls, rub you snizz on the legs of anyone who comes near you while saying "hope you like the smell of BV, and finish by throwing up a bucket of KFC and rub it in your hair. Then take off with the clothes. Hopefully she will take my advice for the next shoot and get her edge back.

HILTON - "Hello, is there anybody out there?" She obviously has been grounded by her publicist. Although I did almost spit my water out when Larry King asked her what her favorite bible passage was and she goes "I don't have a favorite, but..." But what? But "I'll blow you Larry when we go to commercial"... Wouldn't it be refreshing if she would have looked at him, smiled, and said "come on dude, you ain't buying this shit are you?" Or if she would have said she didn't actually read it, just cut the center of it out so she could hide her Valtrex and coke.

DATELINE (TO CATCH A PREDATOR) - The family of one of those sick fucks is suing because the child molester killed himself when he saw the cameras and cops coming to get them. Of course, somebody files a lawsuit after the perfect ending to one of those segments. I wish all of Chris Hansens meetings with these sick mother fuckers with death. They should dress Chris up like the Grim Reaper. Could you imagine? "Why don't you have a seat over there while we release Michael Vick's killer dogs on you and tape it!"

Alright people. Keep in touch.


12/19/06

HO, HO, HO I fucking hate the holidays. This can't be over fast enough. Hope you are enjoying it though. Sorry I've been gone for so long. Apparetnly I've been killing gorillas in the Congo.

Anyway, I've gotten a lot of emails about what I thought about the 20/20 special on the Nigerian 419 scam. Although I was happy to see the scam get national media attention on a major show, I was a little disappointed that they were acting as if they are the first to uncover it. How about a little love for the Ebola Monkey Man??? I know I always sound bitter and angry when imitators or news outlets do not give credit where credit is do but I'm bitter and angry. They were like "we are the first to take you inside a scammers internet cafe." WRONG. I did that through the eyes of Mohamed, an actual scammer. Forget the fact that they could have done an entire show on just www.ebolamonkeyman.com, but how about mentioning some of the people that have been doing their best to get the word out about this scam. The people that brought you the Mr. Bukakkes, the Father Tuchmes, and the It's Raining Men. To ignore a classic like Foe-On Nine All Up In Mothafucka is a damn shame. Don't take my word for it, ask Prince Soki ("You and B Smooth must be very fast thinkers all the way, I love the impression you have made on album, it is a good art work."). 20/20, you owe me my segment!

For those of you that saw that stupid music video they played about how funny it is to scam people, check out my dialog with the Profiler below. Back in October, the Profiler sent me a link to the video. Apparently the Profiler thinks I have a really bad sense of humor because he/she thought I would find a song about robbing innocent people of their money funny. Here's our email exchange starting with the Profilers:

From the Profiler Date: Tue, 17 Oct 2006 02:23:52 -0700 (PDT)

Hello ,

I can see that you site lack new material so i though you would like to see this

http://youtube.com/watch?v=D_YjvC4ndzM&mode=related&search=

It is a funny song made in Nigeria making fun of all the greedy victims of 419

Enjoy it
The Profiler.

Ebola Monkey Man's Response (as the Profiler was trying to get under my skin, I returned the favor by pretending not to get it)

I don't get it. That's the worst video ever made. It's just a bunch of fat ugly chicks dancing around a guy in a ass clown outfit. What's so funny about that? If you guys in Africa think that's funny, you must think I'm a comedy GOD.

Have you ever seen the video for Under the Sea by Sebastian the Crab? Now that's good.

Ebola Monkey Man

From the Profiler Date: Thu, 19 Oct 2006 00:22:53 -0700 (PDT)

its not the video thats funny , its what he is saying,Its in "pidgeon english" a curruption of normal english so it may be hard for you to understand but try and listen carefully, by the way who told you i am a "guy in Africa" stop assuming stuff and ask questions if you need clarification.

The Profiler.


Ebola Monkey Man's Response (worked like charm)

Are you not African? I'm sorry I assumed that.

I listened to the video/song again. It's not funny. It's horrible. It's actually funnier to laugh at the video than to laugh with it. It's really bad. I could make a better video with a camcorder.

Besides, if it's supposed to be funny because they steal from people, then thats silly. You don't see Americans producing songs like "La La La, look how the Africans kill themselves with Genocide" or "Aids, Aids, Aids in the jungles." I guess that's why Africa will always be third world. They make fun of the people they rob. Most Americans that make songs about Africa do it to help the country. Remember "We Are The World?" Now that was funny. A bunch of Americans trying to help people that don't give a shit.

Oh well.

Ebola Monkey Man

I didn't get a response after that. Oh well.

TRUMP TO MISS USA: YOU'RE NOT FIRED - You are god damn right she shouldn't be fired. Any chick that is that hot, that into drugs and alcohol, that into sex, and that into partying should win GREATEST FUCKING WOMAN IN THE WORLD. I don't know what it is about chicks like that, but I love them. I guess it's when I see a hot chick that likes all the things I love, it just turns me on. Hopefully she'll come out and admit to a gambling problem. You know what, that's not right. That's the internet talking people. I apologize. I hope she doesn't have a gambling problem so she has more money for drugs and alcohol. Lets keep the party going all the way to front steps of rehab.

TACO BELL IS SAFE - I love that commercial with CEO pleased to announce that eating Taco Bell is safe. E-Coli or not, Taco Bell is not safe to eat. I have friends that have destroyed bathrooms after some late night Taco Bell stops. Anyway, something about a guy with an English accent reassuring us that Taco Bell is safe. At least put him in the Speedy Gonzalez hat with Tequila belts around his chest. Could you imagine that? "Hey ese, who you tryin to get crazy with? don't you know i'm loco!!! Taco Bell is safe holmes! VIVA LA CHALUPA!" Then he shoots his revolvers in the air while taking a drink from the bottle of Tequila as patrons go running off in the background. Now that's a great Taco Bell commercial. They can have that one, free of charge.

CHUCK LIDDELL VS. TITO ORTIZ -
Those that know me personally know that I'm a huge MMA fan (borderline creep, like I'm waiting for the UFC to call to hire me as an anouncer....see what I mean). I want to get this prediction out of the way so people can make some MMA money. Like I told the world, well everyone in my world that would listen, that GSP would crush Matt Hughes, the Iceman will beat Tito. For those of you that want my other picks for the card, email me. Rule of thumb: When I give you a football pick, bet the opposite. When I give you an MMA pick, count your cash.

DICK IN A BOX - After watching this, I'm re-thinking my X-Mas gifts to women. Every woman should get a dick in a box this holiday season. I realize that what makes it funny for me, is that fact that I use to dress and listen to that music in the early 90's. Ewww.

Merry X-Mas Mutha Fuckas from the Monkey (yes, that's me on the left with body paint circa 2001. After that shoot, Boy George called me a fag and comitted his first hate crime!)



11/23/06

Happy thanksgiving people! Things to be thankful for:

1. You managed to avoid a DUI a la Mel Gibson style.

2. You are not Britney Spears! Tough year for that chick.

3. You successfully barback jones'd it more than 5 times this year and didn't catch the clap. You lucky bastard! Eat good people.

Ebola


11/6/06

Alright, I'm back. I've been super busy and my site has kind of taken a back seat to all the shit going on in my life. I always think about updating but I never get around to it. Oh well. The good news is that I'm actually in the middle of a scambait right now. Yes, it's been years, but I just wanted to see if I can pull it off. Stay tuned, it's going to be good. If it isn't, I will post it in the diary section. If it hits, homepage material. Speaking of homepage material, I'd like to thank Lisa Sparxxx (www.lisasparxxx.com) for the picture on the fanpage. Fun bags, EbolaMonkeyMan sign = PRICELESS!

I see the religious right has something to be proud of: Rev. Ted Haggard! That's the best. He apologized for liking cock and meth, two of the things he spoke out against. I love the guys like Haggard are sorry for the shady shit instead of apologizing for their sheep for taking their money and basically telling them "I think you are all so fucking stupid." He deserves a public ass fucking but the problem is that he'd like it. So what do you do? Now his accuser says he never meant to "destroy his life." Fuck him, he's the worst type of human being. Hopefully George Michael and Boy George are planning a hate crime against the good Rev.

Ryan Phillippe and Mr. Ed are getting a divorce. CHA CHING. Hopefully he will take her half, or more. Nothing better than when the roles are reversed. Get up in front of the judge and tell him "I supported her career, she forced me to make shitty movies, I loved her, I fed her carrots, I changed her horseshoes" and all the other bullshit that women spin when they are going after the almighty dollar.

Does anyone else hope that Kanye West's next video is an actual snuff film starring himself?

I saw a great movie the other day called "Hard Candy." I hope the producers of the Dateline Predator show are taking notes because this should be the blue print for what should be done to those pedophile fucks. Very rarely do I tell people to go out and get a movie, but this one is great.

I'm off to Dallas. Oh, thanks to the SmartAsses.org people for the award. Apparently someone recommended me and they think I'm worthy of being a smartass. Here's my acceptance speech:

"I'd like to thank smartasses.org for recognizing me as a smart ass. This award means so much. It will go up on my wall, right next to my gold star which I won in a 3rd grade spelling bee and my 2002 Nick Lachey poster which I won at the Barstow County fair by throwing the ping pong ball into the fish bowl."

I wonder why they would think I'm a smartass?

Elections are tomorrow. I urge everyone to not waste their time voting, and go see the Borat movie, spit on Rev. Ted Haggard or hang out at a stripclub.


7/3/06

The monkey would like to wish you all a happy 4th of July. Fireworks, a day off, and whatever it is that we do. Blow shit up with M80's and what not.

Check out this picture (below) of Kate Moss and Kelly Osbourne. This just screams "WE ARE LOOKING FOR TROUBLE" I can't think of a worse combo. As some one who knows a thing about partying, this friendship can't be good for their health. On that note, "DAMN I WOULDN"T MIND PARTYING WITH THEM.

Beanie (the ass-clown) Sigel Calls Gun Violence 'Epidemic' — But It's Not Just A Rap Problem - This is coming from a guy who once shot someone. The 'Epidemic' is the stupid fucking people who hold the gun. Take some responsibility. If you fire a gun, it's not the gun's fault. If you make yourself fat by eating way too much, it's not the forks fault. I'm begriming to think that whining rappers are starting to become an 'Epidemic.' If you want trouble, you will find it. That's how life works.

McPhee: "Idol" Saved My Life - Apparently she credits American Idol with saving her from Bulimia. I'm confused. She goes on a popularity contest that millions of people are watching and it makes her want to eat? Shouldn't it be the other way around?

The Village People's original cop wants to get himself clean - Victor Willis, a founding member of the '70s disco band, released a statement Monday, from jail, saying that he is doing his best to get his life back on track. Then he beat himself to a bloody pulp with his night stick. Ok, that was a bad joke. Anyway. I'm actually impressed that the guy can say anything that would get picked up by a news outlet. Maybe if he was the indian guy or something. I could see him going "I'm trying to get my life back on track" and me going "dude, do the YMCA dance."

So, on a personal level. I thought I had ball cancer the other day. I found what I thought was lump on my left testicle. Nothing worse than that for a guy, let me tell you. The day I found it, I immediately got nauseous and almost passed out. Take all that shit in your head that makes you think you are tough and throw it out the window when you think you may have ball cancer, trust me. Anyway, I spend a week, before I can get to the doctor, thinking about this shit. Let me tell you something, between having time, and the internet, it's just enough to make you dangerous. I learned about parts of my balls that I didn't even know existed. So I go to this doctors office and the nurse says "we need a urine sample. Go into the bathroom, piss in the cup, and put it on the desk when you are done." Easy enough, right? I piss in the cup, walk out of the bathroom holding the warm urine in the autographed plastic receptacle, and there is six members of the female kind yapping around the table I'm supposed to place the piss on. Not even James Bond could have looked cool (ladies, cancer, BALL cancer). She could have been like "leave it on the bathroom counter and I will go in there and get it when you leave the room. NOT THIS NURSE. I felt like I left the room behind a giant elephant, a guy on stilts, 10 clowns shooting fireworks, and some very loud circus music. EVERYBODY STOP WHAT YOU ARE DOING AND LOOK AT ME! Anyways, I see the urologist and it turns out to be nothing. To be on the safe side, he recommends that I go get a scrotum ultrasound. He totally sells me on it to by saying "it doesn't take long at all and usually, it's a pretty little blond girl that gives it to you." So I walk out of there with an appointment on Monday to go have my nuts lubed up with gel and scanned. Peace of mind in hand? Hell no! I started thinking about the actual appointment and how much I don't want it to be a "cute little blonde girl" to be giving it to me. I swear to God (something I don't believe in), if I walk in there and the lead singer of the Pussy Cat Dolls is administering this ball scan, I'm going to run like Forrest Gump. The chick that gives me this thing better look like Free Willy, because this is about the most embarrassing thing on the planet. All kinds of shit is running through my mind. Should I chub up before? How do I not laugh? What if it's really cold in there? FUCK! Not cool. I guess I should just be happy I don't have cancer.

UPDATE - The ball ultra sound couldn't have been more embarrassing! I will update soon. Cool - I just left you with a ball hanger.



5/25/06

"Hey Slak Ass!! Its me John. Do you realize its May 18? Time for more comments dontcha think? Stop smoking crack and write something! Just kidding but it is time!"

John

I got this email the other day and spit my water out. OK...OK...I've been busy. This one's going to be quick but I'll be back to a routine in the short future.

ALLIGATORS GONE WILD! - What's up with all these alligators eating these hot chicks. Damn I want to party with those guys. Talk about "You Had a Bad Day." I think that's how that song goes anyway.

"Cause you had a bad day
Alligator taking you down
You sing a sad song as he flips you around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work at a smile as he eats you alive
You had a bad day
Fucking alligator's cramping your style
Went for a jog and you got ate by a reptile
You had a bad day"

I think it goes something like that.

NICK LACHEY IS THE BIGGEST PUSSY ON THE PLANET! This mother fucker can't stop bitching about Jessica Simpson. Waaaa, I would still marry her, waaaa my feelings are hurt, waaaaa she cheated on me. ACT LIKE A MAN. Check out the songs on his album:

1. What's Left Of Me
2. I Can't Hate You Anymore
3. On Your Own
4. Outside Looking In
5. Shades Of Blue
6. Beautiful
7. Everywhere But Here
8. I Do It For You
9. Run To Me
10. Ghosts
11. You're Not Alone
12. Resolution

He needs to fire his manager. Any real friend would get him some ACT RIGHT. If I were Nick, I would name my album "I Hope You Die From Catching Syphilis" and the tracks would go as followed:

1. Fuck You and the Lump in Your Nose
2. I Was Only with you for the Money (The Career Move Song)
3. Cheat on me bitch, I'm no better, I just didn't get caught
4. I Use To Kick Daisey When You Weren't Looking (The Peta Song)
5. I Hate Your Dad, He's Just Plain Creepy
6. I Put Ashley In The Hucklebuck
7. Doing Lines off Strippers Asses To Take My Mind Off You (Featuring 98 Degrees)
8. I Only Slept With Your Publicist/Friend To Hurt You
9. Lets Release Our Homemade Porno Movie (Featuring The Game) *This would give Nick some street cred.
10. You're Not Even That Hot, I See Hotter Chicks at Tao, Pure, and Rum Jungle (The Attitude Song)

Now tell me what sounds like a better album? Be honest? My concept album or his pussy whipped bitch album? If anyone knows Nick, please get this over to him.

CHRIS DAUGHTRY, AMERICAN IDOL SHOCKER - I don't have a problem with these rock guys going on American Idol. I have a problem with the way they lose. I feel like if you are truly ROCK AND ROLL, the minute you get voted off, you should blow a gasket. That would entail kicking Ryan Seacrest in the balls and beating him with the microphone, grabbing Paula's pills in her pocket and ramming them down your throat, decapitating Simon with a guitar while pissing on Randy.

BRITNEY SPEARS SON, AT 20, WHEN HE READS ALL THE ARTICLES ABOUT HER TRYING TO KILL HIM IN CAR SEATS - "Mom, what the fuck?" The picture below should be her new album cover.

MADONNA STARTS OFF TOUR BY CRUCIFYING HERSELF ON A GIANT MIRRORED CROSS - Feel it slipping away girlfriend? Fucking around with crosses was shocking the first time you did. The only way I will give her credit is if poured gasoline, lit a match, and set herself on fire. That would be a hell of a show. No, that's wrong of me to think like that. That's the internet talking. I shouldn't want her to kill herself. How about if Madonna just sang her songs acoustic while blowing coke off of strippers asses? Now that's a show.

I'm off people. I got to go check the mail to see if my new Nick Lachey CD is here.


3/17/06

OK, so I've been gone for awhile. For you mutha's that keep bugging me about updating, SORRY, I have jobs. That's right you ungrateful bastards, jobs. I hope everyone had a good Easter. I spent mine at the sports book at the JW. ROCK BOTTOM BABY!

HERE'S SOMETHING TO THINK ABOUT - Why is every stripper studying to be a nurse????????????????

THAT'S WHY I SAY HEY MAN NICE SHOT, WHAT A GOOD SHOT MAN! - Well, we lost another rapper last week. Poof, errrr, I mean Proof, got shot in the head. What's wrong with these rappers? Use your fucking heads. Stop going to hip hop clubs in shitty hoods. Stick to upscale clubs in LA, New York, Vegas, and South Beach. Nice clubs don't have shoot-outs. Your street rep is not as important as your income and family. Plus, you had like five kids, you shouldn't have any time to go to clubs. I'm sitting there watching MTV and the news guy comes on and says "Hip Hop has lost another soldier." There's the fucking problem, these guys are convinced that they are soldiers. Unless you just got back from Iraq or Afghanistan, don't refer to yourself as a soldier. Refer to yourself as a guy who talks in rhymes, like Wordsworth (the white cat with roller skates) from Heathcliff. I loved that guy.

FEDERLINE DIS SONG RECORDED BY ANGRY INVESTMENT BANKERS - Would you guys leave him alone? If you keep making fun of him, he'll go away and I'll have nobody to amuse me. He's like the retarded kid with the Walk-Man with no batteries that use to dance around my school. Harmless and funny!

ANGELINA JOLIE AND BRAD JOLIE errr PITT WILL HAVE THEIR BABY IN NAMIBIA - That's a great idea!

Major infectious diseases:
degree of risk: high
food or waterborne diseases: bacterial diarrhea, hepatitis A, and typhoid fever
vectorborne disease: malaria
water contact disease: schistosomiasis (2005)
HIV/AIDS - adult prevalence rate: 21.3% (2003 est.)
HIV/AIDS - people living with HIV/AIDS: 210,000 (2001 est.)

Listen you fucking attention whore, we know you want to be African but come on. If you want to risk your life by thinking they love you, go ahead. Involve your unborn child, shame on you. What's going on with Mrs. Jolie, Brad? Where's his common sense. I saw a picture of him sporting a Mohawk like her little adopted kid. Do you want her to love you that bad? It's a BAD FUCKING HAIRCUT. Don't you get it, when that kid grows up, he's going to slap her around for making him sport that style.

LINDSEY AND JESSICA "FIGHT" - Hey Lindsey, don't challenge her to a fight, just hit her with your car. She'll never see it coming and it will get the job done.

HOLLOWAY SUSPECT, VAN DER SLOOT NOT ACQUAINTANCES - Aruba arrested a 19-year-old guy named Geoffrey van Cromvoirt in the Natalie Holloway case. This is becoming a joke. Who's the police chief over there, Officer Barbrady from South Park? "We need to arrest anyone with the name Van, in their....um....name. We are in the middle of a giant BUTT FUCK-A-THON!"

Alright people, I'm off to New Jersey for a week. Back to the old stomping ground, GUIDO GUIDO GUIDO, THROWUP THROWUP THROWUP. Going back to the Jersey shore is like jamming a pencil through your eye while listening to Paris Hilton sing Happy Birthday.


3/1/06

DHANI JONES WAS ARRESTED FOR DANCING!

Philadelphia Eagle's linebacker Dhani Jones was charged with the misdemeanor of failure to obey a lawful command after he allegedly refused to stop dancing last week outside a South Beach club early Sunday. That's the best. I didn't know dancing was illegal in South Beach. Apparently, someone has seen the first half of FOOTLOOSE one too many times and confused South Beach with Elmore City, OK. If I was Dhani and they said stop dancing, I would hit them with a "Jump back!" Then as they approached, I'd ask them one thing. You know what that is? I'd say to them "What did David do? David danced before the Lord with all his might...leaping and dancing before the Lord. Leaping and dancing. Ecclesiastes assures us...that there is a time for every purpose under heaven. A time to laugh...and a time to weep. A time to mourn...and there is a time to dance. And there was a time for this law,but not anymore. See, this is our time to dance."

Then I'd pray, as they were pulling out their clubs, tasers, and cuffs, that they liked Footloose as much as I did.


JORAN VAN DER SNOT, SOUTH DAKOTA, KID ROCK SEX TAPE, KANYE, and MADONNA

JORAN "I killed a Natalie Halloway and fed her to the sharks" VAN DER SLOOT is back in the news. He decided to sit down with ABC News and spin more lies. I was watching CNN and that pig Nancy Grace and they were having a field day. I think she (Nancy Grace) means well but she's about as bright as my mouse pad. Joran was basically making Natalie out like she was a slut. So Nancy had Natalie's mom in the studio and she asked her if Natalie was like that. WHOOOOOOO THE FUCK CARES! I don't care if Natalie was down in Aruba recruiting guys for a gangbang, she didn't deserve to die. We are so uptight in this country about sex that the media can pretty much make a villain out of an innocent person because she might have been looking to have a good time that night. ONLY BAD PEOPLE GO ON SPRING BREAK TO HOOK-UP! Riiiiiiiight. Leave Natalie's mom alone about her daughter going off with this guy. Tons of girls every night go off with people they just met and for the most part, they make it home alright. Shit, some of the longest relationships I've been in started as one night stands. Focus on the fact: This fucker, and he's two friends that tried covering for him, have gotten away with murder. I've said it before and I'll say it again. Remove one of Van Der Sloot's testicles with a knife and I'm sure he'll tell the real story.

SOUTH DAKOTA HOUSE APPROVES ABORTION BAN BILL - I just want to apologize to my daughter now for bringing her into the world. If I were our president, I'd pull the troops out of Iraq and attack South Dakota immediately. It's sad that bills like that would even get approved these days. Shows that we are going backwards. Unless you are planing on taking care both physically and financially, you shouldn't be able to tell someone they can't get an abortion. I blame religion on this one. Religion reminds me of my friend Tony, who always drinks too much when we are out and ruins the whole night. Your beliefs should never get in the way of your common sense.

NEW ORLEANS - I see they are going to go forward with Mardi Gras. Who the fuck is paying for that? Aren't there still people living in hotels and make shift cardboard homes? Louisiana should change their state slogan to "Boy, we sure have our priorities fucked up." Hopefully they will have the common courtesy to step over, not on, all the homeless people in the way of their parade.

KID ROCK & THE DUDE FROM CREED - When are celebrities going to learn that if your sex gets put on tape, it's going to get out there. It's pretty much a given. You might as well get in on the action. Make a deal with the porn company that has the tape, negotiate your fee, slap the title on the box "White Trash, Used Up, and Nobody Cares," and sit back. That way the tape will go away when people realize celebrities fucking is about as interesting as two Rhinos on National Geographic.


Yesterday on the scrolling headlines on CNN, this flashed across the screen: RAY PARKER JR. releases first album of original work in over a decade. Wow, that's great. ??????? Good job Ghostbuster guy. What's more amazing is how he got CNN to run that at the bottom of the screen. Most have been a really slow day.

KANYE WEST - Check out this picture of Kanye below. Didn't he just make a song about chicks who are gold diggers? "SHE TAKES MY MONEY, I DRESS LIKE A HOMO." Sorry to all my gay readers but you have to admit, that outfit would even make Elton John yell fag while throwing a brick. There is no way that chick would be with him if he was a janitor, especially in that outfit. Look how high his pants are pulled up. There's no way he knows what he's doing. Obviously the same asshole that gives fashion advice to Andre 3000 has gotten a hold of Kanye.

Speaking of bad out fits, I guess MADONNA got rid of all the mirrors in her house. "Time goes by so slowly when you dress like an assclown." Grandma got into the costume trunk again.


2/23/06

Will update soon. Been a crazy month. I want to share something with you. Very rarely do I see something that makes me laugh so hard I cry. This made me fall out of my chair. Being a New Jersey native, I delt with a lot of these assholes:

DOUCHEBAGS

Enjoy people. I'll post soon.


1/20/06

MUFFIN TOPS, DVD'S, STEPHEN BALDWIN, PARIS, REESE "A HORSE IS A HORSE" WITHERSPOON.

I've got to catch a plane to Reno but I wanted to leave you with a little something. I'll be back soon. Anyway.....

Muffin Top - Recently, I went to the post office. It was really crowded so I took a number and sat down. The lady behind the counter called a number and this chick who weighed about 180 LBS. with a muffin top walks up. All of sudden, her cell phone goes off and her ring is that "don't cha wish your girlfriend was hot like me" song by the Pussy Cat Dolls. WTF! I almost choked on my gum. It was the funniest thing I've ever heard. It was so loud and she tried to turn it off but kept fumbling. It's bad enough if you are a hot chick and you have that song as your ringer. But to come in way over your fighting weight and have that blasting, you either are seriously delusional or you have the greatest sense of humor of all time.

DVD - Ferris Bueller's Day Off (Bueller...Bueller...Edition)- I loved this movie the first time I bought it. You know what pisses me off? When they release a DVD and then a year later, they release the same DVD on steroids with all kinds of features. Due to the fact that I'm a sucker, I always buy both versions. The funny thing is, I never watch either of the movies. Most of the time, they stay in the wrapper. Congress needs to pass a bill that states when a company decides to release a BALLS ON YOUR CHIN, FULL THROTTLE, UNCORKED, UNCENSORED, FROSTED & BUKAKKED version, you can exchange your regular one for it. The regular Ferris Bueller dvd that has just the movie. The sucker version.

Stephen Baldwin - What the fuck is wrong with you Honkey???????? This mother fucker has decided to crusade against a adult movie store. I guess Hollywood finally woke up and said "wait a second, this ass clown makes movies tank." Not much going on anymore Stephen? He said "I'm just doing what the Lord's telling me to do." The lord doesn't want you to do that, I talked to him between my meeting with the tooth fairy and my tennis session with big foot. All he wants is for you to stop making movies....like yesterday. If I owned that porn store, I'd make a deal with him. I'd draw up a contract that states "I will close this place down if you agree to never, ever, ever, ever make another movie, appear on any TV show, or stand in front of any camera. Plus you have to move to Maine and disappear." It would be worth it to me. I truly believe, in my heart of hearts, that his movies are more harmful than any porno. Why? Because they completely waste your time when you watch them. Life is short and you'll never get that time back when you watch a Stephen Baldwin movie. I've never watched a porno and thought I wasted my time.

Paris Hilton - Apparently she is saying some pretty funny shit at her deposition. SURPRISE! When questioned on the last name of a companion identified as Terry, who was with her on the night of the reported run-in with Graff, Hilton replied, "It is like a weird Greek name. Like Douglas." GOD DAMN I WANT TO FUCK HER. You stay the way you are baby. Keep taking drugs, making bad porno, and thinking out loud.

Reese Witherspoon - Apparently, Reese isn't aware of the situation in Iraq. She had the nerve to bitch about a dress she wore at the 2006 Golden Globes that was supposed to be one of a kind. Chanel desinged the dress three years ago, and it was worn by Kristen Dunst. OH MY GOD, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Seriously, I don't blame her. That wasn't the worst of it. Apparently another celebrity at the same award show was wearing that dress too. It was that lovable horse from that old TV show. HI LITTLE HORSEY! If I were here, I'd be like "Do you know who I am? How the fuck are you going to let a horse wear the same designer dress as me?"

It's getting lame in here, I'm out.


1/12/06

KAHR REP BUSTIN CAPS, HOMELESS UNDER ATTACK, BRAD PITT, NICK LACHEY, & MORE.

I was at a sporting good show all last week. Normally these shows are extremely boring. As I walked in, I noticed this sign. THINGS WERE LOOKING UP! I was working as a rep for a firearm company. So basically, I stand there and show guns to potential dealers. These guns are just samples and they don't have firing pins inside of them. Even if somebody loaded the thing, it wouldn't go off. Just about every company does this to their samples. Well, not this time. There is a gun manufacturer out of Korea named Kahr Arms. Somehow, someway, they had a loaded gun with a firing pin tethered to their booth. So we are all standing in our booths and a fucking gun shot goes off. The whole place goes completely silent and then about 15 seconds later, a lady starts screaming. The rep from Kahr shot this lady in the leg. It was a hollow point and went right through her leg. Everything turned out OK in the end but that was probably some of the scariest shit I've ever been around. Anyway, I was amazed at how tough that lady was. If that was me, I'd still be screaming in crying like a bitch. If you were there and heard the scream, you'd be like "Oh my God, a chick just got shot." Then when you would turn the corner and see me, you'd go "Oh, my bad, they shot the monkey man." How fun would it be to be that guy who shot her. From here on out, he'll always be looked at as the dude that capped the chick in the leg at the show. Kahr should changer there slogan to "Our guns work on the first pull, ask the bitch we shot in the leg!"

HOMELESS - What's with all these homeless people being beaten. As if life isn't bad enough, there are actually people out there that feel the need to kick the shit out of people down on their luck. If homeless people piss you off, ignore them. I'm calling on all Americans the kick the shit out of anyone who is caught beating a homeless person.

BRAD PITT - I just read that Jennifer Aniston wasn't "alerted" by Brad Pitt about Angelina's pregnancy. That's such a woman thing. Jennifer, Brad doesn't owe you an explanation. There seems to be this general thinking between women that the world begins and ends at your vagina. It doesn't. She should be happy that he got her pregnant. Chalk it up to the grass isn't greener on the other side, there's just more grass. If I were Jennifer, I'd be like "hah, he got that bitch pregnant...have fun." Getting a girl pregnant in the honeymoon stage (AKA - cum wherever I want stage) of the relationship is just plain retarded. US Weekly should have a great time documenting the many looks of sorrow as the pregnancy moves closer to delivery date. My guess is that by the time the third trimester hits, Angelina will have broken his balls so bad that he'll want to jump out a window. Hot chicks are great until they start leaning on you.

Eminem should release a song called "I've fucking lost my GOD DAMN MIND." He's decided it would be a good idea to remarry his ex-wife. Yeah, the wife he constantly bitches about in his songs. Someone needs to walk up to him and kick him in the balls. "Yeah dude, that hurt me more than it hurt you."

LACHEY - Speaking of ex-wives, I just thought of a great reality show for Nick Lachey. The whole premise is that he tries to bang everyone of Jessica's girlfriends. Tell me you wouldn't watch that. It could be called "LAAAAA CHEY'D." You've been Laaaa chey'd! It works.

FEDERLINE - How funny is it that Kevin Federline is actually going to go forward with his album?. Memo to Vanilla Ice - If you put out an album the day Federline's comes out, you won't finish last in sales. This thing is going to be so bad. You'd think Britney would be like "Look, I know a thing or two about shitty music. I got lucky. There is no way that lightning will strike twice for this family. You're better off just doing Karaoke if you want to rap."

Alright, like a retarded bird, like a broken down plane, the super monkey is off to Minnesota till Tuesday.



1/1/06

HAPPY NEW YEAR, ASU, HILTON, SIMPSON, COLIN & MULLET MATING, & MORE BULLSHIT!

Happy New Year ya bas-tads. It's been a great year and I only hope it gets better in 06'. Thank you for all the support, fan & hate mail, donations, and death threats from men, women, and children. Now, lets get to the firstentry of the new year.

I'd like to congratulate Arizona State University (my Alma-Mata) on their "NOBODY WAS WATCHING EXCEPT THE MONKEY, THE PLAYERS PARENTS, ASU & RUTGERS STUDENTS" bowl win. Being from New Jersey, it was a lot of fun watching ASU play Rutgers. The fact that ASU actually won was a real shocker. Very similar to the feeling of the real shocker.

For the 5th year in a row, I watched the new year come in on TV. The thought of being outside in the cold with all the crowds makes me want to throw up. The older I get, the more I can't stand mass amounts of people. So anyway, the Vegas strip coverage of New Years basically blows. It makes MTV's Times Square coverage watch able. Anyways, Paris Hilton was at some club down here and the news reporter asks her what her plans are for 2006. She says "well, my album is coming out." The reporter goes "that's great." She just hands him COMEDY GOLD and he just stands there. Amazing! Instead of saying something like "what's the title of the album, NOBODY CARES & NOBODY IS GOING TO BUY IT," he drops it like Monticore dropped Roy.

05' almost ended on a real high note. We almost got rid of Ashlee Simpson once an for all while she was performing in Japan. While singing, she went down faster than a Kamikaze pilot. Just kidding Ashlee, I don't want you dead. You're actually becoming one of my favorite live performers. You never know what this chick is going to do during a live show. Get busted
lip synching, dance like an ass clown, sing way off key, get booed, or just pass out.

Check out this picture of Kevin Federline. It's digitally enhanced to show what he would look like five years. Pretty crazy.

Colin Farrel is out of control. It's a game called "Gay Chicken" and you are supposed to ease into it, not go for the open mouth kiss on the first shot.

Since we are on the subject of gay, check out Ricky Martin engaging in some "speedo wearing kung-fu." Nothing like getting oiled up in your speedo, grabbing your guy friend and letting loose. This whole thing has "bad gay movie beach scene" written all over it. I truly believe that the guys from Queer Eye would be like "God Damn,that's too gay."

On a sad note, "Blue" from Old School died. "You're my boy Blue!"



12/8/05

BAD PUBLIC SPEAKERS, RENO 911 LITE, NICK & JESS, ANGELINA & BRAD and MORE MINDLESS BANTER!

ANN COULTER TO AUDIENCE: You're stupider than I am! - Conservative columnist Ann Coulter cut short a speech at the University of Connecticut amid boos and jeers, and decided to hold a question-and-answer session instead. "I love to engage in repartee with people who are stupider than I am," Coulter told the crowd of 2,600 Wednesday. Why does this chick keep pissing people off during public speaking engagements? If she would have said that to me, I would have hit her with a "well my dad can beat up your dad." Which probably would have lead to her stomping her feet and yelling "I know you are but what am I doo doo head." Nothing like flaming out and throwing a tantrum in front of some college students (basically children with freedom). Ann, you have to come stronger than that. If the college crowd is giving you shit, you need to command their respect. Do something like take out a can of gas and douse the front row while yelling "NOT ANOTHER FUCKING WORD! YOU'RE EITHER WITH ME OR AGAINST ME" Or maybe pick out the weakest dude in the front row, make your way over to him by doing the robot dance (this way he'll just stare at you won't expect what's next), and kick him in the balls. As he fall over, squat and piss on him while yelling "WHICH ONE OF YOU LITTLE PRICKS IS NEXT."

NAUGHTY VIDEO GETS SF COPS IN TROUBLE. Memo to the San Francisco Police Department - Reno 911 is fake. It's just a spoof played by actors.

NICK LACHEY AND JESSICA SIMPSON - Check out my favorite picture of Nick and Jessica below.

BRAD PITT AND ANGELINA JOLIE - I'm I the only person who thinks that their behavior is really fucking bizarre? She gets less sexier with everything she does and he just follows her around like a lost puppy. I appreciate that fact that she does a lot of good for less fortunate people in other countries but damn, does she need a camera man with her every minute. "Here's Angelina giving a cracker to a starving Cambodian kid that has never seen one of her shitty movies." Makes sense to me. How much do you want to bet that if a homeless American walked up to her she'd spit on him and kick him in the balls. "Get the fuck out of here you homeless piece a shit! You're American plus my photographer isn't here!"

WILL SMITH - Do you ever wish that Will Smith would do a movie like "Soul Plane" or "Leprechaun - Back 2 Tha Hood"? I wonder if he even could do a movie like that. Maybe when he was the Fresh Prince but definitely not now. That would be like Eminem trying to act like a white boy with blond hair and blue eyes.

TOOKIE WILLIAMS - If this guy actually escapes the "death penalty", they need to do away with the "death penalty" as a whole. He killed four people and started the Crips, which basically means he's someway responsible for thousands of deaths due to gang violence and drugs. I saw Snoop on TV talking about how great a guy he is. Isn't Snoop a Crip? WTF. That's the wrong guy to ask. That's like asking OJ if Robert Blake deserved the death penalty. I MISSED TO SMALL YELLOW SCHOOL BUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AND FINALLY PEOPLE - Don't fuck around on planes. It's not worth it. They are going to investigate these Air Marshals that shot this guy who lost his shit. There's not a doubt in my mind that is was justified. Leave the Marshals alone. If you get up and yell shit like "I have a bomb," you've basically signed your death warrant. On that same note, crazy people need to take their medication.


11/24/05

Happy Thanksgiving people from EbolaMonkeyMan.com

Because I'm a giver....here are 3 things, free of charge, to be thankful for:

3. Be thankful that you got through the year without catching an STD.

2. Be thankful you are not Nick Lachey. Losing a career and now your famous hot wife.....the only way it could get worse for him this year is if he loses a testical to a pitbull or something.

1. And the #1 reason to be thankful....you weren't born American Indian during the time Columbus discovered the land they were living on. Genocide - we gave it a holiday people.....HAPPY THANKSGIVING!


11/11/05

COPS, PIRATES, DRUNKEN MOOSE, CELLPHONES, GOT MILK AND SUGE...errrrr....JANET JACKSON

I'm not dead people, I've just been traveling.

COPS - I was watching "Cops" the other day and they had a sting set up where they were busting guys trying to pick up prostitutes. I was so embarrassed for those guys. Almost as embarrassed as I get when I see Paul Wall. Every one of them was like "NO! I wasn't trying to pick up a prostitute. We was just talking." It's funny how I don't get embarrassed for hookers when they get busted on cops. I started thinking about what I would do if I went to pick up a hooker and all of a sudden the show Cops popped out and I was arrested. Instead of going the "we was just talking" route, I'd be like "no, I'm the hooker. I thought she wanted to give me $10 to blow me. There's been a misunderstanding. Go ahead and arrest me, but let it show on the record that I'm the hooker." Yeah, definitely better to be the hooker than the john.

I saw this headline on CNN: "Soldiers abused by insurance agents: A report next week will detail abuses by insurance agents. What can be done to right these wrongs?" Now the insurance industry can safely say they've abused EVERYBODY in the world.

PIRATE ATTACK REPELLED BY CRUISE SHIP CREW - Did anyone else find this story odd? Can you imagine what the captain of the cruise ship said over the intercom. "Hi passengers, Captain Merrill Stubing here....um....I'm sure many of you have been to Disneyland or at least seen Pirates of the Caribbean once in your life. Anyway, remember those lovable pirates that you saw? Well, there attacking the ship right now. Only difference is that these pirates have rocket launchers....but everything will be OK...Issac, Doctor Bricker, Vicki, Judy, and good old Yeoman-Purser Burl 'Gopher' Smith are doing everything in their power to keep us alive." OK, I'm showing my age on this one.

DRUNKEN MOOSE INVADE ELDERLY HOME - They rarely have problems with drunks or rowdy animals, but residents of an elderly home in southern Sweden had to deal with both when a pair of intoxicated moose invaded the premises. God damn those moose know how to party! Many of you have witnessed the drunken Ebola Monkey Man but not these moose. These mother fuckers bring the party to your house. I like that. That's ambition at it's finest.

THIEF ROBS BANK WHILE CHATTING ON PHONE - Some chick described as well-spoken, with a slight Hispanic accent robbed a bank in Virginia while talking on her cell phone. That's so Los Angeles - the whole doing things while talking on your cell phone. I can think of about 1000 better disguises off the top of my head. "They'll never recognize me if I'm talking on my cell phone." I could only imagine what the conversation was like: "Hey girl, I'm just down at the bank robbing this mutha fucka!"

GOT MILK - You know those milk mustache ads that are in magazines? I can't tell if they are ads for milk, cocaine, or porn dvd covers. Damn Arizona State degree!

Finally, take a look at the jogging picture below. Death Row back up in this bitch....IT'S GOOD TO SEE THAT SUGE KNIGHT IS TRYING TO GET BACK IN SHAPE! Oh, my bad, that's Janet Jackson. Holy shit Janet, what happened? Lay off the cookies and ice cream.



10/18/05

BAD MARKETING, BAD MUSIC, AND BAD MOVIES!


I was in Utah this week so I apologize for not returning emails and updating. I'll be in Los Angeles next week and Reno the following so I'll be out of touch for awhile. I've been busy but I'm slowly getting it together. There will be a new Monkey Pox scam submission later this week. It's pretty good.

BURGER KING - Does anyone else get freaked out by these commercials? These commercials are scarier than most horror movies. Tell me the Burger King commercial where the King is sitting at the dude's window when he opens the curtains isn't scarier than the Ring or the Ring 2. If I opened my window to that guy, I'd scream like Mariah (why don't you have some dirty hot sex with me / I loved you when you went crazy on TRL) Carey when she hits those high notes. Good marketing job...."lets scare the shit out of the viewers. That should make them want to eat burger king." That commercial should have ended with the Burger King taking an axe to the guy and then the voice over going "Unfortunately, Dave ate at McDonalds. The Burger King paid him a little visit. Don't be next. Have it your way at Burger King."

speaking of marketing.....

WELLS FARGO - This is my bank. They have to be the slowest bank on the planet. Whoever came up with the idea to have the wagon pulled by horses in the logo hit it right on the head. When I think of speed, I think of a formula 1 race card. When I think of Wells Fargo and moving slow, I think of a wagon.

SPRINT - This is my cell phone company. Now they were way off when they came up with their name. Every time I go into a Sprint store, it's a minimum of 2 hours before I can leave. They are the slowest when it comes to customer service. When I think of the word Sprint, I think of speed. Speed and Sprint stores don't go together. They should change their name to CRAWL. Be honest. Their tag line could go something like this - CRAWL: Sure we are slow, but at least we are cheap.

Music Biz Sings for Hurricane Victims. Hurricane Relief: Come Together Now will be released in mid-November, the record companies announced Monday. Do "We Are the World" type songs appeal to anyone anymore? I can't imagine what these songs could be about. Maybe something like this:

"There comes a time, when we get hit by a fucking category 5 hurricane, when the streets are littered with sewer and rain. When we can get mad at the government that they don't help people who live in places that get hit with hurricanes over and over again fast enough."

"We'll steal your TV, we'll loot the Heineken, we'll shoot at the ambulances who try to help us, we'll euthanize our old people!"

ROCKY 6 - :HPIO:POIJ :OIL:KFKDJEL KFJLEJFFLK EJFOJOIEJOIJF IOEJF{HBGH Sorry, I was just banging my fucking head against the keyboard. I couldn't get anyone to even look at the script I wrote (Four Steps to Closure) and someone is making Rocky fucking six. I would rather watch a movie about a monkey at the zoo that throws his own shit at people. I've lost all hope in hollywood. Keep making shit fellas.

SPEAKING OF MOVIES: For those that know me, you know I'm a huge zombie movie fan (even though most zombie movies suck). Anyway, I finally saw Undead (Australian Zombie flick). The movie started off great, then quickly spiraled out of control. I mean the plane crashed into the mountain, the shark ate the boat. WTF?????? It goes from good zombie movie to shitty alien flick. On a good note, I just got Land of the Dead on DVD. Even though it was the weakest of the Romero films, I still like it. Maybe it's my soft spot for George or something.

I'm done. I love you all.


10/4/05

"So my number one job is to keep her off the pole."

It's been a long time, I shouldn't of left you, without some mindless banter to read to, read to....read to, read to. Where have I been? I moved to Las Vegas, had a daughter, and took some time off. That's right, I made a baby. Scary because I've never thought of myself as family guy, but I'm working it out. For those that know me personally, it's even a bigger shock. And yes, I've already apologized to her for all the things I'll do wrong. I'm confident I'll figure this out and I've made a promise to myself that she won't ever hate me.

I live in a great place in Vegas. I joined a gym. It's the greatest people watching joint in the planet. Every time I work out, I'm like "Stripper, call girl, bouncer, call girl, stripper, stripper, bouncer, call girl...." 24 Hour Fitness, it's fantastic.

PETA - Peta has decided to go to war with Elle McPherson. Great idea. Going to war with the model, that's going to help rid the world of fur coat fans. "Quick, there she is, throw a bucket of paint on her!" Doo doo de dumb. Elle McPherson probably doesn't know the difference between fur and cotton. "You mean this is made out of Parakeet fur?????? Really?" Memo to Peta - get the attention of the consumer, not the model. She's just trying to make a living.

KATE MOSS - God Damn I want to party with you. WHITE LINES - (white lines) vision dreams of passion (going through my mind) and all the while I think of you (pipeline) a very strange reaction (yours to unwind) the more I see, the more I do. I saw the video cutie. You're a mess and I find it sexy as hell.

PAUL WALL makes Eminem look really white. Like as white as Bill Gates. How embarrassing! I want to apologize to any of my black fans for Paul Wall. I would say "just send him back" but I think he's too far gone.

BUSH Nominates Miers - THAT'S A MAN BABY!!!!

I know this is late but being that I missed a month and a half. To those effected by the hurricanes:

THE SOUTH - Maybe living in a place where hurricanes strike isn't such a good idea.

TEXAS - I've always been hard on you, but you stepped up. Great job.

THE LOOTERS - "We were only stealing necessities." Yeah, beer and TV's are essential to survival. Sounds about right.You should have been shot on site. You know it, I know it, and the rest of the people in their right minds know it. May you die of syphilis, slowly.

NATALIE HALLOWAY - Damn that hurricane! Blew you off the TV. Sad thing is, they let the people that killed you go.

OK, I'm off. I just want to leave you with this:

FUCK TARGET, the only thing that store is good for is actually using it for.......a target.


8/13/05

I opened an email from a guy named John to find this:

Nice website. I have wasted several hours of work reading and laughing my ass off at your work and I just wanted to say a big thank you.

Anyway here is my problem – Where the fuck are you? I mean if your going to run this site – then run the fucking thing! Every time I check to see what’s new either there is nothing or just some stupid bitch session about you and your dumb assed trip. If you want a “Love me because I am beautiful” site like Britney or the Olson twins then do it! Otherwise straighten the fuck up and get some new material going!

Look at it this way if you cant drive the fucking car then at least hand the fucking keys over to someone who can.

I had some friends over and I read it out loud and they were all like "ohhhh, how are you going to respond?" The truth is, the only response I have is "dude, you're right." I haven't pulled off a scam bait in about a year. The reason: it isn't fun anymore. I've said this before and I'm going to say it again. When I started the site in 2001, there were only two other sites like mine. They weren't even like mine to be honest. They were more PC and watered down. I WAS THE ONE THAT JUMPED ON THE GRENADE AND SHOWED EVERYONE IT WAS OK TO FUCK AROUND WITH THESE ASSHOLES. 4 years later, and hundreds of death threats from the witch doctors and voodoo makers of Africa and I'm still standing, yeah yeah yeah. I believe creativity is what makes the scam bait. It was fun making people laugh by coming up with these elaborate stories and watching these thieves jump through hoops to steal money. Back then, it was so easy to be creative. As time went on and my site got more publicity, it became more of a job. I never meant for the site to be seen by anyone by my co-workers and family. The fun got sucked out of it. I started wondering how I was going to top my last bait. Then came the clones (Monkey Pox). It was great to see my readers start branching off and creating their own sites. Shit, some of copy cat sites looked better than my cheesy looking site (SELF TAUGHT, YEAH!). As great as it was to see the world get hip to the 419 scam through the media pub and the copy cat sites, it was a shame to see us kill the Golden Goose. Scammers started getting wise to the whole "take a picture holding a sign that says NUTZONMYCHIN, INC." It got to the point where 4 out of 5 scammers that I emailed knew something was up after response #2. So what did I do? Just quit and started the diary section for the die hard fans. Deep inside, I knew the diary was just throwing the readers a bone, knowing damn well I'll never do another bait. I feel very good about being one of the original pioneers of Scam baiting. I also feel like I went out on top. I've got a good library of scam baits that people like, and that makes me happy.

I'm tired people. Between working two jobs, running ebolamonkeyman.com, driving my soul mate who hates me crazy, drinking, poppin' happy pills, living life to the fullest (those that know me understand), and trying to keep everyone laughing....I'm burnt. Oh, before I forget to mention, I'm TIRED OF NOT GETTING PAID real money for this. I love my fans but "No, I don't want to help you with your scam, No...I don't want to write for you magazine for free, No...I don't want to speak at your convention for free, No...I don't want to help you write your movie script using my immature humor, No...I will not sleep with your wife as a token of your appreciation (OK, I don't get this one but a guy can dream). If someone has something for me that can benefit both of us, I'm all yours.

Anyway, so I agree with John and his email but did he have to be so harsh. Did you have to compare me to Britney and the Olson twins? I mean, if you are going to compare me to a girl, couldn't it be Justin Timberlake (she's so pretty and she can dance)? I'm ready to pass the keys over to the next driver. Until someone steps up, I'm going to post in my shitty lame diary and complain about current events, MTV, and how ANDY FUCKING MILONAKIS..shouldn't have his own god damn show. I'm dying here.

On that note, I leave you with two great pictures of me.

PS - It's not a good time to be a boy scout right now. You guys are under attack. Just an FYI.


7/23/05

THE DEVIL'S REJECTS, 3 O'CLOCK HIGH, CAN SOMEONE PLEASE EXPLAIN ANDY MILONAKIS TO ME? and JUDE LAW'S PENIS NEEDS A REALITY SHOW!

DEVIL'S REJECTS - Loved it. One of the better movies I've seen in a long time. Certainly better than that pussy ass War of the Worlds...anyway, I actually enjoyed it more than the first movie. It actually made sense. Every time this guy does something, he moves higher up on my list of great people. He makes good movies, he seems cool, and he makes great sex/stripper music. BRAVO - take a bow Rob.

Speaking of great movies, I just watched 3 O'clock High. Nothing like a solid 80's movie to cheer you right up.

Can someone please explain Andy Milonakis??????? It's not even funny. What type of crack was Jimmy Kimmel smoking when he gave this tool his own show? I want some! I guess I just don't get it. I mean, yeah, THE SUPER BOWL IS GAY was pretty funny but not "here's your own show" funny. I've been busting my ass for 3 years with ebolamonkeyman.com and all I get is radio interviews, magazine articles, and a couple of speaking engagements. I WANT MY OWN FUCKING SHOW. I can act retarded too. Hell, I am retarded!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My new favorite thing: Mash Ups. If you want to here two amazing CD's go get: DJ Muggs mixtape - Rock SuperStar & DJ Muggs & DJ Warrior mixtape - Mash-Up Radio. The two best Mash Ups that I've heard are Whole Lotta Biggie and the Beatles Vs. Obie Trice (reminds me of Corky Thatcher). http://www.mixtapesusa.com/blrosumaradj.html

JUDE LAW....What the fuck bro?????? Everybody creeps (pretty much everyone) and I know that but damn you are lacking some basic rules. Jude has been eating retard sandwiches again. PUT THEM DOWN AND LISTEN. #1 - Don't shit in your own backyard. There's a huge population of women out there, find one in another state/country if you have to get laid that bad. #2 - Don't tell the chick you are creeping with that she's special. You are just asking for trouble. Never a good idea, especially when you are famous. #3 - Take a cue from old Charlie Sheen, go get a high priced call girl. You can afford it. Charlie once said that he doesn't pay them for sex, he pays them to GO AWAY. #4 Finally, LOCK THE FUCKING DOOR YOU FUCKING IDIOT. Mother fucker was begging to get caught. On that note, I'd like to lobby for Jude's pennis to get his own reality show.

Well, that's it for me. I'm off to Dayton for three days.

And remember people, have your Jude Law spade or neutered!


7/18/05

Scottsdale, Vegas, Janice Dickhead, and a bunch of mindless banter!

I'm back from my Scottsdale, AZ and Las Vegas, NV trip. I will get to everyone's emails in a couple of days. I need some time to Detox. The trip was insane. Met some great new friends along with catching up with the old ones: My beautiful cousin Jen, Miller, Chris Dallas, Perry, Little Angel and Co., Nate, Pete & Megan (you two run the best Gold's Gym in the country), Courtney (yeah, I saw your scene in Garden State), Anna, Derrick (win your next race for the Monkey) and Brian Kirgin over at Skin, Rain, and Ghost Bar. If you are in Scottsdale, you should check out Pussycat Lounge, Salty Senorita, Suede, Seven, the J Bar, and the pool at the James Hotel. While I was in Las Vegas, I stayed at the Wynn hotel. We got comped some amazing rooms. My bathroom even had a flat screen TV. So I have to thank Steve B for the hook up and the amazing time. The hotel was great. I've pretty much stayed at every hotel in Vegas and I got to say, this is one of the best. The only complaint is the damn elevators. I was on the 59th floor and every time me and my friends went to use the elevator, it took us 15 minutes. They were too small and there weren't that many. Besides that, I give the hotel and A. For all my friends, lets do this Vegas thing again in Feb.

I've been watching Surreal Life. I like seeing the personalities of these people. I really do. For example, after watching this season, I can safely say that I wouldn't mind hanging out with any of them. EXCEPT JANICE DICKINSON. That bitch has got some nerve and makes me want to jump out a fucking window. I saw this episode where they were blowing against a mentally handicap team. Here's the deal, when you are fat, you really shouldn't pick on other fat people. It's like an unwritten rule. So being that Janice is a retard, she shouldn't be making fun of the mentally handicap. She's not even the good retarded, she's the worst kind. I'd hang out with any of those kids before I pissed on fire to put Janice out. Those people can't help it, she chooses to be a stupid retard. If I was one of the mentally challenged kids on the other team, I'd be like "Damn, that Janice chick is retarded as a mutha fucka!" Corky Thatcher from Life Goes On probably thinks she's too retarded. If I were Jose Canseco, I'd try to get her in bed simply so I could put one of those red S & M balls in her mouth to shut her up. Jose has no shame, he's been known to smack a girl around. The minute she called the kid retarded, he should have back handed her. At least shook the shit out her. NOTE: I DO NOT CONDONE VIOLENCE AGAINST WOMEN, UNLESS IT'S JANICE DICKINSON. Memo to Janice - It's over doll, let go, nobody remembers you as a super model. You're just another pretty face these days with a really bad attitude.

I see that Eminem my retire early - I'm begining to believe there is a god! Thanks Em, that would be great.

Village People Cop Busted - isn't that ironic? YMCA. I hope he hit the cops with "Do you know who I am?????" That would be classic.

I was just listening to that Destiny's Child song "Cater 2 U." The lyrics go like this:

Promise You (Promise You)I'll Keep Myself Up (Oh)
Remain The Same Chick (Yeah) You Fell In Love With (Yeah)
I'll Keep It Tight, I'll Keep My Figure Right I'll Keep My Hair Fixed, Keep Rocking The Hottest Outfits
When You Come Home Late Tap Me On My Shoulder, I'll Roll Over Baby I Heard You, I'm Here To Serve You (I'm Lovin It, I'm Lovin It)
If It's Love You Need, To Give It Is My Joy All I Want To Do, Is Cater To You Boy
Let Me Cater To You Cause Baby This Is Your Day
Do Anything For My Man Baby You Blow Me Away
I Got Your Slippers, Your Dinner, Your Dessert, And So Much More
Anything You Want Just Let Me Cater To You
Inspire Me From The Heart, Can't Nothing Tear Us Apart
You're All That I Want In A Man; I Put My Life In Your Hands
I Got Your Slippers, Your Dinner, Your Dessert, And So Much More
Anything You Want, I Want To Cater To You

Who are they trying to fool?????? Chicks always complain about guys lying and that right there raises the bullshit flag. Every chick I know that's married has basically let go. So anyways, I wrote my version, which consists of the truth:

Promise You (Promise You)I'll completely change (Oh)
Remain The Same Chick (Yeah Right) You Fell In Love With (Yeah Right)
I'll Keep It Loose, I'll gain at least 23 pounds and constantly ask you if I look fat, I'll stop wearing my extension, Keep Rocking The stretch pants!
When You Come Home Late Tap Me On My Shoulder, I'll Roll Over and scream at you, I'm Here To nag you!
If It's Love You Need, To Give It Is My Joy All I Want To Do, Is YELL AT You Boy
Let Me YELL AT You
Won't do shit For My Man Baby except push you Away
I spend your money, suck your soul, drain you mentally, And no more blowjobs!
Anything You Want Just Let Me YELL AT You
No more hanging with your boys, no more playing basketball, and no more spontaneous sex.
I'll throw fits like a diva, even though all the money is technically yours. I won't laugh at your jokes anymore.
I'll talk about my work and people you don't know for hours, yeah, all for my man.
I'll make my father hate you. LIES LIES LIES

This song could go on for days. I just think it's funny to hear a girl sing about shit like that.

Pictures of the trip coming soon! Go out and support my man Richard Cheese. The new album is in stores now.


6/18/05

I'M COMING OUT, I WANT THE WORLD TO KNOW!

You know when people say "you learn a lot about yourself over the years"? Well, I learned a lot about myself over one email. Apparently I'm gay and live in Canada but currently working in Bogotá, Colombia. LOL, dying on the floor laughing OUT FUCKING LOUD!!!!!! I've heard of this happening to famous people and hot chicks, but not losers like me. He actually took my THINGS ABOUT ME section and changed certain aspects.

I opened my email box to this message:

Hi Michael,

Having seen your photos previously, and reading your self-description there, I was a bit surprised to see the same photos popping up here:
http://www.bigmuscle.com/profile.phtml?uid=MusclesAndTatts
from someone calling himself Kevin. I trust that you can't be both Michael and Kevin, both from Ohio and Canada, and both straight and gay at the same time. Amusingly, a lot of the self description is the same as well, so more than just the photos have been reused...

When I clicked on the link, I spit my water out. All these questions ran through my mind: Who is this clown? Has my image and my personality traits gotten him laid (God knows it doesn't work for me)? Did he have to make me seem sooooo gay? Jewel's Spirit (favorite album). I mean come on.

My metro sexualness has caught up with me. This is what I get for not having chest hair. :) The worst part about it all is that this is not what I'd be like gay. I was raised by queens, so I know how I'd be. Please feel free to drop this douche bag a line and tell him he's a fake. Tell him that you knew it wasn't real because Mike is way more flaming than that. LOL

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to go trade fashion tips with Elton John....


6/15/05

ME BEING SHITTY AT UPDATING, MICHAEL JACKSON, NATALEE HOLLOWAY, BRITNEY & PIMP OF THE YEAR, BEN & JEN, TOM & KATIE ON E Pt. 2, and CELEBRITIES THAT TRY TO LOOK LIKE MY DOG.

Shit, along time has passed since I've updated. I apologize. I always mean to update but I never get down to it. Story of my life. Let's dive in.

Michael Fucking Jackson. Looks like Michael is just as bullet proof as a Catholic Priest. Ahhhh, to be a celebrity in California....a guy can dream. If I was the DA in the case I'd look at the camera and go "fuck it, I surrender." What else does this guy have to do to children to get busted? Hold on a second, my "ADULT ALARM" is going off...........................................................................Oh, OK...It was nothing....Anyway. See how creepy that sounds? As parents, we should all know to keep our children away from Catholic Priest, guys who drive and sell ice cream, and now MICHAEL JACKSON!

Natalee Holloway & Aruba - I feel so bad for this girls family. Everytime I turn on the news and see how the police down there have turned this case into a giant buttfuck-a-thon, it makes me sad. Everybody knows those three kids did something, yet they seem to be jerking us off in the media. I have the solution. If I was the cheif of police in Aruba, I'd sit those three kids in a room. I'd start with Joran Van Der Sloot (the last one to see her alive), and I'd cut his pinky finger off. Then I'd take out a stop watch and say "for every minute that goes by that you don't say anything, I'm going to cut off another finger." Something tells me that one of them would speak up. Just a hunch. Oh, and I'd have the dude from the Green Mile stand behind them so when they asked why he's in the room, I could say "he'll be fucking you in the ass when I'm done!"

Britney Spears (SEE PICTURE BELOW) - If I've said it once, I've said it 100 times. Kevin Federline is the PIMP of the YEAR. I just picture him going "you better walk you fat bitch. Where's my latte? Did you drink half of it? Does Kevin have to choke a bitch?????"

Tom and Katie (SEE PICTURE BELOW) - Was I right or was I right people?. I told you Tom and Katie are constantly on E.

Ben and Jen (SEE PICTURE BELOW) - Hi, we're homeless. Do you have any change to spare?

My Lou Dog - For those of you that know me, you know how much my Lou Dog means to me. She's my crazy party shitzu. You all should remember her from the night her and Nick Nolte took some E and GHB and got busted (SEE PIC BELOW). Apparently her hair cut is sweeping Hollywood by storm. First Mr. Nolte, then the little Gotti retards, now Judd Nelson. Listen, it's cool to say you love Lou Dog...hell, everybody does...but get your own style please. It's gettin' to be ri-goddam-diculous people.......LOU DOG ROCKS BITCHES!

I love you and miss you all. Thank you for the emails.


6/2/05

Tom Cruise, Lindsey Lohan, Michael Jackson, and WTF??? RODMAN.

What the hell is going on with Tom Cruise? Dude, chill out on the E. I smell my own man. To be that high on life without X would be pretty difficult to do. He's acting like Pepe Le Pue with Katie Holmes. Plus he thinks he's a therapist now. It's easy to be happy when you have millions of dollars......um.....and E. Please get hit by a tidal wave Tom.

Lindsey Lohan got her car ran into by a photographer and suffered some injuries. Watch her fragile frame! She's probably feeling down and I have the perfect thing to make her feel better.......a poem.

Dear Lindsey.....

I love you on coke, I love you on E
I love you on K, I love you on G
The rumors, baby don't fight it
Keep your head up, be proud of your crystal meth diet

The way you stay out so late to party is scary
Crazy bitch, like TRL and Mariah Carey
Your new figure is the best,
Now drink this bong water and give me some of your meth!
I LOVE YOU.

That should win her over. I love how everyone is making a big deal about her wait. She's freaking partying people. Leave her alone. Yeah, I know....I'm just tying to bone her and get some of her stash but so what.

Closing arguments in the Michael Jackson case today. Wouldn't be great if they just came back and said "we've decided to throw everyone involved in jail....that means the freak, the parents, and the lawyers." A guy can dream.

Check out this picture of Dennis Rodman. What is wrong with this brother?????? Honkey PLEASE!


MY SITE, MUNCHKINS, CHAPPELLE SHOW, BAM, and THE GIFT THAT KEEPS ON GIVING!

I hired a friend of mine to redesign my YourGunParts.com site. He made a mockup for me to check out the other day. See the picture below. He's like "what do you think?" I'm like "it's, um, good." It would be good, if I sold my customers were only military, militia, guerilla freedom fighters, anti-terrorist groups, etc..... I'm like "John, lose the camo colors and dudes with guns in your face and we are on to something."

Time for the news:

OLDEST LIVING MUNCHKIN TELLS ALL: There is no GOD! Just kidding. He didn't say that but I'm surprised he wouldn't. He's 4-foot-7 and 89 years old. I'd be one bitter fucking munchkin. Then again, he's probably a lot stronger than I am.

CHAPPELLE'S PRODUCITON SUSPENDED

WHAAAAAAAAAAT! Oh great, that means more fucking reruns on Comedy Central of the first two seasons. Look, no matter how you cut up the old shows, it's not fooling anyone. "Chappelle Show: the Charlie Murphy Skits" "Chappelle Show: The Best of Season 1" Chappelle Show: The Best of the Best." IT'S ALL THE FUCKING SAME ONES! OVER AND OVER AGAIN!

Can someone tell me why Bam Margera is doing Right Guard commercials? Does he really need the money that bad? Doesn't seem cool for some reason. I could see him doing it if he could do things like throw cans of Right Guard at his parents while they sleep at 3AM.

Chalk it up to one of those great mysteries of the world: Why is Paris Hilton famous, why do the Olsen twins dress like they are homeless, why won't Angelina Jolie make a sex tape that gets stolen, how close were we to seeing Britney do Bukkake, what the fuck happened to Bone Thugs N Harmony's music, where is Chris Tucker, why did Michael Jackson have to die after Thriller, why are the reruns of Chappelle Show always on when I turn on Comedy......oh, I already covered that.

Ron Jeremy to Oxford.....Ebola Monkey Man to Mensa....Enough said.

AND THE THANK YOU AWARD OF THE WEEK GOES TO TOM CRUISE:

From Katie Holmes: Thank you Tom, thank you for fucking me in the mouth and leaving me the wonderful present of HERPES. You're the best Tom.


MY SIMPLE LIFE, HASPEL, MISSING FINGERS, KID N PLAY (WTH?)

I went and saw Crash yesterday. Great movie. One of the better movies that I've seen in awhile.

My arm is finally healed. I think I should be done with the complete sleeve on my right arm by the next sitting. Conan might be able to pull of the most amazing cover-up of all time. Hopefully he'll email me some of the pics that he took while I was down there. I'm so fucking tired of tattoos. I just want to be done. I'm getting old.

Speaking of pics, I got one from the Haspel event that I returned to modeling for. I look like a 40 year old. I'm supposed to be getting more pics so I'll post them when they get here. They sent me the newspaper article that it appeared in and it wasn't so bad. I don't think I'm a blazer and jeans type of guy. Oh well.

I had my house painted yesterday. It cost me $700. The only reason it bugs me is that I'm selling it. I don't even get to enjoy the new paint job. I can't wait to get out of this fucking state. I miss sun. I've always said that the Midwest is "where dreams go to die" and I feel stronger about that everyday. I feel like my moods will be better when I'm in Arizona.

RALEIGH, North Carolina (AP) -- To a dessert shop customer, the severed fingertip found in a pint of frozen custard could be worth big dollars in a potential lawsuit. To the shop worker who lost it, the value is far more than monetary. But Clarence Stowers still has the digit, refusing to return the evidence so it could be reattached. And now it's too late for doctors to do anything for 23-year-old Brandon Fizer.

If I was Brandon Fizer, I'd make it my life mission to cram that finger up Stowers ass. We live in such a sue happy world, that dude wouldn't give the finger back so he can cash in. Stupid fuck. Even without the finger, he still had a case to sue. Fair is fair. Clarence Stowers should be forced to have one of his fingers cut off so we can save another stupid lawsuit.

Despite the propitious timing of his revelation, Clark denies that airing the Abdul affair is part of a marketing ploy to hawk books or CDs. His self-titled debut, including the tracks "Wiggle and Shake," "Chance to Dance," "Paulatics" and "Follow That Back," which features a cameo from Kid of Kid 'N Play, hits stores June 21.

What is wrong with the above paragraph? Can you see what just pops out and hits you with the strange glove? If you are my age, it jumps out of the screen. KID FROM KID 'N PLAY????? WTF? He's still alive? Talk about killing your album before it comes out. Couldn't Corey get any real rappers to make a cameo? They must have been all busy. I wonder how Play feels about this? Play is probably sitting there going "that bastard, I was the clown with the 10 ft. high hair that gave us an identity and he doesn't even have the common courtesy to invite me on that shitty record! O la O la eh."

Hi, I'm the massive tool on the left.


JENNIFER WILBANKS, WTF TEXAS, PAT O'BRIEN, PAULA ABDUL, IS HE BLACK?, NIN, LOTHD, & LIMP BIZKIT.

This came from the dude that was supposed to marry Jennifer Wilbanks (horse face killa *SEE PIC BELOW). "My commitment before God to her was the day I bought that ring and put it on her finger, and I'm not backing down from that," Mason told Fox. Come back little horsey, I'll marry you. Dude, is it that bad. Can't find any other girls. What's wrong with that guy. If she did that to me and someone asked me that, I'd be like "Hell NO! I hope that bitch dies from Syphilis of the eyes after filming a Bukkake film! If that is even possible."

From Fox News - "Texas House Approves Suggestive Cheerleading Ban." We are going backwards as a country folks. Texas, stop being gay.

Television host Pat O'Brien says he didn't escape into alcohol rehabilitation to avoid embarrassing stories about obscene telephone calls he made that were circulating on the Internet. "I fled because I was dying," O'Brien said. "Thank God on some level this happened, and I'm not dead." Oh really?????? Cool, now lets go get some hookers and coke. How dare he put down those obscene phone calls. That's what made him fucking cool again. Actually, it's what made him cool for the first time.

Claim: 'Idol' entrant had Abdul affair. I couldn't care less about who Paula Abdul bangs. It shouldn't even be an issue. What pisses me off about this situation is that it just proves that I might of had a shot with Paula, if I just had the opportunity to meet her. Kind of like Britney. When I hear about these famous chicks bang these regular losers, like me, I feel like I'm not trying hard enough.

Let's play a game. Here's the quote "He ain't gettin no interviews, I'm fine, but he ain't gettin no interview." Now you tell me, is he a black or white dude? That's Jason Williams (AKA White Chocolate or AKA DOUBLE NEGATIVE if you ask me) from the Memphis Grizzles. He said that after he exploded on a reporter in the locker room. He was dressed like he was part of the G-Unit. Very embarrassing.As a white man, I'd like to apologize to all black people for Jason. Please send DOUBLE NEGATIVE back to us when you tire of his antics.

www.landofthedeadmovie.net - June 24. Finally, something to look forward to seeing.

Direct from limpbizkit.com: "Whatever your plans are for your next music purchase be sure to make the NINE INCH NAILS/WITH TEETH your priority."

Then download "Touch My Balls And My Ass" by Fred Durst as it's the best thing he's put out in years thanks to the chick he's banging in it. Rage Against the Machine called and they want THE UNQUESTIONABLE TRUTH PART 1 back.

For all the guys out there who have heard that "all men are dogs." We are going to need a bigger boat!

As for dogs, she looks and runs like one.


SCHIAVO, WEISE, COUEY, PETERSON, & O'BRIAN - I'M PRAYING FOR TIDAL WAVES

Some say the end is near.Some say we'll see armageddon soon.
I certainly hope we will.I sure could use a vacation from this
Bullshit three ring circus sideshow of Freaks

I'm traveling for the next month so I'm going to get it all out now. I've got Chicago, Minneapolis, Los Angeles, and Houston coming up.

People always ask me why I read magazines like US Weekly and watch shows like Behind the Blow errrr.....Music. I've never had a great excuse until now. From here on out, I will now say because of the month of March 2005. It's months like these that make me feel sorry for the troops over in the Middle East. They got to sitting there going "ummmmm, guys, there's a war over here. You know that, right? FOCUS!"

Here in this hopeless fucking hole we call LA
The only way to fix it is to flush it all away.
Any fucking time. Any fucking day.
Learn to swim, I'll see you down in Arizona bay.

Terri Schiavo - I hate to say it, but it's time to go. I really feel bad about the cards this girl has been dealt but shit, this is taking up too much WHATEVER (resources, money, media attention, government, etc). There is no way this taking up this much of the news. Unless the war is over, we've cured AIDS, Cancer is gone, unemployment is under 1%, I'm the president of the WORLD (insert sinister laugh), then I don't want to hear another word. I have a friend who is super religious (like that isn't scary enough) say that she deserves to live. Ever since I've known this guy, he's always talked about how great heaven is. That heaven is better than life itself. Now by that rational, what's the big deal about letting her go on to the "better life." Of course my friend has now response. Terri seems like a decent human, I mean, when she was functional. I'm sure the big imaginary friend for grownups in the sky won't shut her out. Let her go. In my heart of hearts, I can't believe that if someone faced with the option of being an vegetable (face it people, that's basically what she's been reduced to. Take it up with God, not me) or death, they wouldn't choose to be at peace. I'm not being hypocritical either, if I'm in that situation, please kill me or let me die. If I change my mind while I'm a vegetable, let me live with that. Life is tough enough when you are 100% functional.

Fret for your figure and
Fret for your latte and
Fret for your lawsuit and
Fret for your hairpiece and
Fret for your prozac and
Fret for your pilot and
Fret for your contract and
Fret for your car.

Jeff Weise, the 16 year old American Indian Nazi (WTF???????? Is that even right?) who decided one day to fucking take out another school. This kid was apparently going on websites and giving away clues to his mind state. How did we miss that? Something has to be done about these people who openly express their negative feelings towards others. I know for a fact that certain cops racial profile. I have friends who have done nothing more than drive while being black or Mexican and have gotten harassed by cops. So why can't we profile these assholes that belong to Nazi hate sites? If a person gets on a website and starts talking crazy shit, we should probably pay a little more attention. People are so concerned with keeping these sick fucks quiet when we should be encouraging them to be louder. That way, we can keep an eye on them. They should be treated no different than terrorists. You go on a hate site and contribute to it, you should expect heat.

On the other side of it, something has to be done about the bullying that goes on in school. I went to a lot of schools in my time and have seen the things that kids do that could drive any insecure person to go pick up a gun. Teenagers can be stone cold ruthless, like sharks to blood in the water. As someone who went to 4 high schools, I know how tough it can be. I always made it a point to be generally nice to everyone I came across in school and it paid off in the end. Hell, some of the same kids that people tortured, helped me pass my classes and turned out to be great friends. I didn't like everyone I met in school, and I completely ignored those people. Didn't make fun of them, just ignored them. As a matter of fact, I won't bust your balls if I don't like you. I'll just pretend that your not there. I hope a lot of these bullies are starting to take notice that the trend is moving more towards the fucked up kid bringing a gun to school, eventually making that time you embarrassed him in front of your click not seem like such a good idea.

Fuck L Ron Hubbard and Fuck all his clones.
Fuck all those gun-toting Hip gangster wannabes.
Learn to swim.
Fuck retro anything.
Fuck your tattoos.
Fuck all you junkies and Fuck your short memory.
Learn to swim.
Fuck smiley glad-hands With hidden agendas.
Fuck these dysfunctional, Insecure actresses.
Learn to swim.

John Evander Couey. DIE DIE DIE. If a man admits to killing and raping a child, he should be shot right there on the spot. At the time of admission to guilt, he offers nothing more to society except wasted money, wasted resources, and heartache. I don't know how the arresting officers had the control to not shoot on site. People always tell me that I have no business playing God and deciding who should stay, and who should go. I can't think of a better answer than "yes, yes I do." That's when the blank stare comes at me. Anyway, I think I'd be a good judge of who deserves death. If we don't kill them, at least let them get publicly ass fucked. Let me reiterate my stance on public ass fuckings:

Every horrible crime that you commit would result in publicly televised ass fucking. Imagine how much the crime rate would go down if there were public ass fuckings. Like the days when they chopped off your head except they get 10 big dudes that look like the guy in the movie The Green Mile to just rail you in front of millions of viewers.

P. 1 "lets go rob houses for extra money"
P. 2 "no thanks man"
P. 1 "why not?"
P. 2 "because I don't want to get caught and get publicly ass fucked. I've seen the look on those dudes faces."

You know the crime rate would go down. Nobody wants to be "that guy" for the rest of his life.

Cuz I'm praying for rain And I'm praying for tidal waves
I wanna see the ground give way. I wanna watch it all go down.
Mom please flush it all away.
I wanna see it go right in and down. I wanna watch it go right in.
Watch you flush it all away.

"Scott Peterson Attracting Female Fans" - Good idea ladies. Nothing better than falling for a guy who will KILL YOU when he gets tired of you. Remember how Monticore the tiger attacked "the Tigers would never attack me" Roy. Figure it out. WEAREGOINGTONEEDABIGGERBOAT.com - there will soon be a place for you ladies.

Pat O'brien - Leave this man alone. So what that he tried to get this chick to join him in a threesome. So what that he's on tape saying things like "Let's have fucking sex and drugs and just go crazy. You're fucking sexy, I want to go crazy with you." So what if they got pictures of him jerking off. It should have no effect on whether or not he should be allowed to bring us entertainment news. Hell, we let child molesting catholic priests talk for God. What's the big deal? I've only got one thing to say to Pat; GOD DAMN YOU KNOW HOW TO PARTY MAN!

I wanna see it all come down.
put it down.
suck it down.
flush it down.


EBOLA MONKEY MAN: THE SIM

This is what I'd look like if I was a SIM (brought to you by rosegardenofwhores.com). For those of you that know me, she did an excellent job of recreating me as a video game character. YOU ROCK DOLL!


WHAT'S GOING ON IN MY WORLD, THE SHOCKER, 50 CENT STAYING HUMBLE AND A WTF MOMENT

So what's been going on with me lately? I've been traveling and found it hard to sit down and write. To my fans, I apologize. People are always asking me when I'm going to go after another scammer. The truth is, I don't know. I find it more amusing to just keep the diary going. I'm contemplating making another site but I'm not sure if I want to put the time into it. If I do it, I want to do it right. It wouldn't have anything to do with scammers, but it would be just as funny and I think everyone could relate.

As far as ebolamonkeyman.com, I got an interesting email the other day.

Hey Mr. Ebola (monkey man?), whatever, First off, I love your site! I just finished reshooting a short film based on a Nigerian scam email. It's a comedy between Princess Juliet Etete, Linda Bamba and a character I call Virgile Goldman. Anyway, in doing my research I checked out every Nigerian scam site on the web; amazing how many there are (EBOLA MONKEY NOTE: AND WHO DO YOU THINK STARTED THIS SHIT!). And that is how I happened upon you. My new film has a few lines inspired by some of your retorts to the scam letters. I really like what you have written, and actually it's quite similar to the approach I had taken to my first script (a guy responding to the letters). The dialogue is made up from a jumble of reality letters that I rewrote..., and some adlibbing from some other lines based on 'found' material from all around the web. I didn't know how much of anyone's lines were actually going to make it into the final cut. And overall the extra lines are just used as as adlibbing when the actors did not come up with a funny enough moment on their own.

This is a non-profit film, only destined for film festivals, and my own site. The film is in the editing stage now...(only seven minutes long), but it seems like it will turn out pretty well. There are three or four phrases of yours that I would like to keep in the cut, and I would like to ask your permission to keep them. And of course offer you a writing credit, and the film to use on your site, or a link to my site, when the film is finished.

I agreed to let him use whatever he wanted for the movie. I went to his site and he's legit. I'm actually flattered that someone with some talent wants to use my writing for his movie. I'm looking forward to seeing the finished product and you'll be able to download it here. So stay tuned.

I'm returning to modeling after a five year absence for one night. I've been asked model suits for Haspel www.haspel.com.

Mike:

Thanks for agreeing to come to BR for the big Haspel event! This event is the first of its kind for Haspel. We have several people from NY coming in (from our home office and fashion editors, etc.). The event is on Wednesday, March 16 from 4:30-7:30pm with an after-party. The night before we are having a crawfish boil.

It's down in Louisiana. It should be fun and I'm sure I will have plenty to write about and some funny pictures.

Here's a shocker (the feeling, not the real shocker): Charlie Sheen and Denise Richards are over. HEY DENISE, spots on a leopard don't change. Dude use to get all coked out and hire hot hookers to do all kinds of crazy shit. GOD DAMN THAT PROBABLY WAS FUN TIMES! If Charlie Sheen's penis had a camera on it, he probably would have won all kinds of AVN awards. Anyway, why would that girl think that Charlie would calm down and do the family thing for more than maybe a year. Lets face it, Denise Richards, without make-up bitching at you about coming home early and taking out the garbage is not as fun as snorting coke off the ass of two sluts dressed like school girls who are both on their cell phones calling up more coke snorting girlfriends to come over to CHARLIE'S reverse orgy while midgets with platters of E tabs are roller skating around the heart shaped bed while.........this could go on forever. Denise, to make a marriage work, sometimes you have pick up your mates hobbies. My suggestion would be to help him pick out the hookers and join in. Life is so short. If that doesn't work for you, TRY MARRYING A DUDE WITHOUT SOME SERIOUS BAGGAGE YOU DUMB FUCK!

Can anyone tell me why rappers always claim they are "humble" and then proceed to rap about how great they are? I just saw 50 Cent do an interview. He actually had the audacity to say he was "humble." If by humble he means megalomaniac, I guess he's right. DUH DUH DUH, DUH DUH DUH DUMB UNIT! Do steroids make you stupid? What a giant douche bag. If he considers himself humble, who does he think is not humble? I mean, I know I'm the shit but at least I'm humble. ;)

Vin Diesel - The Pacifier - WHAT THE FUCK????????

I love you all people.


MORE STUPID SHIT

I saw today that that Kansas is seeking abortion records in Probe of child rape. They are claiming that when girls 14 or younger become pregnant, they are considered to be victims of rape or sexual assault under Kansas law. Well, chalk it up to WE ARE GOING TO NEED A BIGGER BOAT people. I lost my virginity to a 17 year old girl when I was 13. I wanted to do it, it had nothing to do with rape. I'd like to think I just had it like that at 13 but when I look at pictures of myself back then, the chick must have been on crack. When are people going to realize that people are exploring sexually at younger ages and figure out where to go from there. Not that I get embarrassed by the US because I've been all around the world and just about every country is fucked up in some way or another, but sometimes I say "DAMN!" Why????? Because I truly believe that some of the people in this country that make decisions are no better than my white trash neighbors, who weren't lucky enough to get into politics. Almost 200,000 dead from a fucking wave in Asia and my neighbors get to live. If that's not proof that "life is not fair" I have no idea what is. Don't get me wrong, not every white trash neighbor is bad. Some of them don't voice their opinion on anything because they no better. They basically say "I'm not so smart so I better not say anything because I don't understand it." I'm cool with that. But damn, for somebody in Kansas to say that sex at 14 is rape no matter what the circumstance is, that sounds a little white trash. Rapists should be put to death by BONE SAW, no two ways about it. If the girl was raped, let her tell the story. Don't let some abortion record say it.

Anyway, I just saw that Fred Durst's mobile phone got hacked into like P. Hilton's did. Then I saw his little porno he made on his phone. Nice going Fred. The chick was pretty hot. That must be all day for that dude. My favorite part is when he turns the camera to his face. Totally identifying himself. These celebrities ought to just produce their own porns of themselves, that way they can keep all the profits. There's only one way to keep people from seeing your own fuck film, IT'S TO NOT MAKE ONE IN THE FIRST PLACE! I only hope that Natalie Portman screws up one day. NATALIE - FILM YOUR SEX! FILM YOUR SEX!


"Fat, drunk, and stupid is no way to go through life, son."

Today is a sad day and I'd like to ask for a 10 minute moment of silence in honor of the passing of Dean Wormer from Animal House. Probably one of the most overlooked performances in movie history.

The time has come for someone to put his foot down. And that foot is me.

So I leave tomorrow for Minneapolis, MN. Hell yeah. I've got my bathing suit, sun screen....oh yeah, it's fucking cold there. My client goes, "you'll love it, we throw this big Superbowl party for everyone who attends our show." That's great, that's just what I want. To stand around a bunch of strange guys and watch the Superbowl sounds like a blast.

I turn right around next week and leave for Los Angeles for 6 days. The traveling is starting to catch up with me.

ASSCLOWN AWARD OF THE MONTH:

Daunte Culpepper

The Minnesota Vikings quarterback presented a paralyzed high school football player two diamond necklaces worth about $75,000 during an NFL awards ceremony, but then awkwardly asked for them back after it was finished.

Nothing like giving a kid in a wheelchair some ice and then taking it back. Jeez Daunte, why not just kick him in the balls on top of that. Now I understand that he probably got caught up in the moment, but still, HOW EMBARRASSING. When someone asks you if he or she can have your diamond chains, that's like asking someone for their HEY SOUL CLASSICS. The only response to that is "NOOOOOOOOO my brother, you gots to get your own!"

"As of now they're on Double SECRET Probation!"

This was actually a headline on CNN.com : Police: Student died from 'water intoxication'

See ladies, next time someone is trying to get you to drink alcohol and you say "I'll just have water," HUGE MISTAKE.

If I can leave you with one saying that might change your life people, it would be this:

"Fat, drunk, and stupid is no way to go through life, son."



WE BUILT THIS CITY

Just got back from Indy and finished up one more session of my cover-up. I'm finally at the point of my life where I can't stand getting tattooed. Conan is really pulling a miracle by making the shit that was on my arm disappear. I've included some pictures of it. It's not even close to done.

NWA fans: Check this out. I spit my water out when I heard this version of Straight Outta Compton

www.ninagordon.com/audio/straightouttacompton.mp3

Speaking of strange, I'm sitting here nodding my head to the new Jennifer Lopez song. I've turned into such a pussy. Literally, bobbing my head to it. It's embarrassing.

Speaking of pussy, I have a signed autographed album of starship's NO PROTECTION album. It hangs in my guest bedroom on the wall. I got it when I was a little kid. I didn't even ask for it, they gave it to me as a gift. My mom was at a party with Grace Slick one time and she started talking about me. Anyways, every time somebody sees it, they go "why do you have an autographed copy of Starship album on the wall?" This question could only properly be answered by another question. I usually reply with "why wouldn't someone hang an autograph of the band who created the masterpiece WE BUILT THIS CITY on the wall?" Hey, they gave it to me, I didn't ask for it! Anyway, my buddy Clint calls the other day and tells me that he got me a present. The 7 minute vinyl dance version of WE BUILT THIS CITY. As if the worst song ever made wasn't long enough before, they figured they needed a 7 minute version. Amazing. So I say to Clint, what the fuck am I going to do with that, it's not even autographed. He says "exactly." It's now a challenge to get it autographed by the same people who signed my NO PROTECTION album (Mickey Thomas, Grace Slick, and two other names I can't make out). So if by some freaky chance, someone knows someone who knows someone that was in Starship, circa the NO PROTECTION album, help a honkey out. I know in my heart of hearts I have a better chance of marrying Jennifer Lopez than getting this autographed, I still got to try.

AHHHHHHH.


"HAPPY FUCKING NEW YEAR TOMMY" --- Vince Neil

Hope everyone is having a good new year. I'm traveling the next three weeks and I think it will do me some good. Tomorrow, it's Columbia SC, then Nashville TN, and finally, my Las Vegas annual trip. This will help clear my head. If it doesn't, the alcohol will clear it, like Drano.

If you look below, there are some pics. You'll notice a couple of them are of me playing in a basketball league. I'm the heavily tattooed guy playing along side of the ultra clean cut religious freaks. It's this Tuesday night league over at the Manchester church. I'm sure there are some interesting conversations that go on behind my back there. I know what you are thinking, SO FUCKING WHAT????? For those of you that know me, I'm like a walking anti-christ. I believe that Church and Religion has completely ruined this world. Good concept, but they totally fucked it up. Anyway, so my buddy asks me to play on his team and it turns out that this is a church league with a SUPER religious theme. Like they pray before tip-off and after the game, each team goes into a room and we have some sort of prayer session thingy. I don't believe in God, but I get uncomfortable when I'm in church like setting. The devil on my shoulder reminds me that if there is a God, I'm giving up my exact location by stepping into the home of the lord. Like the minute I step in the door, the alarm in Heaven goes off and he's like "YOU! I've been looking for you!" Anyways, because I love playing basketball, I tow the line and go through the motions. Last night was especially painful because my game was at 9PM, which meant missing the first half of the National Championship. FUCK!!!!!!!! So the minute my game ends, I get my shit and head for the exit, completely forgetting about the prayer debriefing in the creepy room. My buddy is like "you got to do this bro" and I'm like "God knows that the National Championship game only rolls around once a year, right?" So I go into the creepy room and listen to some story about how we need to preach the word to God whenever we get a chance. Every time someone says something like this, I picture the guy on the corner with the sign and megaphone who spits out words like "sinner" and "you're going to burn in hell" when strangers walk by. Anyway, so I'm listening and everyone is thanking God and all I can think about is "while you are at it, ask God about the Tsunami because I'd like to know his take on it. Was it just for fun or population control? I guess all those people forgot to duck dive God." He ends with "i expect to see you all at church this Sunday." I felt like going "if any of you would rather spend the 2 hours at a homeless shelter, that would be fine too." I know, I'm kind of being a dick but to make matters worse, I get home and the fucking score of the championship game is USC 38 - Oklahoma 10. FUCK! I missed the best part, the first 5 minutes of the game. SO I THOUGHT! Turns out I made it home for the best part, the halftime show featuring Kelly Clarkson and Ashlee Simpson.

So it starts off with Kelly singing into the microphone that was apparently turned off. All you see is these techs scrambling around the stage. When it kicks on, she screamed her way through the entire song. It sounded like two cats fucking. Fantastic. Just when it couldn't get any better, Ashlee Simpson comes out and once again proves she can't sing at all. I thought a dog got hit by a car. It was the best. I'm sure she'll blame her band like she did after the SNL thing. Someone needs to remind her that there is a reason why she lip-synchs. Play the fucking tape (the one that matches the song the band plays) and move your mouth to the words. So she lets out this last yelp and the crowed rips into boos. Ha ha! I see two words in her future "BUKKAKE FILMS." If she would have only taken her pants off and jumped on the microphone microphone stand spread eagle, she could be remembered for the chick who upstaged Janet Jackson's Super Bowl show. She had her chance to show off some real talent and she blew it.

You make me wanna la la, la la la, la la, la la la la la la la la la
You make me wanna la la, la la la laaaa You make me wanna SCREEEEAAAAAAEEEEEAAAAAMMMMMM. BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Everyone needs to see Garden State. It's a good flick.


How about this fucking weather, Bunny Brown, Ancondas, and the better version of the video for LEAN BACK

Hope everyone is having a great winter. I know I am. It's so cold here in Ohio, I can't feel my legs. Nothing better than ice skating without skates over your mail box to find that it's frozen shut or not being able to pull into your garage because the sloped driveway is iced over. For the life of me, I can't figure out why the people that found this state decided to STAY! You'd think they would have just kept going west after their balls froze off. Maybe they were so cold they couldn't move. OHIO, WHERE DREAMS GO TO DIE!

I saw the Bunny Brown clip where Chloe Sevigny blows Vincent Gallo. My first reaction was "wow, Gallo can fuck up anything, even a blow job scene." You convince a mainstream actress to blow you on film and that's the best footage you got?????? No freaking pop shot to the face? BOO THIS MAN! When are people going wake up and start throwing shit at this man at these film festivals for making horrible films???? I remember hearing how brilliant this guy was when Buffalo 66 came out. After I sat through the entire movie, the look on my face was something like this "opidhfpioawerfhwr897f9qywo!!!!!!???WTF!!!!" I was like "that mother fucker owes me $3.50 in rental fees." I wrote a script a few years ago that I couldn't even get anyone to read and that guy actually gets movies made. On top of that, he gets blown by Chloe. Something's not right. Not that getting a blow job from Cloe Sevigny is something special. After all, she looks like the type of chick who would drink the bong water out of me and my college roommates water bong on a dare. She obviously has to be a little fucked up to blow Vincent Gallo on film. If you are going to try to get publicity for a shitty movie, shooting a really shitty blow job scene doesn't help. He should have pushed for an anal at least, seems more fitting for the title of the movie. People need to stop saying this man is "brilliant" or "brave" director. He's a giant douche bag that shoots shitty movies and bad blow job scenes. I'd rather sit through Kazaam starring Shaq as a giant fucking genie then BUNNY BROWN.

Speaking of bad movies, I rented Anacondas the other day. I knew this movie was going to be bad but I just felt like watching giant snakes eat people. If you lower your expectation level, movies like this can be enjoyable. Hell, ten times better then a Vincent Gallo movie. Anyway, the girl behind the counter at Hollywood Video goes "there's a monkey in this movie and he is the best actor in the movie." There's like 3 people in line and she blurts it out loud enough for everyone to hear. So I say "wow, you watched this movie thinking you'd find a good actor? It's about giant snakes." Now I'm the asshole. JUST GIVE ME MY FUCKING MOVIE! Why do people who work in video stores think they are movie critics. Just because you didn't pay enough attention in high school, so now you're stuck in your shitty video store nazi clerk job, does not mean you have to make me feel like an idiot for renting a bad movie.

I don't know why but I think this if fucking brilliant:

http://www.jakelake.com/goblin/files/Lean%20Back%203.wmv

Proves that rappers take themselves way too seriously. Keep it gangsta in 05 people.


Tattoos, horny bulls and midget bull fighters, Barry Bonds, and Michael Jackson's sex palace raided again!

I've decided to full sleeve my right arm and cover up the red tribal on my forearm, my first tattoo ever (smile now cry later masks, and the stars on my shoulder. www.conanlea.com already started and it looks like a big mess but it's coming along nicely. I actually didn't think it could be done but he's made me a believer. When I first sat down with him last week, we were just going to touch up the pin-up on the inside of my arm. Then he grabs some markers and starts to draw, for an hour, all over my arm. After about forty minutes, I'm like "that's quite an art project you got there Conan." I couldn't even see where he was going with it. He's like "you got to trust me." I was a little creased but then I figured "fuck it, he's never fucked it up before." So now I have another major tattoo project. I was so close to being done. FUCK.

Go to this website www.uselessjunk.com and scroll down to the bullfighter. Watch the midget fight the bull and check out what happens. That bull was like "I don't want to gore the midget......BUT GOD I WANT TO FUCK HIM." How embarrassing. Imagine being that guy...."I just want to be the first midget to be a bullfighter....I have a dream......It's going to happen." Then it all goes down the drain because some fucking punk ass bull decides IT'S TIME TO BONE in front of the crowed. I wouldn't be able to show my face if I was that guy. You know that midget is like "well God, you did it to me again. Got me really good too. I thought being a midget was bad enough, but noooooooooooo. Had to go throw that horny bull in there just to remind me why LIFE SUCKS!"

Looks like Barry Bonds really did use steroids. HOLY SHIT, ARE YOU SERIOUS????? Come on, why is this a shock? I can't believe that people can't tell when someone is juicing. People don't go from being skinny guys with athletic bodies to looking like the fucking black dude from THE GREEN MILE without steroids. With all the lifting/training I've done in my life, I've never been able to look like the guys in Muscle and Fitness. I've trained hard too. Really hard. In college, my roommate and I use to totally disagree on who was taking the damn things. I'd accuse the guy who was 265 pounds of muscle and ripped to shit of injecting the needle and my roommate would go "no, you could look like that without it." And then I'd look at him and say "OK, now explain why that dude is outside in the parking lot turning over cars like Godzilla and snapping people in half at frat parties." A good rule of thumb is to look at the person, and him compare him to the guy and the girl on the Muscle and Fitness cover. If they look about the same, they are on STEROIDS. Now having said that, we need to start making steroids mandatory for all professional athletes. It's the only way to level the playing field. Baseball is so boring, it would do wonders for it.

This was just on CNN.com: BREAKING NEWS Sheriff's investigators say Michael Jackson's Neverland ranch being searched, CNN confirms. Details soon.

When are they just going to shot this guy so they cover things like, ummmmmm, the huge fucking problem we have over in Iraq. The guy looks like the monster from Jeepers Creepers. I can't believe kids could even be around him without freaking out. Shit, I see kids freak out when they meet Santa at the mall. Scares the hell out of them. So how come Michael doesn't. Strange.

I really hate the fucking holidays but I love you all.


Denver, Traveling like a MF, R. Kelly's adult sex tapes, Anna Nicole Smith at the awards, and when rappers attack!

I'm stuck in Denver for a week with my family. It's good to see my brother and sister. They are growing up so fast. My brother is in High School now. He walked into the house today with his friend Nick. The kid introduces himself and I go "Ohhhh, you're Nick's boyfriend Nick, I've heard so much about you." My brother's like "ignore him dude, that's just how he is." It seems like yesterday when busting his balls made him cry and go hide in his room. I miss those days.

My traveling schedule for the next two months is ridiculous. I'm thinking about moving into my suitcase. I've got Indianapolis, San Francisco, Columbia SC, Nashville, Las Vegas, and Minneapolis coming up. I'm looking forward to Indy because I'm finally going to be done with the tattoo thing. Finish my right arm and I'm out. Of course, I said that the last time I went down there. www.conanlea.com is my favorite artist but he sure takes his time. Doesn't bother me though. He does it right and that's all that matters because there are too many bad tattoos out there.

ANOTHER R. KELLY SEX TAPE PEOPLE. I know what you are thinking: So what, he loves making tapes and letting them get out. This is different this time. He actually made one with an adult, 2 actually. Here's the actual statement from his PR camp: "We can, however, confirm that no one is suggesting the tape depicts anything but the activities of consenting adults."

HA HA. That's hysterical. You know they wanted to go "OH THANK GOD, don't look at old CHESTER THE CHILD MOLESTER this time...." It's kind of like when Homer said "don't let it be the boy" when Bart went all Lord of the Flies. This guy is doing his best to commit career suicide and people keep buying his music. AND EVERYONE THINKS I'M FUCKED UP IN THE HEAD!

I just saw the clip of Anna Nicole Smith at the music awards. That was so ROCK N ROLL, I love it. ONE TOO MANY DOWNERS MY FAT TEXAS PIG? If you can describe the look on the crowd's face by typing a phrase, I assume it must have been something like this: JFLSJLDJF:LD???$?$FLOF:$?$?FR?F$F????????

Now if she only would have squatted and took a giant piss on stage. That would have been perfect. Her attorney blamed it on the fact that she couldn't read the card and that if you look at her post award interviews, her speech was fine. Yeah right, not being able to read the cards makes you act like a dumb pigeon. Let me translate his take on it for the sheltered: Anna took to many downers before getting on stage and she was fine during the post award interviews because we gave her a couple bumps of COKE. Period!

When rap stars attack.....Young Buck - Now that you are famous, going all Michael Myers with that knife was a great idea. Especially with the camera's rolling. When are people going to learn: any award show with that has SOURCE or VIBE attached to it is going to end bad for someone. Here's what kills me. Of all the people he could of stabbed, why couldn't it been R. Kelly??????

Every time I'm down, MTV just makes me laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh............


BAD ACTORS, BAD POLITICS, AND BAD HYBRIDS. VOTE OR DIE BITCHES!

VOTE OR DIE PEOPLE. VOTE MOTHER FUCKAS, OR PUFF DADDY WILL FUCKING KILL YOU. THINK ABOUT IT. WORD!

I saw the Grudge the other day. Very boring movie. WHERE HAVE ALL THE GOOD HORROR MOVIES GONE? Sarah Michelle Gellar is probably the worst actress on the planet. She's not even something good to look at. About half way through, something hit me. She's with Freddie Prinze Jr., who arguable could be the worst actor on the planet. Think about this people. If they have a kid, it could be like a supped up monster version of a bad actor who picks piss poor movies. Really, really, really bad movies. That kid would be amazing. Imagine an actor that could be confused for a prop on set. I could just see the casting director talking to the kid:

"We've narrowed it down to you, a piece of wood, or a box of Rotini spaghetti for the lead in this movie."

Now only if Keanu Reeves was somehow related to either of those two. The PERFECT STORM OF BAD ACTING.

I got a call from a telemarketer the other day. It wasn't really a telemarketer, just a recording (seems like the telemarketing companies aren't even trying anymore). Anyway, it was for some guy running for something and he wanted my vote. He alluded to something having to do with the sanctity of marriage, which was code for "I DON'T THINK THOSE HOMOS SHOULD BE ALLOWED TO MARRY." I could care less if someone from the same sex wants to get married. Good for them. It got me thinking that I don't have a place in this world when it comes to this issue. The line is divided between those that are pro gay marriage, and those that aren't. I'm for banning marriage all together. See, I'm on an island people. Imagine getting my campaign call:

"If you vote for me, I'll make abortions mandatory for unfit people, outlaw marriage in the US except for in West Virginia, I will bomb New Jersey so it falls off into the Atlantic ocean, I will make Pittsburgh a giant landfill, I will do away with all organized religion, I will combine the porn awards with the Oscars, making one giant award show, I will give tax breaks to people with tattoos, etc......"

Politicians are amazing. People line up to vote for these assholes. We loose either way people. The only two that have a chance either sway too far right, or too far left. What a waste.

My car is on it's way out. It takes it about 20 minutes for it to go into reverse. I want a hybrid car but nobody seems to have them. I take that back, Honda had their Hybrid Civic on the lot but that car is way too small. I want the Ford Escape Hybrid or the Honda Accord Hybrid. Not a fucking Hybrid to be found. Anywhere! MEMO to all the tree huggers: I'm trying to help the environment by getting a Hybrid and nobody has them for sale. Please start throwing buckets of paint at car dealerships.

I'm off to go see which idiot my country is going to have to follow for four more years. Will it be a GIANT DOUCHE or a TURD SANDWICH????????


On a Monday, I am waiting
Tuesday, I am fading
And by Wednesday, I can't sleep
Then the phone rings, I hear you
And the darkness is a clear view
Cuz you've come to rescue me
OHHHHHH SHIT. It's the wrong song.

ASHLEE SIMPSON AKA MILLI VANILLI LITE

This goes out to a special girl.

Hell yeah. I love the fact that Ashlee Simpson made an ass of herself on SNL. Nothing like matching up the lip synched lyrics to the wrong beat. What a fucking nightmare! You know, deep down inside, Jessica is smiling. I'm talking a serious ear to ear grin. "Nick, I'm the singer. I'm the pretty one in the Simpson family. This is God's way of balancing out the fact that he gave my ungrateful sister a number one album. Don't you see it?"

What's great is that Ashlee tried to blame it on her band. She actually said they played the wrong song. A song that they already did earlier in the evening. Way to think on your feet there girl. That was just about as believable as saying "I'm a ventriloquist and I'm practicing singing while the microphone is down by my side." She could have at least said that was her rendition of Milli Vanilli at the Puyallup State Fair. A way of saying I respect the old school, the classic lip synchers.

MEMO to Ashlee: I guess that deal you made with the devil had some clauses in it. If you are going to make an ass out of yourself, do it big time. Take a cue from Courtney Love. The minute you hear the lip synch track play over the wrong melody, throw the microphone at the crowed, kick the guitar player in the balls, take your shirt off and try to stick your left nipple in your mouth(there is really no purpose in doing this, I just want to see some titties), stage dive into the drum set, douse yourself with a tank of gasoline, light a lighter, look up to the sky, and yell out "WHY DID JESSICA GET ALL THE LOOKS YOU MOTHER FUCKER" as you light yourself on fire.

That's Rock N Roll.

EVERYBODY GO BUY DAWN OF THE DEAD ON DVD TODAY. Great flick.


SUPERMAN, BRITNEY, KEVIN SMITH, KORN (WHAT THE FUCK GUYS?) and SAVED.

The world's going to shit folks. Superman's dead and Britney's married for real this time. I've got three words for her and if Kevin is smart, he'll pass this on to her: KANYE'S WORKOUT PLAN. I bet she blows up to a deuce and a half.

I watched Jersey Girl against my better judgment last night. If I could sit down with Kevin Smith, I'd say "tell me what happened? What is causing these bad movies? Lets talk it out." I watched the Clerks 10th anniversary addition last week and it brought back the memories of brilliance. Anyone else notice that his movies have gotten worse each time? I watched Jersey Girl and I wanted to throw up. Even George Carlin looked like he wanted to throw up. He looked like he wanted to turn to the camera and say "sorry, I really need the money." I guess Kevin is keep with EVERYTHING NEW JERSEY. It's cool at first and then it goes to shit.

Speaking of WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING: Word Up by Korn. The lead singer of the group who originally did that song use to jump around with a giant cock piece. If they aren't careful, they are going to quickly become Limp Bizkit. Before you know it, they'll be doing the soundtrack for Scooby Doo 3. If you are going to do a bad 80's song, do something like "Cherry Wine" by Jermaine Stewart or totally loose your mind and do "We Built This City" by Starship. That would be fun. If you are going to lose it, lose it big.

Everyone needs to go out and rent "Saved." It's a great movie. It shows you just how bad religion can screw up one's better judgment.


Video Clips from the 04' Mensa Convention

I've finally got off my ass and completed the DVD from the Mensa Convention Speech. The first one is some clips from the speech itself, and the second one is a compilation of me and my friends being drunk and doing stupid shit during the convention. Enjoy:

Immaturity at it's finest folks!

UPDATE: CLIPS ARE SUCKING UP TOO MUCH BANDWITH. IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO SEE THEM, PLEASE EMAIL ME AND I WILL SEND THEM TO YOU.


What I've Been Doing Lately, Mullets, and Sports

I haven't been doing shit lately besides working. In my free time, I've been working on my DVD of the Ebola Monkey Man gig in Las Vegas I did for Mensa. It's coming along great. I'm putting together a preview of some of the outtakes of all the footage we took. Nothing better than watching four drunk assholes making, well, assholes of themselves. I've got about two hours of features on this dvd. It will be something that I take out and watch 15 years from now and smile. Besides that, I've been pretty lazy.

I was down in Dayton last week working in a gun store for a promotion. Usually I can't stand sitting there but the guys at this store were cool as hell. They all had some serious tattoo work and once they saw that I wasn't like all the other reps, we got along great. Anyway, we were mullet hunting for three days. Every time someone came into the store with a mullet, we got over the store's PA system and said "can an sales associate please come to the gun counter, there is a situation that needs taming." That was code for "get your ass out here, you got to see this guy or girl with a mullet." So this one guy walks in and his mullet is down to the middle of his back. This was some serious "Don't Tell My Heart, My Achy, Breaky Heart" type shit. My buddy Jason is like "watch, he'll tame that mullet no less than five times." Sure enough, he tamed that beast and gave it the shake out no less than ten. So Jason and I got on the subject of whether or not people know they have a mullet. I say you have to know. There's no fucking way, with all the jokes and things like the internet, that you don't know you have a mullet. YOU KNOW! Jason actually thinks they don't know. My take on it is even if you go to a place like SuperCuts (wear hairstylists don't really have to know anything about cutting hair) to get your hair cut, you have to ask for it. Even if you didn't ask directly for the Mullet, once you say keep it long in the back and short in front, the stylist is going to say "oh, you mean a mullet." So you have to know. I think people just say "Fuck it! It worked for Billy Ray Cyrus. I'm going to rock it." So if anyone has an uncle or something that sports one, let me know. I'm curious now.

I read this in the USA TODAY. It basically goes over the top ten things that should be changed in sports.

http://www.usatoday.com/sports/ten-things-to-change-index.htm

Here's the 10 things I would change:

#10 - Outlaw NASCAR from television. Every time I turn on the TV and it's on, I think "Jesus Christ, there's got to be some other sport going on that's worth televising." Shit, I'd rather watch table tennis.

#9 - Rename ESPN to "The total World Series of Poker network." Come on guys, it's getting RE GOD DAMN DICULOUS! (STERN fans smile).

#8 - Make every athlete take steroids. I mean seriously pump them up with all kinds of shit. That way, everyone will stop bitching about unfair advantages and peoples statistics will sky rocket. Imagine watching golf with roid rage.

#7 - Make the WNBA play their games topless. Not that I really want to see those chicks topless, but I think it would be funny. Plus, I'm sure it would boost their ratings.

#6 - Random land mines in MLS soccer. It's not like anyone knows the players, so if they blew up, you wouldn't feel a sense of loss. Plus soccer skyrocket to the number one sport in the US. I could just hear the play-by-play now: Soccer Guy Nobody Knows is on the wing, he beats one defender, he's, he's (BOOM)...Oh my God ladies and gentleman, Soccer Guy Nobody Knows has just been blown to pieces. He stepped on a land mind right in front of the goal. It's a tough break for this club, but hey, shit happens."

#5 - Golf pins should be replaced by stripper poles. Not just any pole either, I want sturdy ones for pole tricks. Each pole should have a stripper. The game should also be cut down to nine holes. That way, Golf won't be so fucking boring, you don't have to go to strip clubs, and you can support the single mothers of America (just kidding). It's like killing two birds with one stone. Imagine golfing with Tiger Woods and going "Tiger, you want to tend the pole for me big guy. Oh, and why don't you throw Mercedes a couple a bucks while your at it pal."

#4 - Baseball should let a different fan play right field and bat every inning. That way, nine people can actually have fun while attending a baseball game. Imagine hearing over the loud speaker: "now playing right field, Gary Reynolds from Parma Heights. Gary is a 280 pound plumber with a bad back." Also imagine the look on Gary's face when he has to bat against Clemons. PRICELESS.

#3 - Create a law that states "if an athlete refers to him or herself in third person during an interview, they shall be banned from their sport. He or she will also be beaten to an inch of their life." How annoying is the phrase "_____ has to do what's best for ______." Just say "I" because it's not that hard.

#2 - Strap helmet cams to all players in the NBA and NFL. There is way too much shit going down not have it on tape. Imagine a cross between Cops, Reality Porn, Drugs, Physical Abuse, Guns, Knives, Death, Sex, Assault, Bad Grammar, Strippers, Money, Women, Bling from Jacob the Jeweler, DUI's....the list can go on for days. It's like having a little bit of every TV and Movie rolled into one. I could watch for days.

#1 - Force Venus and Serena to play in the division they belong in, MEN'S TENNIS. I've seen those dudes on TV, and there is some serious penis tuck going on. I can't be the only ones who notice. Those guys are way to physically dominant for the women tennis players. It's just not fair. CHECK FOR THE TUCK SO TENNIS CAN HOLD IT'S HEAD HIGH ONCE AGAIN!

Besides that, I would like to see a law that forces Terrell Owens to play all NFL games in a dress, mascara, and lipstick because if you are going to be a whiney little bitch, might as well be forced to look like one.


My Gay Governor, Alien Vs. Predator and my life, Michael Jackson, US Basketball, and that dirty little slut that is now my new favorite crazy chick, PARIS HILTON.

The Governor of New Jersey decided to come out and quit his job. Being from New Jersey, it was one of the funniest things I've seen in a long time. I was watching this thing that everyone was taking so serious on CNN and laughing. I kept asking Myron if he thought CNN knew that there was this little incident going on in Iraq. The only thing that would have made that press conference better is if they would have made McGreevey answer all questions with either "Fabulous or so over it." For example, what does your wife think about this whole thing. "She's SO OVER IT." That would have been great. I also would have loved it if he would have gone down on the microphone. He'd become my all time hero if he would have done that. Of all the things wrong with New Jersey, this is the big deal. So he likes dick, big fucking deal. New Jersey might be the worst place in the country. It's not only corrupt, but it's filled with annoying Guidos yelling "Maria, get in the fuckin car", needle infested beaches which you have to pay to get on, freeways that aren't FREE, you can't make a fucking left hand turn anywhere, and it is more expensive than any other state, second to only California.

Watching Alien vs. Predator this weekend only strengthened my belief that the original Predator should have one an academy award. It's amazing how some of the lines in there coincide with some of my views on life.

"You Are One Ugly Motha Fucka". - How I feel about Michael Jackson.

"If it bleeds, we can kill it" - How I feel about some of the women in my life. Just kidding girls. :)

"Bunch of slack-jawed faggots, around here! This stuff'll make you a Goddamn sexual Tyrannosaurs! Just like me." - This is just funny, especially coming from a guy who becomes the governor of Minnesota. I can't really say how it fits in my life but I'm adding it anyway.

"I ain't got time to bleed."- How I feel about my time management issues.

"There's something out there waiting for us, and it ain't no man. We're all gonna die." - How I feel about the world we live in.

See what I mean?

Did anyone see the VH1 movie about Michael Jackson? They had an actor playing him and he was just as scary. Anyway, if the shit in that movie is true, Michael Jackson is scarier than any boogieman. I've concluded that if I were a nine year old boy, I'd rather hang out with Freddy from Nightmare on Elm Street than Michael. I would roast smores with Jason from Friday the 13th before I went to Neverland Ranch.

Two more things I want to touch on then I'm done. I promise.

The US basketball team lost to Puerto Rico. Time to pack up the luggage boys. Anyway, I'm sure we just made the cover of Puerto Rico's history book. Not to mention that the section in the history book will take up about 90% of the book. Seriously, I congratulate them. They played an amazing game. I've ben watching all these reactions of people on TV. They almost seem upset that we can't beat everybody in basketball anymore. I've noticed that not one of these people mentions the fact that we aren't too bad at soccer anymore. Our mens team plays tough now a days and shit, our women's team won the world cup not too long ago. So everytime an American gets upset by the basketball thing, it's probably the same feeling that everyone else in the world feels when we win a soccer game. Think about it.

Paris Hilton stock is seriously rising with me. So what if she looks like a praying mantis. She seems as crazy as Mariah, Britney, and J-Ho. Apparently, there might be some fuck tapes of her and Nick Carter. How great would that be. She loves taping herself and letting it get out. She should just do real porn and get it over with. I wish I could be her manager. She's such a train wreck, the stories alone would be worth doing it for free.

OK, as I promised, I'm done.


PAINT BALL, ASHLEE SIMPSON, and CELEBRITY PORN TAPES

I played paint ball for the first time in my life yesterday. I AM A PAINT BALL MAGNET. I've got to be the only guy who can hide behind a tree, which is in front of a fox hole, that is behind a large rock, that is behind a wooden wall, and still get HIT. That's how bad I suck people. I'd last one minute in a real war. If I so much as peaked around a tree, I would get shot. My buddy Wally calls me and asks me to come play. I didn't want to because A)I've never done it before, and B)I don't have a good gun or gear. He's like "it doesn't matter, just buy some camo and you'll be fine." So I show up looking like a retarded GI JOE action figure and rent one of the standard guns. The guy who runs it is like "NEVER take off your mask, if you get hit in the face without your mask, you WILL lose your eye and have to be rushed to the hospital." I told Wally this didn't seem like such a good idea anymore. Renting a standard gun is like going into battle with a fucking musket, when everyone else has AK-47's. Nothing better then think four people are shooting at you and when you look, there's one guy firing a paint ball gun that shoots a shit load of balls a second. There could be two teammates right beside me and I'd get shot. I felt like calling a timeout and being like "hold on a fucking minute. Why is everybody shooting only me? You haven't shot him, or him, or that old dude with the one leg." The fucking things hurt too. Check out the picture below. It welted up so bad, it looks like I have a third nipple. I've got welts all over my shoulders, chest and legs. The good news is that I got shot in the protective mask a lot. Although it's scary to get hit in the face, it doesn't hurt at all. I'm glad I went though. It was a good experience. It gives you a good appreciation for what the people in "real war with real guns" go through. I told Wally that the next time I play, I'm getting a paint ball gun that is the equivalent to the helicopter gun that Jesse Ventura had in the movie Predator.

I just read this on CNN "Ashlee Simpson tops music charts: "Autobiography" topped the charts in its first week of release."

You know what I have to say about that? Here it goes: ........... ................. ................. ................. .....actually, I don't know what to say ................. ................. ....? ........... ................. ......?.......... Let me think, ummmm, OK, got it:

Now I know there is no God. It's all made up. How did Ashlee Simpson get to the top of the music charts? This makes me want to ban music and dancing like the dad in Footloose. I can't stand that girl. I was shooting for her album to come in #159 on the charts. That way, she would go away. No MTV show, no bitter younger sister talk, no music, NO ASHLEE. Jessica is probably vomiting in some restroom right now. I would buy an album by Homer Simpson before I even listened to hers.

I just saw the Gina Lee Nolin has a porno and it's horrible. This adds credibility to my statement that celebrities do not know how to make good homemade porno. MEMO to celebrities: Have a little pride in your performance. If you are going to film your sex and lose the tape, at least make it sexy. I mean, I guess it's my fault for watching. But how do you not watch a celebrity sex tape. Curiosity is a mother fucker. It's like not staring at a group of midgets when they walk by. I can't help but watch. Having said that:

TRY DAMN IT. That's all I'm asking. And don't be so annoying on tape. That goes for PAM, TOMMY, VINCE, PARIS, JENNA LEWIS (well, she's not really a celebrity but what the hell) and Gina. I made better homemade porno when I was in college (of course I'm not going to show this to my roommates, it's just for us ). It's not that hard. We could turn this into a seminar. It could go something like this:

The 1st Annual Celebrity Sex TAPE Conference "Make better porno, get more press."

Preliminary List of Events. This conference has something for ever celebrity. You will hear presentations by some of the leading amateur homemade porno making experts. Following are just a few of the many events that are scheduled.

Practical Discussion:
Will a sex movie hurt my career? What if I don't really have a career anymore? What if I wasn't supposed to be famous in the first place? Is telling your partner I love you 1000 times during the hour tape too much? Should I turn my cell phone off while filming. We'll tackle all the tough subjects to make your movie the best it can be.

Competition:
More and more celebrities are coming out with homemade porn. Is this a threat or an opportunity?

Tech Session:
How to know when you are filming with the NIGHT VISION on you stupid bastard and how weird it makes the movie look.

Economics:
How much can you make by releasing your porn movie without the public knowing you OK'd it.

Workshop:
In this section, we'll cover all the little things that make a good celebrity sex tape. I'll make it so the viewer doesn't want to watch your tape on mute and wish your male partner would strangle you during the performance.

Hands-on Session:
During this session, I get hands on with the female celebrity, EBOLA MONKEY MAN style.

I know people, I'm a loser.


YEAH, I'M STILL AROUND

I was looking at the Serenity Prayer picture the other day and I started trying to figure out why it always makes me feel so good. Being that I don't have a religious bone in my body, plus I don't believe in imaginary friends, it didn't make sense to me.

God grant me the serenity to accept things I cannot change, courage to change things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.

Even if you are not religious, you have to admit that is some powerful/calming shit. I realize what it is that I love about it. When you say it, you are asking someone you think is totally in control to give you attributes that can only come from within yourself. It's completely based on faith and that's a beautiful thing (if you have faith that it). For me, I have to look to myself for serenity, courage, and wisdom (technically, I could go to someone else for wisdom but it's not the same if you don't experience something that makes you wise for yourself) with no help. This can be a very difficult thing to do when you run into the attributes that hold things like courage and wisdom back. Things like selfishness, ego, pride, and fear (whether it's the cowardly kind or the "just scared to make a decision I'll really regret later" type). Someone called me shady the other day and I got defensive. Truth be told, I can't really blame that person for saying it. If I didn't know myself and what runs through my head, I'd think shady would be fitting. So I took a look at myself and came to the conclusion that what is making me appear shady is nothing more than my own selfishness. I think shady people don't care about hurting feelings. For those of you that really know me, it kills me to hurt the feelings of good people, friends, and loved ones. So why do I act the way I do? SELFISHNESS! I want to have my cake and eat it too. So now I not only have to look inside myself to find serenity, courage, and wisdom, I got to figure out how to beat my own selfishness. I could really use some faith and an all-mighty imaginary friend right now because it's going to be a pretty tall task.

Shit, I could really use some good company and Sake right now.



SCOTTY DOESN'T KNOW (Kristian Owen Lafave, we feel your pain)

Look what they are doing to my favorite teacher:

http://www.local10.com/news/3532032/detail.html

THOSE BASTARDS! I love this chick. What's great about the whole situation is that she has a husband, who is 26 and named Kristian Owen Lafave. I would love to hear about how he is doing. You know he's got a bottle of Jack and he's walking around all wobbly going "YOOOOOUUUUUU WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORE! DAMN YOU, DIE BITCH"

Kristian doesn't know!
Kristian doesn't know! So don't tell Kristian!
Kristian doesn't know! Don't tell Kristian!

Hell yeah.

They need to leave that teacher alone. I speak for all guys who never got a chance to have a hot teacher. My Mount Rushmore would be her, Mariah Carey, and Winona Ryder. Mount Crazy Sexy Bitch!


THE NEWS IS MY NEW FAVORITE PORN

"sister's accident made Debra LaFave go crazy"

For those of you who don't know about this, this is the hot teacher that was banging the 14 year old kid down in Florida. She was doing everything to the lucky little bastard. When you read the story about her little problem, it makes you want to be that 14 year old. He and his friend were driving around and she was banging him in the backseat (THESE KIDS KNOW HOW TO PARTY!). Then the one kid told on them. If I was the 14 year old on the receiving end, I'd killed that mother fucker. 20 years of schooling and not a hot teacher to be found! I didn't have a teacher that I wanted to hug, let alone fool around with. This kid not only gets a hot teacher at 14, he also got sexual favors from her. YOU LITTLE SON OF A BITCH. She takes Mariah Carey hot to the next NEXT level. Hot, crazy as a motha fucka, and she acts like a porn star. That's so rock N roll.


" KRISTIANSAND/OSLO (TV 2 Nettavisen): As Kristopher Schau and his band Cumshots were in the middle of their concert; a young couple entered the stage, stripped and had sex."

http://pub.tv2.no/nettavisen/english/article250240.ece p>

See what I mean.? WHAT IS GOING ON IN THE WORLD AND WHY AREN'T I AROUND WHEN THIS TYPE OF SHIT HAPPENS? The chick he brought up on stage was kind of cute. I never meet girls like that. I wonder how he got her to do it. "Ummm, sweet heart, I think it would be really cool if you let me bang you to save the forest. Whadda ya say doll?"

Does that work? Have I been missing the boat?

Here's my favorite quote of the article:

We did not know of this beforehand,» said Espen Thoresen, media contact of the Quart music festival, to TV 2 Nettavisen. If we had been informed, we would not have accepted it.

The name of the band that was playing was called Cumshot. I can't believe that the reporter didn't see this cumming (pun intended). If I ever start a band, I'm going to call it "We cum in reporters eyes and faces." That way, there will be no surprises.


MENSA ROCKS! VIVA LAS VEGAS!

You know you've hit rock bottom when you're driving through Vegas with two friends, blasting STEP BY STEP from the New Kids and singing at the top of your lungs. It's about as gangsta as we can get I guess.

Well, I'm back from Las Vegas. It was crazy. 6 days seems like an eternity there. It's amazing how when you get to Vegas, everything important goes to the back burner. Current events in the world go away. For example, I just found out that Marlon Brando died last Thursday. Today is Wednesday. We could be at war with Japan right now and I probably wouldn't know.

"you guys go ahead to the pool, I'm going to go sit in the room and listen to Loose Yourself over, and over, and over, and over again."

Let me get straight to the Mensa convention. The hospitality was amazing. The convention started on Wednesday and I wasn't speaking till Saturday. They hooked me up for passes for the whole thing so me and my friends could go in and drink, eat, and see any seminar we wanted to. I'm not in the hospitality suite more than 1 minute and this lady walks up to me and says "why are you here?" I'm like "I'm actually a speaking on the 419 scam." She goes "oh, you are the Ebola Monkey Man. Cool. I'm a recovering alcoholic." I then asked her how is that working out for her and she says while walking away "well, it gave me a sense of humor, which a lot of people here don't have. Good luck with your seminar." I was thinking GREAT, should I shit my pants now or wait to do it in front of the crowed. I barely prepared for this thing.

"if you screw this up, do it big"

I had a 20 slide power point presentation and a slide show of many of the Nigerians I've gotten to hold signs to the song "HERO" by Mariah Carey. So I decided to not do anymore. That I was going to get a nice buzz before I spoke, and talk my ass off. If people walked out, fuck em'. So the morning of Saturday, I'm in the room with my buddy Chad and I'm like "we've got an hour and a half, lets drink and watch some South Park." We watched the Towelie and You Got Served episodes. It was a nice break from the anxiety. So about 30 minutes before my 4PM start time, we go down to set-up. Right off the bat, we had audio/visual problems. There were about 150 people just starring at my drunk ass. I was literally drinking my drink and just starring back. Thank God they fixed it. So I start rambling about my site and I'm actually getting laughs. I'm like "they're laughing, this is good." With each laugh outburst, my nerves settled. Then all of a sudden, a voice goes "TESTING TESTING, GREAT THE MIC FINALLY WORKS." It was like God was speaking from heaven. Apparently the seminar next door to mine had been hearing mine because there was some audio malfunctions. My room could hear me, his room could hear me, my room could now hear him, but he couldn't talk into his microphone to his people. So I start talking to him through the wall. I'm like "where are you?" followed by "what are you wearing?" The crowed went crazy. Then I just completely relaxed. My friends and my family were sitting in the front row. I figured I'd be starring at them the whole time but I didn't look at them once. I didn't even notice the crowed after that. I talked for 1 hour and 40 minutes straight. The crowed grew as the presentation kept going. After reviewing the tape, only one person walked out. Through all the swearing, technical difficulties, me getting drunk in front of all those people, interruptions etc...everyone stayed. When I wrapped it up, I got a full minute of a standing ovation. IT WAS THE FUCKING BEST. I can only imagine how speakers and musicians must feel when the crowed absolutely loved the performance. After the applauding stopped, about 20 people came up to me with questions and comments. It was really important to me that the audience enjoyed it. Even if I acted like it didn't matter in front of my friends. My mother and grandmother were really touched by the whole thing and for the first time, my stepdad (who is actually a Mensan), looked impressed by something. They invited me to speak at the Mensa convention in Phoenix, AZ in December. I don't think I'll do it though. I don't feel like I could recreate this one. If I stop here, I can officially say that I've never given a bad speech when talking about 419. Shit, who knows, maybe I can. I guess I'll listen to any proposal. Regardless, check off "SPEAK AT A MENSA CONVENTION" off the things to do before I die list and add it to the legacy.

"Sean, your the worst posse member ever.....I know "

Sean arrives first on Thursday. He gets off the plane in flip flops and a back pack. I'm like, I hope you brought nice clothes because we are going to some nice places. NOT FLIP FLOP FRIENDLY! He's like I only have $50 on me too but I brough like 20 GoLean bars. I'm like, "thank god you haven't changed." 10 years as one of my best friends and he still is exactly the same as the day I met him. He needs his own reality show called "you've been Sean Mahoney'd." So the first night we go out, I tell him to save his money for food on the trip. I'd take care of the drinks that weren't going to be comped. WHO GOES TO VEGAS WITH FLIP FLOPS AND $50. Usually it's bums. Now it's Seans. To top off the night, he blows his $50 on black jack while I'm passed out in the room. He actually lost all ten hands in a row too. You have to have some serious bad luck to do that.


My surgery, sex with minors in VA, lady softball, and those bitch ass Lakers

I get surgery on my eye tomorrow. I hate doctors and I've never had surgery. I'm not happy. I'm such a pussy when it comes to shit like this. God forbid I ever need to get a real surgery. Something major. I totally would live with this cyst over my eyelid if it wasn't getting bigger. If I wait any longer, I'll look like fucking Quasi Motto or Sloth from Goonies (BABYRUTH!!!!).

I just saw this article and almost pissed my pants:

RICHMOND, Va. - The state is posting billboards with messages such as "Isn't she a little young?" as part of a campaign to dissuade men from having sex with underage girls. The campaign is aimed at reducing the number of young girls who have children with older men, the Virginia Department of Health said Monday. In 1999 and 2000 in Virginia, men over 18 were responsible for 219 births involving girls who were 13 and 14, the department said. Messages such as "Isn't she a little young?" and "Sex with a minor, don't go there" also appear on posters, coasters and napkins in bars, restaurants and stores in five cities. "We encourage adult men to talk to their peers and discourage them from pursuing teenagers. What they are doing is unhealthy and against the law," said Robert Franklin, a health department official.

GO VIRGINIA! How scary is that???? If you are male and you are over 18, you have no business having sex with any girl under 18. As a matter of fact, you are a big fucking loser. A retarded loser. Having said that, why do they think these idiots would understand the messages on those billboards? Don't get me wrong, I think those billboards are great. As a matter of fact, I just thought of another one:

Big picture of R. Kelly with big gold letters above him that say "World's Greatest Statutory Rapist." Underneath his feet will be this message: "You don't have his money and you can't make good music. Therefore, you can't buy your way out of it. Sex with a minor, DON'T GO THERE YOU SICK FUCK!"

Tell me that wouldn't be great. Anyway, back to my point. They won't understand the message. If they make a law and a billboard that states, sleep with a girl under 18, you get your dick cut off with a picture of a penis in a jar and Jason from Friday the 13th with machete, they'd get the message.

I'm watching women's softball on ESPN right now. If it wasn't for some of these girls names, I would think they were dudes. Like the pitcher for the USA team. She looks like HE should be boxing for a living. If they didn't flash Lisa Fernandez across the screen, I would have totally thought HE was a man. If I saw Lisa at a party, and HE was acting all crazy, I'd be like "I'm not fighting that dude, he's nuts."

Those bitch ass Lakers did it again! AND I LOVE IT...Nothing like having four Hall of Famers on your team and getting a good ole fashion ass whooping from a team of role players, except for Ben Wallace of course. If I ever become president, I'm going to make Ben Wallace my Vice President. He's big, tough, works hard, plays defense, and rebounds like a mother fucker. Plus, imagine the look on all the world leaders faces when Ben walks in behind me with his big blown out afro and his basketball outfit. Nobody is going to challenge me on any issue. We are talking full cooperation from the Middle East. Hell yeah!


Last days of the monkey and my official holiday

I've decided to retire from being the Ebola Monkey Man after Las Vegas. I'm finishing up my last scam and then no more. I'll leave the website up there and still post scams from the Monkey Pox, but I personally won't be doing anything. It's gotten too hard and the scammers are finally catching on to the phenomenon of getting them to hold stupid signs and take pictures. That takes the fun out of it. It's been a fun two years. A lot of people branched off to make their own site. There's like 40 of them now. We've killed the goose. It will be nice to not have to pay attention to the site. As much as I love it, it's like a second job. I just don't have the time anymore.

Here is the last scam:

www.ebolamonkeyman.com/cheung.htm

I'm going to take one last stab at getting a picture of the guy but I doubt it will happen. I think he's on to me. DAMN, I REALLY WANTED THAT PANDA BEAR!

Well, it's now official. July 3rd will be officially known as "call your boyfriend or husband Ebola Monkey Man while having sex day."

Blah blah blah and a bunch of other shit that will never happen.


I just got served by a horrible movie and I've also got a bad case of birds

I just watched "You Got Served." Ahhh, reminds me of the good old days when problems were solved by dance offs. I use to run with a crew called "The Goofy Ass Whiteys." We had an amazing routine and all the moves. We would go from the worm, to the robot, then the sprinkler, the lawnmower, make the pizza, into the chicken dance, right into the paperboy, down into a summersault, etc.....AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

WHY DID I JUST WASTE AN HOUR AND A HALF OF MY LIFE? Fucking stupid movie. I'm never getting that hour and a half back. That's the worst part. I love how at the end of this movie, Lil Kim says "we are going to settle this thing straight street, no rules." When did thugs start settlings things "straight street" by dancing? Maybe on Sesame Street they do that. On most streets, that means go get your guns. As bad as that movie was, I admit I liked watching the dancing. If they just would have cut all the scenes with dialogue out and made them dance for an hour in a half, it would have won an Oscar.

I've got birds living in my downstairs bathroom vent. There's a nest behind the fan and I can hear the baby birds constantly. They are so loud it's killing me. Everytime I go to the bathroom, it's like being in a bird atrium with all the chirping. I went outside and found out where this bird got into the house. Very impressive little bird. She would have had to lift a flap and climb in. I've got nothing against birds, but I don't like them living in my house without helping me with the mortgage. I called my buddy today and asked if he had any ideas on getting the out. He said hose them. I can't do that. That would make me a baby bird killer. I don't want to kill any birds, I just want the little babies to grow up, fly away, and never come back. I'm worried that this bird is going to think it's cool to come back next time. Or what if she tells other birds "hey, if you want a cool nest to lay eggs, go to this house."

PS - I'm working on a great scambait right now. I will post it soon. I don't want to ruin it by putting it up before it's done. Word has gotten around the scam world about my site.


Porn, Prince, and Former NBA ASSHOLES who have no business around guns

Jessica Dee Identified as Third HIV-Positive Performer

That's the third one (see diary about

subject 5 diaries down). How shitty is that? This whole HIV thing in porn is a little too much reality. This makes me glad that I never made that I had back in college of being a porn star a reality. Kind of like when you want to make a booty call, but you jerk off instead. Then you are sitting around going "thank God I didn't call her, because I'd have to talk to her right now." Ladies, I'm sure you've been there too. I just saw Ron Jeremy talking on Court TV about the situation. He was saying how it's safer to sleep with a porn star than someone off the street. Um, ok Ron, apparently not. The lady hosting the show didn't even say a word. I would have been like "Honkey please!" I can't stand anchor people who don't do anything but kiss ass to celebrities.

For example, I just watched Sway on MTV interview Prince. He just kissed his ass so bad that if Prince stopped walking, Sway would come out of his mouth. Instead of asking questions like:

1. What happened to you?
2. Why can't you make a good song anymore and why are you so bitter?
3. If I see you in concert, will you play only your old stuff?
4. Did you buy that blouse at BEBE?
5. Where's Morris Day and the Time?

I hate the ass kissing that goes on. He actually thanked Prince for being his favorite interview of all time. Blah.

I so would be kissing his ass if he was with me right now. He'd be bitch slapping me around, I know it.

I just saw that Jayson Williams was found not guilty of manslaughter. Damn shame. This asshole goes and kills that poor man and tries to cover it up, and he's not going to be found guilty of manslaughter. WE ARE GOING TO NEED A BIGGER BOAT. Not only should he be convicted of manslaughter, his balls should be chopped up and fed to Costas "Gus" Christofi's family dog.


Billy, what happened to you man?

This was on CNN.com today: Billy Joel crashes car into house

If you are a tree or a house, you are no longer safe with Billy Joel on the road. This is not a joke. I repeat! If you are a tree, or a house, you need to stay away from Billy Joel. He will find you, he will hit you with his car. If you are a religious person, please pray for the trees and homes that come across Mr. Joel's path. The guy is a fucking mess. If we sent him over to Iraq with a bottle of JD and car, this war would be over.

This is an Ebola Monkey Man public service announcement.


Those nutty porn stars are at it again.

How about all this HIV shit going on in the porn industry? I've been reading alot about how everybody is reacting. That would really blow if your job was a game of HIV Russian Roulette. Sign of the times. I was talking to my uncle the other day and he was talking about the 70's. He played some pro basketball in Italy for 4 years. He said he use to fuck everything that moved and had a vagina. He actually said that people walked around with penicillin like candy to cure VD. The difference was the VD back than didn't kill you. HIV/AIDS is like a sick joke by God. Anyway, the porn actress that tested positive gave an interview and it's hysterical. Although I feel really bad for this girl because no one deserves anything like this, especially at her age, she wasn't the brightest girl in the world. Here are my favorite quotes by her:

1. On finding out that she was hired to do a Double Anal scene.

“When I got there, me and Marc had a little conversation, because Thomas Hope told me I was going to do a d.p., and so I get there and Marc Anthony tells me it’s a d.a., which stands for double anal, “ Roxx recalled. “And I’m like, ‘What? I’ve never done a double anal.’ And he’s like, ‘Well, that’s what we need. It’s either that or nothing.’ And that’s how they do it. But Marc Anthony was playing that, and I think that really sucks, because I’m mad at the friend I thought I had in Marc, because he knew double anal was dangerous."

Oh it's a double anal. No big dea.....DID YOU JUST SAY DOUBLE ANAL?

So you knew it was dangerous. That's great. Why would she do a double anal? Is that even necessary. Is there a market for that. In all my life of watching porn or being around people who watch porn, I've never heard any of my friends say "you know what I want to see dude, two dudes in one girls ass at the same time bro. How great would that be!" If I were here, the minute I heard the words DOUBLE ANAL, I would have been out of there. Not worth the $1000 lady, let it slide.

2. On hearing that her co-star that gave her HIV was just working in Brazil.

“He told me that, but I didn’t take that as, oh, people in Brazil may be fuckin’ dirty or whatever,” Roxx explained. “I was like, ‘Oh, cool; how was Brazil? How was their festival over there? Was it fun?’ I didn’t ask him if Darren slept with a girl with HIV over there, you know.”

Even if she would have asked him, would he have said yes? I can just picture that.

Roxx: Did you have sex with an HIV positive girl in Brazil.

Darren: As a matter of fact, yes. I didn't think I was going to have time to do that between the beach and the festival, but I managed to make time to have sex with an HIV positive girl about hour before my flight left. So, how do you like your Double Anals, fast or slow?

JESUS CHRIST, what kind of question is that. Like the dude would have known if he was having sex with an HIV positive Brazilian girl anyway.


3. On asking her co-workers to see their tests.

“I wasn’t experienced enough to go up to people and ask them for their test, and the only person that showed me their test before we had a sexual relation was, unfortunately, Marc Anthony.”

I've had plenty of sex in my life and I've never asked to see an HIV test. Technically, that's the smart thing to do. If I worked in an industry where it was common to show tests, you better believe that I'm asking for it. Fuck, I'd probably have mine tattooed on my back. After the one guy voluntarily showed his, why wouldn't she ask the other guy. Not that it would have mattered because his probably said negative at the time, but damn.

4. On the porn industry as a whole.

“We should think about these issues right now, to change stuff around to make this a safer fuckin’ business. It isn’t a safe business, and I thought it was, and I would have not did that scene with no condom with Darren James if it would have crossed my mind that those tests weren’t good and that I couldn’t trust him or the people he’s been with. I thought porn people were the cleanest people in the world, is what I thought.”

I'm sorry, I don't think I heard you right. Did you just say you thought porn people were the cleanest people in the world? That's like saying "I heard Michael Jackson is a great babysitter." Porn is basically strangers having sex, mostly unprotected, with other strangers. That's the chance you take. If you catch HIV, I'd assume you'd have to kind of go "well, I took a shot, and it didn't work out." This is the type of shit that drives me crazy. You make your bed and you sleep in it. She sounds like she is starting to blame shift. When working in an industry that doesn't give a shit about your well being, you have two choices. GET OUT OF IT or live with the outcome.

Does anyone remember BAD IDEA JEANS? "I figure, hey, I'm never going back to Haiti, why wear a condom?" I can't wait til the interview with the guy who gave it to her comes out.


Places I would attack (and you thought Bush was bad)

I'm back from Pittsburgh. What a dump! The NRA show was good though. Very crowded. Shittsburgh is like a smelly armpit.

PS - I've officially added Pittsburgh, PA and Spain (due to the fact that they are basically surrendering to the Taliban) to the list of places I will attack if I'm ever elected president. So now it's Pittsburgh, Spain (which is a shame because I lived there twice and I liked it), Iraq, Afghanistan, the entire state of Washington. Being that Ron Jeremy has a better shot at becoming president than I do, I think those places are safe.



Those wacky MENSA people

It's official, I'll be speaking at the MENSA convention. They obviously aren't as smart as they claim to be. My stepfather is a Mensa member. Most of my life, he just stared at me with that "what the fuck is wrong with you" look on his face. Should be interesting to see how the rest of them look at me. They wanted me to write a description of what I will be talking about and a brief biography. So I had my good friend THE PROFANATOR write up a description:

Seminar on the usage of unparalleled wit and deft manipulation of the human psyche for the purpose of coercing Nigerian 419 Advance Fee Fraud scam artists into humiliating themselves over the public forum of the internet. The ultimate benefits of doing so: to receive stupid pictures of said scammer, waste their scamming time and, hopefully, annoy the very bones from them.

Not bad. Now I just need a biography. I'm thinking of saying something like "The Ebola Monkey Man studied THE WAY OF THE FIST in Hong Kong for most of his life. In 1983, he fled to America after killing a man in the finals of the Kumite. Not having any formal college education, he enrolled in Harvard University. After graduating with honors, the Ebola Monkey Man joined the cast of Kids Incorporated. Disillusioned by Hollywood fame, he decided to join a group of freedom fighting rebels in a small South American country. After helping the rebels dethrone the evil dictator, he returned to the states to help in the development of stem cell research. Oh, my bad. Never mind. That's not the Ebola Monkey Man's story. He just runs a website that deals with Nigerian Scam Artists."

Hopefully they will have a sense of humor.


Back from Atlanta, GA

Atlanta is cool but it's just too Southern for me. I was driving around all day visiting gun stores and some of them were in the middle of nowhere. I'm talking small deliverance type towns with one sheriff. Seriously, there are some scary areas. Especially when you are completely lost because LostQuest.com, errrr, MapQuest.com gives you shitty directions. Nothing better when you go into a shop and the guy working behind the counter actually says "you ain't from around here, are you?" I figured you would all be watching my story after it was made into a movie. I can just hear the intro right now:

"The film which you are about to see is an account of the tragedy which befell a lost Yankee, in particular the Ebola Monkey Man. It is all the more tragic in that he was young. But, had he lived a very, very long life, he could not have expected nor would have wished to see as much of the mad and macabre as he were to see that day in that little shitty town. For him an idyllic summer afternoon drive became a nightmare. The events of that day were to lead to the discovery of one of the most bizarre crimes in the annals of American history, The Georgia Chainsaw Massacre"


Another reason not to wake up in the morning.

I just saw this on CNN.com:

TYLER, Texas (AP) -- A woman who claimed God ordered her to bash in the heads of her sons was acquitted Saturday of all charges after a jury determined she was legally insane during the killings.

They should rip this woman from limb to limb. I love how people do shit in the name of God. If there really was a God, I bet he or she would be so fucking pissed. Like I could picture God being like "YOU MOTHERFUCKER, LEAVE ME OUT OF IT." Religion just scares the shit out of me. Seriously, being around holy rollers are scarier to me than being a white boy in a crip neighborhood wearing all red. You never know when one of them is going to go off in "the name of God." The problem with religion is that it's based on beliefs. When people believe shit, it can get really scary. They took a great concept with religion and jumped the shark.


More white trash neighbor drama.

I just bet my neighbor, the only one I like, a $100 that my white trash across-the-street neighbors won't get married. They have an May 16th date set. They (Mike and Angie) are both 26 years old and they live in the basement of the Mike's parents house. That's something I can't understand. When I was 17, I knew it was time to leave the nest. I'd love to be a fly on the wall in that house so I could hear the thought process.

Parents - "Son, you are 26. Don't you think it's time for you and your fiancé to move out of the house?"

Mike - "Na, I'm good. I think I'll just stay. Oh, and move please, you are blocking NASCAR."

Is it still child abuse if your kid is 26? I mean, do the same laws apply? I'd beat him until he became a man if I was his dad. You should see this guy. I've tried to be cool with him. I can't do it. I can't even fake it. He looks like he'd be the white guy in the G-Unit (if there is one. Oh yeah, I guess that would be Eminem). It's really embarrassing. He wears all those Sean John and Rocawear outfits and he thinks he lives in the Fast And The Furious movie with his tricked out car. Spend all that money on a car when he should be putting towards a down payment on an apartment. We live in the middle of the country. For those of you that know me, you've all heard about the "Reality TV Show" I want to make where we drop white kids who want to be black off in REAL black neighborhoods and see what happens when shit gets "REAL." He'd be in my first episode.

Anyway, he and his slut think they are going to get married. That girl leaves snail trails when she walks. She's one of those girls that is fucking everybody and telling people, and the only one it isn't obvious to is Mike. They aren't exactly what you would call "Marriage Material." I really hate white trash. When I say white trash, I don't mean Kid Rock type white trash. The Rock is cool. I mean white trash trash. Real "how the hell did you get out of the trailer park" trash. Tanya asked me if I wanted to go to the wedding and I told her I'd rather sleep on a bed of giant dicks for the rest of my life. If I could, I'd make a billboard with their picture on it with a tag line underneath it saying "this is why abortion needs to stay legal." I think of all the poor people that die everyday and don't deserve it. It's very sad to me. I'm constantly asking "why couldn't it have been Angie and Mike?" There is no God.


Catholics do it again

Update - I just saw this on CNN.com "Roman Catholic bishop Thomas O'Brien sentenced to four years' probation in fatal hit-and-run accident in Phoenix, Arizona. Details soon."

You know all the Catholic priests are hi-fiving eachother going "WE ARE SO BULLET PROOF, now lets go fuck some choir boys. Priests NIGHT OUT!"

I'm thinking about switching from Atheist to Catholic. They seem to be able to get away with murder.


Holy shit! A good zombie movie.

I finally got to see Dawn of the Dead and I loved it. I'm a huge fan of the original. I'm a huge fan of any zombie movie in fact. I actually think I enjoyed this one a little more. It was a remake but a lot was changed. The new one was a little more intense. Right from the beginning, shit goes wrong. In the original, they kind of new what was going on. Plus in this one, the zombies haul ass. I mean they are 100 times faster than the zombies from the dead trilogy. I actually watched the Night of the Living Dead remake and Day of the Dead the following day and the zombies seemed like a joke. Being able to run through 20 of them seemed fake. It didn't until I saw the latest DOTD. The only thing I liked better about the original was the characters. In the new one, you really don't feel for them because they weren't developed properly. Anyway, the movie was too short. It should have been 2 hours long. It felt good to see a good zombie movie, especially since that piece of shit "28 Days Later." Hopefully they will make more.


Marriage

One of my best friends in this crazy world has decided to get married. For real. I jumped on the grenade for all my friends years back and this is how he repays me. I married the grenade years back and this is how he repays me. I love it when my friends say things like "you don't understand, we are different." Marriage is a piece of paper. That's it. I tried to tell him that he should just act like he's married, tell people he's married, go places with her like they are married, maybe even have a kid, but DON'T GET MARRIED.

One good thing about getting married is you get a marriage certificate. Which you can use as a blanket when you are homeless. Most homeless people have to use newspaper, but not you, you have a marriage certificate. You can also use it as a throw for the couch you usually end up sleeping on while being married. While your friends are out having fun at the strip club, the same one your wife use to go with you to BEFORE you got married, you get to sit at home and look at your certificate. If your lucky, your marriage certificate will remind you of all the great porn you had to throw out after you signed the thing. Because once it was official, your new bride doesn't have to be the fun girl she use to be. Remember to thank your other friends wife, for convincing your new bride that porn is really not appropriate in your new marriage, and that it needs to go. You also should thank your friend for not being completely honest (MISERY LOVES COMPANY) with you about married life, or you wouldn't have that great marriage certificate. What a great little piece of paper that is. By year three, you, your wife, and your marriage certificate will be having a ball. So what that you don't remember what way vaginas go (horizontal or vertical) because sex stopped after year one. Who cares, you still have the marriage certificate. And when your friends say come on over and play some cards with us, and you stall out because you know she'll get mad, you just look at that certificate and thank god. That certificate might even give you the courage to go ask for your balls back. You'd go get them yourself but your wife locked them up in her purse, and you wouldn't dare touch her things without asking. When your friends laugh at you, you show them that marriage certificate. You say "look at this here man! This keeps me warm at night. This is a binding contract MAN! I don't need to have fun anymore. I like fighting with my wife and I love it when she gets so upset, she calls her dad. YEAH!"

To my friend, I say this: You will always have a couch to sleep on at my place. Just make sure you bring your marriage certificate because I don't have any extra blankets.


Weapons of Mass Destruction

We've run out of good leaders in this country.

Opps, looks like there are no Weapons of Mass Destruction. Liberals are going to have a field day about this. Sorry folks.
People need to realize that Saddam was a fucking weapon of mass destruction. I have family, not blood related, that grew up in Iraq and the stories they tell me about that guy amaze me. He's better off dead people. Hate to say it but Bush did a smart thing. Could of had a better post-war plan though. Oh well.

Funny thing is that Saddam jumped the shark like Fonzi from Happy Days. If he would have co-operated fully in the first place, he'd still be in charge, going about his killing and raping of the Iraqi people. Thank God his ego got in the way of his better judgment. I hope they are feeding Saddam his balls right now. See people, having an idiot/former coke head/horrible speaking/ not really likable president ain't that bad.


Airline conspiracy.

I flew US Scare....Errrr....Airways out to PA. Every time I fly that airline, I swear I'm going to die. The plane always hits super amounts of turbulence and they like to make sharp turns so you feel like it's literally going to flip over. What made it worse is that a Tal-Leeee-Ban sat next to me. Every time I fly, the guy who looks like he's going to hijack the plane sits right next to me. The whole plane could be empty and they stick the guy who's sweating like a mother fucker in 10 degree weather and who's name is Mohamed right next to me. I feel like I'm the only one who notices too. This all goes back to my theory that the airlines all got together and plotted on ways to terrorize me. I think they laugh about it. I have to be the record holder for lost luggage. It's like "shhhhhh, Mike is coming. He's going to Atlanta. Lets send his bags to Germany. Ha ha."

Well, I'm off to watch Bill O'Reilly. I fucking love this guy. I could really use some Jesus Juice right now. :)


Real World

I'm watching the new Real World. I would last one minute on that show. I think my roommates would kill me. The Asian chick, the black guy, the Goth chick, the Guido, and the overly dramatic blond chick (when they cut to her talking, it's funnier than the anti-marijuana commercials) would definitely lynch me after day one. I think the dude from Boston and the stupid chick from Tampa might tolerate me. With this cast of characters, I'd be the Puck. The problem with these people is they over analyze everything and I don't look to deep into shit. I don't even know what the Asian chick's problem is. She wants so bad to be the victimized minority its disgusting. When the stupid chick from Tampa offended the black guy, the Asian chick was like "people don't understand us as minorities and it is really hard. I can't change my hair or my face." I haven't seen one person treat her any different than anyone else. If I was the black dude, I'd be like "can you shut the fuck up for a second, GET OVER THERE WITH THEM." If you are in a situation and you feel like an outsider, do something about it. I can't stand people who need to be hand held through everything.

They should call this show "A House Full of Drama Queens."

I wish everything could be settled with a dance off. Kind of like when Britney and Justin squared off in that hip LA club. How cool would that be? If you have a problem with someone, you just go "Dance off, you and me! Street rules, no electric slide." Just throw down the challenge. Oh well, I guy can dream. Imagine George Bush and Sadaam in a dance off of the ages.

Here's my message to the new real world people:

Guido - You keep talking about pulling out your dick. DO IT and STICK IT IN EVERY ONE OF YOUR ROOMMATES. It will make the show real interesting.

Goth Chick - What the fuck is wrong with you? Shake yourself.

Stupid Chick from Tampa who doesn't think before she talks - Are you that fucking stupid? You can't be. Can you?

Black Dude - You are in for a real long year if you are that sensitive. Grow a set, and have some fun. Get this man some floaties.

Asian Chick - Shut the fuck up! And do it with a smile. Most people are so ignorant, they don't even consider Asians a minority. Sad but true.

Hot Blonde Chick from South Carolina - Too easy. I'm not saying anything.

Security Guy from Boston - You are cool so far. Don't screw up.


Silly Rappers and Britney!

Ahh, Jay-Z. Silly man. I love rappers who retire on their own terms. I love them because there is no way they are going to retire. There is no such thing as retiring from rap on your own terms! You either die (2pac & BIG) or everyone starts hating you (Hammer & Vanilla Ice). These guys act like the money keeps coming in after you quit. Like Too Short, Jay-Z will take a couple of years off and be back. Once he realizes that doing nothing doesn't provide the money you need to drink Cristal, roll on dubs, and get hoes. Word! Trust me, I know all about Cristal, dubs, and hoes. I watch plenty of MTV which kind of makes me an expert. Right.

Anyway. Does anyone ever notice that when rappers get interviewed, they talk in 3rd person? What the fuck is up with that? I just saw a clip of Jay-Z and he was going "what Jay-Z needed to do to grow as a business man." Now if I was the VJ, I would have said "Your Jay-Z dude, you are right here. Just say I." They get these pussy VJ's that kiss major ass. If these celebrities would stop walking, the MTV's VJ would go so far up that ass it he's come out of the mouth. Ask cool questions. Like what is it like banging Beyonce and does she invite other chicks in the bed? Nobody cares about the Jay-Z clothing line . Damn. Am I crazy or on to something? I would have also asked him "who came up with the idea to say you are retiring to sell more records?" He probably would have thought he was on Punk'd and walked off the set.

WARNING! I'M ABOUT TO ACT LIKE A LITTLE BITCH AND EMBARRASS MYSELF. IF YOU HAVE A WEAK STOMACH, STOP READING NOW.

Speaking of MTV, Britney's new video is coming up. I can't wait to see what slutty things she does in it. I love it. She's been acting crazy lately. Good crazy, like Mariah Carey taking off her clothes and rambling on TRL crazy. That's so sexy. I love that she was married for a couple of hours. Imagine being Mr. Britney Spears for 4 hours. Getting asked a million questions every day for the rest of your life. I only hope he got that and talks about it when he needs money.

If anyone knows Britney, tell her I got some E and I'm ready to help her self destruct..... Hold on a second, Britney looks like Kelly Osborne with red hair. Really bad idea. Outfit covering her private parts with fake diamonds. Great idea. Oh, look who it is, Mr. Tyson Beckferd. It's good to see you working again Tyson.


Anit-weed comercials.

They need to make a DVD full of the anti-weed comercials. They are hysterical. I just saw the one where the guy forgets to pick up his little brother from baseball and they say "just tell him you were high." I wish the comercials showed the drug user saying that, holding a bag of Doritos and pouring Fun Dip down his throat. "Dude, I got so stoned and forgot to pick you up bro. I'm sorry. Ha haa haaa. You waited how long?" My all time favorite one is where the dudes are going through the drive through and run over the little girl. Like that would ever happen.

Weed does not make you fuck up that bad. It makes you tired, stupid, and hungry. If you are going to make stupid comercials, at least make them real!

Like show some dude in his tighty whities, running down the street from the cops with a big pink bunny in his hand, and have the voice over say "Just tell your little brother that you forgot to pick him up because you were speed balling, running from the cops, and acting like a pigeon." That image would make me not want to speed ball.


Shitty papers and neighbors.

OK, I guy can dream. Anyway, I'm actually shocked they passed the law. Ohio showed that it has a set of balls. I remember when I lived in Arizona and guys use to walk around with guns by their hips. Like the fucking wild west, it was great. I just read that the fucking Plain Dealer is planning to publish the names of anyone who applies for the permit. BOO THIS FUCKING PAPER. Actually, it wouldn't be that bad to be on that list. I know if I was shady, I'd be checking it just to avoid the guy.

Speaking of guys with guns, my white trash neighbor comes up to me and says she wants to buy a gun for her fiancé. They actually live across the street from me. They actually live in his parents house. They are actually my age. Not that there is anything wrong with that, but living in your parents house at age 28 with your girlfriend is a little strange. I'm not judging... OH FUCK IT, I'm going to judge. That's just plain white trash. I don't mean cool Kid Rock type white trash, more like Jerry Springer WT. Anyways, I could get her a gun if I really wanted to but there's no way. I told her with the biggest smile on my face, we only sell to distributors. Plus her boyfriend Mike has no business owning a gun. He's the type that would pull it out during a heated white trash argument and kill someone, if he didn't go all Cheader Bob and shoot himself first. I'd trust 50 Cent with a gun before this idiot. Plus I hate this fucking girl with a passion. She's just a troublemaker. She creates all these problems around my neighborhood and unlike some people around me, I do not tolerate trash. I wish she would just move to Maine and die of syphilis or something. I completely ignore her, LITERALLY. When she waves, I pretend I don't see her. When she's with Mike, I say what's up to him and act like she's not standing there. Anyways, it was the highlight of my day to tell her I couldn't help her. My neighbors all suck big floppy penis. I wish I could call in an air strike and Napalm the shit out of it.


Malvo and abcnews.com

Can I just say that X-mas blows. I can't stand the holidays. It makes me crazy. I don't even want to wake up in the morning. Want to see something else that blows?

Here it is:

A Virginia jury Tuesday decided Lee Boyd Malvo should be sentenced to life in prison without parole for his role in the Washington, D.C.-area sniper killings.

I can't believe they are not going to kill this sick mother fucker. They put pit bulls that bite down but not humans that shoot people down in the street for no fucking reason. This is exactly the type of shit that makes me not want to bring a child into this world. I wouldn't know how to explain this to my son or daughter. Life in prison doesn't seem fair. He needs to die a horrible death. Unbelievable.

Another funny thing happened yesterday. I did an interview with a guy from www.abcnews.com about my website. That officially shows that the world has gone crazy and that might explain why they are not killing Malvo.


KABC and Hate Mail

Last night was a first for the Ebola Monkey. I did a radio interview with KABC out of Los Angeles. They had me on the phone for an hour. It was kind of cool because they were taking calls from people who were calling in while checking out the site. http://www.mrkabc.com/ is cool as hell. I actually didn't realize how big that radio show is until yesterday. Tomorrow I'm doing a telephone interview with a reporter from the Oshawa/Whitby The Week newspaper. Canadians love me. (IMAGE) That's a shit load of media coverage in a week. Too bad I can't make any real money. Yesterday on the air, a caller asked me if I'd ever considering writing for a sitcom. I was like "if anyone wants to hire me, get at me." I figure this site is going to either get me killed or lead to something big in the end. Probably get me killed but oh well, I guy can dream.

I got some interesting hate mail today:

You suck penis. Go fuck a duck you shit head.(I will sue your poor ass if you post this on your webpage)

Regards

Mr. Fukanape

I actually got embarrassed for the person who wrote this. I have no problem with the first part (go fuck a duck is pretty lame though). It's the "I will sue" part that did it. What a pussy. "I will sue." Way to be a man. That's what real men do. Run their mouths than threaten to sue like a bitch. He probably wanted it posted so I'm not going to do it just to spite the dick. I would run and hide under a rock if that's how I threw insults at people. I would have rather read "your mama is so" caps or something. Oh well.


Saddam

I can't believe the group of military men who found Saddam didn't shoot his ass on site. If I were there, it would have gone something like this:

"GUN SHOT to Saddam's head."

ME - "Oh, my bad, I thought he made a move for his gun."
LIEUTENANT - "But his hands were up and his back was turned"
ME - "Is anybody gonna miss him?"

I don't know. I have a feeling people are going to actually protect this asshole know. I already heard the statement from the Vatican. I know I've said this before but "aren't you the guys who have the priests who fuck little boys? That's what I thought. I'm sorry, you have no credibility. Baaaa bye."


Holidays, Jessica Simpson, "Black Can't Buy Me Love"

I hate the holidays. I can't stand traffic. Everyone is out today. Ridiculous. I went the bank to open up an operating account for my business. Even stupid stores like Discount Drug Mart are packed with people. Doesn't anyone work anymore?????

I have a basketball tournament tonight and I just ate Taco Bell. Consider me finished.

RICHARD CHEESE MOMENT

If you thought I couldn't get any worse when I said I actually liked the new Britney Spears album, check this out. I LIKE THE NEW JESSICA SIMPSON SONG AND VIDEO WITH YOU. She actually poked fun at herself in the video by eating buffalo wings and chicken of the sea. She earned points. I will now leave her alone. From now on, only compliments for Jessica.

Jessica is beautiful and funny. She's not only a great performer, but also an amazing singer and song writer. She's what I like to call an Artist. She's .... Um.... She's.....

GOD I WANT TO FUCK HER.

***I did go out and buy the new Korn album so that should kind of balance out the Britney thing. Maybe.

I just saw a commercial for the black version of "Can't Buy Me Love." I guess the original wasn't good enough so they had to Ghettoize it. The original was the best. How can they top these classic lines from a film containing actors that were all snubbed for the academy award that year (especially Mr. Rico Suave himself):

"It's the African Ant-Eater Ritual!!!!"

"you broke your arm and he carried you home. Yeah, and you cried the whole way."


Random Shit

One of my favorite thing about strippers is how they all have a plan. Not one of those girls said "I'm just a dancer." Every one of them volunteered information not asked of them. "I'm going to be a nurse's assistant." "I'm only going to do this for a year." I love that. I'm so not the guy to say that to because I'm like "why would you be a nurses assistant, you can make better money doing this. Are you stupid?" If I was a hot chick I'd dance till I found some rich dude. I'd dance my ass off. Sorry, I would. Then I'd marry rich. I'd go all Anna Nicole. I know I would. I'd marry some old dude who let me do whatever I want. "Nurse's Assistant." You'd have to be out of your God damn mind.

I like the new Britney Spears album and it kind of makes me sick. I know I am totally setting myself up to get made fun of but it's true. After I listened to it I felt like I should go beat someone up to try to get some sort of feeling like a "man" back into my system. I still pray to God that she ends up in Bukakke films with more bones in her mouth than a Bullmastif when it is all said and done.

I'm listening to Slow Jamz by Twista Featuring Kanye West & Jamie Fox. The chorus goes "she said she wants some Ready For the World, some New Edition, Minnie Rippleton, to set this party off right." Totally made me smile because Ready For the World and New Edition were two of my favorite groups growing up as a kid. Wish I could go back to the times when I listened to those tapes religiously.


MTV.com headlines:

New Allegations Spark Search Of Jackson's Neverland Ranch

No way. You mean to tell me that Michael Jackson may have touched another child! WAKE UP PEOPLE! His house shouldn't have to be raided now because he should have been in prison after the first time. First off, if you think Michael doesn't molest children, you should be shot for being stupid. At least be spayed so you can't breed. This mother fucker told the whole world that he loves sleeping in the same bed with children, cuddling, then takes them up in the fucking hot air balloon, and gets away with it. Amazing. We are going to need a bigger boat. Him and those damn Catholic Priests. They are like bullet proof. I don't understand it.

The Source Digs Up Tape Of Eminem Using Racial Slurs

I just read an article about how The Source found some tapes of Eminem making racial slurs or some shit like that. He must be shitting himself because I know how important it is for him to win over the black community and prove he's the real deal. I could just picture him pacing back and forth and thinking "Oh no, what if they send me back like Vanilla Ice." Apparently he said some stupid shit about a girl who broke up with him and she was black. If you ask me, I think calling Eminem a racist is like calling that chick Justin Timberlake pretty. Wait a minute, she is kind of cute. Anyway. I guess this Benzino character had this to say:

"Don't make this right now a double standard," Benzino said at the press conference. "We gotta treat this the same way you treat Mike Tyson, like you treat Kobe Bryant, like you treat R. Kelly, like you treat O.J. Simpson."

Um, Bozo, errrr I mean Benzino. Mike Tyson is a convicted rapist and OJ Simpson commited double murder. Last time I checked, both of them are still roaming the streets. Somebody please kill Benzino. Please God, if you exist, hit him with a lightening bolt.

Eminem is not a racist. He might not be the smartest mother fucker on the planet but don't call him a racist and don't compare him to a rapist and a killer.


Club Kids and Tupac

I was watching MTV last night. They did a True Life on Club kids. One of the clubs they featured was the Sound Factory. It brought back some many memories. It seemed like nothing changed. Jonathan Peters was still the DJ, and Paris was still the door girl. Same type of crowd too. There was one chick (PIGEON) who was doing K off the floor. There were nights when I use to go to that place at 1:00 AM and not leave till 12:00 PM. You'd walk out of the club and the sun would hit your eyes. It was the first time I could relate to how a vampire feels when sunlight hits him. I was watching this show and feeling embarrassed for these people and then I realized that I probably looked and behaved the same way. I'm lucky it didn't kill me.

Tupac Resurrection comes out today. I really hope that movie does well. A lot of people don't like Tupac and I can understand that. There was a time in my life when I couldn't stand that guy. I always liked his songs but never really listened to his music. It wasn't until I was a freshman in college and my buddy Mike made me listen to what he was saying. He loved Tupac and couldn't understand why I didn't relate. He played me a song called "Papaz Song" and it blew me away. It started out:

Had to play catch by myself, what a sorry sight
A pitiful plight, so I pray for a starry night
Please send me a pops before puberty
the things I wouldn't do to see a piece of family unity
Moms always work, I barely see her
I'm startin to get worried without a pops I'll grow to be her
It's a wonder they don't understand kids today
so when I pray, I pray I'll never grow to be that way
And I hope that he answers me
I heard God don't like ugly well take a look at my family

My mouth dropped. I'd never been able to vocalize how I felt about growing up an only child and he did it in 10 lines. That's powerful shit. The first fucking line is amazing. HAD TO PLAY CATCH BY MYSELF, WHAT A SORRY SIGHT. Think about something: Is there any other rapper that could pull off the song "Dear Mama?" Hell no. There isn't a single person that I know who was raised by their mom that doesn't get teary eyed when they hear that. What was so great about Tupac was that you could see he was trying to be a better person even though he slipped up a lot. That human element is what made you relate. It's like "I'm trying hard but it's going to take a little while and I'm going to mess up along the way." I love that. I also love the fact that he could make you go through a bunch a different emotions from song to song. You could feel sad, happy, want to break someone's jaw, and then pick them up off the floor to help them. I don't believe in God, heaven, hell, or any of that other bull shit but I think if there were actual angels, he'd be a perfect candidate for one of them.


Quit my job.

Today is a great day for me. I resigned from my job. I went over to my bosses house and told him face to face. I wasn't sure how it was going to go. He took it suprisingly well and said that he understood. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I was the first employee of this company and it's been a long 3 and half years. I feel good about looking him in the eye and doing it instead of sending out a memo or letter. As much as I can't stand what has happened to this business and the way things are handled here, I will always respect the fact that they took a chance on me. I told him I want my last day to be the 14th. It will be good to close this chapter of my life.


"WHEN BAD TATTOOS HAPPEN TO STUPID PEOPLE."

Kobe says it's in honor of his wife. If she didn't leave him for anally rapping a naive girl, she should definitely leave him for dedicating a really shitty tattoo. It's fucking horrible. If I was a reporter, I'd be like "hey Kobe, who did your tat, Stevie Wonder?" Kobe could totally redeem himself in my eyes if he'd just go shoot the tattoo artist that did that and then turn the gun on himself.


Upset heard all around the office.

I have really bad news. Last night, Seth, defeated me in Trivia Pursuit. I don't know what happened. Myself and the people in my camp are still in shock. It was a good match. It had everything I expected it to have: drama, suspense, weed, alcohol, and most of all, controversy. I jumped out to a quick two pie lead and then he came back with four uncontested pies. Where the controversy came in was when it was tied at 2 pies a piece. He landed on a history question and the answer was Gerald Ford. He blurted out Henry Ford and instead of being a hard ass because I knew what he meant to say, I let it go. Then he proceeded to roll a 6 and land on a pie square. Naturally, he gets the question right and now I'm down 3 to 2. I made it a game though. The final score was 6 to 4. I took pictures which I will post later. As a true American, I feel I have to take this loss like, um, well, a true American. That is why I will play the controversial pie card, accuse Seth of being on steroids, blame the loss on everyone but myself, and demand a rematch. I believe there is a rematch clause in our agreement. Until then, I have to listen to his ass tell everyone he beat me.

HE CAN NOT BEAT ME IN A BEST OF 3 SERIES. If he does, I don't think he can beat me in 7. or in 9. definitely not in 11.


What happened?

I just saw the preview for the new Eddie Murphy movie. It makes me sad to think this guy was once a brilliant comedian. I'd love to ask him "what happened?" It's crazy to think he was once "Eddie Murphy."

I also saw the comercial for the new Tupac movie. It gives me chills the way it starts off. Having the beat to MY BLOCK and him saying "I got shot. I always felt like I would be shot, I just didn't know it would happen at that particular moment" was brilliant. I can't wait to see it. I wish they'd teach kids about Tupac in history books. He was amazing. I love it when he says "This is my story. I was there for the whole thing. No one else what there for the whole thing."

Just when you think they ran out of ideas for songs along comes this beauty. Cracks me up. If I was hanging out with Ginuwine and he said he was going to make a song about getting in a girls jeans (literally), I would have said "bad idea." It works though, I'll give him that.


Lawsuit filed against Sony, Wal-Mart over game linked to shootings

KNOXVILLE, Tennessee (AP) -- A $246 million lawsuit was filed against the designer, marketer and a retailer of the video game series "Grand Theft Auto" by the families of two people shot by teenagers apparently inspired by the game.

http://www.cnn.com/2003/LAW/10/22/videogame.lawsuit.ap/index.html

I can't believe people would sue the video game company. This shit makes me crazy. I also can't believe these two knuckleheads played this video game and went out shooting. I could only imagine how that went down.

William - "Hey Joshua, NASCAR is over and I'm bored. Why don't we go get Uncle Cletus's guns out of the rack and shoot at cars like in that there video game we like much so."
Joshua - "Naaa, I think mom will get mad for using daddy Cletus's gun."
William - "Our mom is also our sister and cousin so I'm sure we can talk her down."

People, if I've said it once I've said it a 1000 times.

"Please don't worry about your pet, have your white trash spayed or neutered!"

Because of these two idiots and the money hungry lawyer of the victim, the makers of Grand Theft Auto have to go through a bull shit lawsuit. They should line up the two white trash kids who did the crime the lawyer who is representing the victim's families and shoot all three of them.

Blah!


CNN had some funny headlines today.

Sniper suspect John Allen Muhammad denied any involvement in the shootings in his opening statements today, after the judge granted a motion allowing him to represent himself. "I had nothing to do with the crime," he told the jury in a statement referring to himself and Lee Boyd Malvo, who will stand trial next month on charges of being involved in the shooting spree.

I can't believe we waste time with this guy. He had nothing to do with the crime. OK dude. If you didn't, why did the shootings stop after you got busted? I wish a jury member would ask him that.

Doctors feed Blaine after stunt

Not to sound like bitter guy, but am I the only person who wanted David Blaine to die in that box for doing something stupid? I don't know. Seems like a big waste of time. 44 days of sitting in a box. 44 days working at a homeless shelter. Ahh, fuck that, I want to starve myself in a box.

Student charged in airline box cutter scare

That Harry Potter looking kid snuck some box cutters on a plane. OK, I understand what he did was wrong and it is a stupid way of trying to prove a point but I think the bigger issue is being missed. Instead of punishing this kid, why don't they go after the security guys who let him get it through? Obviously if they were doing their jobs he would have never made it to the fucking plane. Typical US reaction. Blame the guy who showed us there is a problem instead of the guy who's job it is to stop it.


Texas Chainsaw Massacre

Finally I see a good movie. My movie picking skills have been horrible lately. I smoked two joints in the parking lot which probably helped but I still think it was a really good movie. I actually liked this one better than the original and I loved the original. Better yet, I saw a preview for a remake of "Dawn of the Dead" which is one of my favorite movies. I love that fucking movie. Now that is how zombie movies should be made. If they want to remake classic horror films, I'm all for it. Throw "Day of the Dead", "Children of the Corn", and "The Fog" in there too.


Bad zombie movies.

On Saturday I went to see HOUSE OF THE DEAD. I was so high, I laughed through the whole thing. I can't believe someone financed that movie. I could have made a better movie with a camcorder, three strippers, a midget, and a bag of weed. See how I hide behind the movie excuse? Seriously, it was so bad but I couldn't stop laughing. At first I think I was pissing people off but my the middle of the movie, everyone was laughing. Doesn't anybody know how to make a good zombie movie anymore? House of the Dead, House of 1000 Corpses, 28 Days later. IT'S ALL SHIT!

CNN: Researchers: Monkeys use mind to move objects.

Good, there's hope for me.



Good old NJ

I love NJ. I saw this headline on CNN.com Drowsy driving now illegal in New Jersey.
www.cnn.com/2003/LAW/09/30/drowsy.drivers.ap/index.html

I can only imagine how the conversation goes between the cop and the first guy who gets pulled over for this:

Cop: You know why I pulled you over sir?

Guy: Um, no officer, I don't think I was speeding.

Cop: Have you had any sleep today sir?

Guy: Ahhh, yeah, I got a few hours.

Cop: Driving while being sleepy is illegal sir. Did you know that sir? You are drowsy.

Guy: Umm, are you serious? No I'm not.

Cop: Yes you are.

Guy: No, really, I'm not drowsy.

Cop: You mind stepping out of the car sir.

OK, now I know that's not what they meant by that law but it just sounds funny. How can they prove someone fell asleep behind the wheel, even if there is an accident. I don't get it.


Hate mail.

I got the the funniest hate mail today from someone who read my entire site than felt the need to tell me he hates me. I love this letters. Here's some of my favorite lines:

"My dear little Hitler-dudes"

"frankly, I would prefer a common, decent thief to a hip closet racist any day."

"HAR HAR HAR let's go to a klan meeting fuck off"

I love it when stupid people read my site and totally miss the point. Nothing scarier than a stupid person who doesn't know they are. If you are a short yellow bus person and you read my site, it's probably best you just stop reading after you see the first thing that offends you. Also, the worst thing you can do is email me, because you could end up on my site and attacked by the Monkey Pox. If you do email me, you better have your argument well prepared. Although I ain't the brightest person on the planet (I fall under stupid guy who knows he is stupid), I'll make you look bad.


Another reason not to wake up in the morning.

This was in the news today:

Prosecutors contended that 4-year-old Elijah Kelly endured two months of abuse from both Parker and his mother before he died May 14, 2001.

According to testimony and statements, Parker regularly spanked Elijah, twice hit the boy with a belt and punished him by placing him in a refrigerator in the garage at his Haledon condominium. A medical examiner testified at the trial that the boy had sustained injuries including belt marks, a broken rib, head trauma, and more than a dozen bite marks.

In May 2001, Elijah Kelly sustained head wounds inflicted by his mother, and was rushed to a hospital with injuries that would later kill him.

Now come on. This dude was a NY Giant. This mother fucker should be shot on site. There are a lot of people out there that should be put down. We put down dogs who go crazy. Dogs love unconditionally. I would put this fucker down in a heartbeat. I'd do it with a coke and a smile.


Western Union

I just went down to Western Union to send my Nigerian correspondent his money for writing the column. The guy is like "how can I help you?" and when I said I want to send some money to Nigeria, he totally tried to talk me out of it. I'm like "trust me, I know all about the scam." I thought that was great.


Today's SHUT THE FUCK UP AWARD GOES TO.....

Johnny Depp

Johnny Depp: U.S. is like a stupid puppy

My daughter is four, my boy is one. I'd like them to see America as a toy, a broken toy. Investigate it a little, check it out, get this feeling and then get out."

Johnny, your job in life is to pretend to be fake characters. That's it. Nothing more, nothing less. Please shut the fuck up. Now don't get me wrong, I think you are one of the best at playing pretend, but when it comes to your opinion on the country that is full of the people who pay you, just say "I'm just a guy who played a man with scissors for fingers, trying to get by." You play weirdoes dude, and your good at it.

I want old Captain Jack Sparrow to give all the money back that he's made while starring in American movies and TV shows. Let's see how you like the foreign movie pay scale.

People, if you don't like a country, then don't live there, go there, or take money from it's people. If you do take money from it, give it back to causes that can make the dumb stupid puppy the way you think it should be. Think charities and organizations. Maybe even try voting. Oh, and keep your mouth shut.


This is great.

Here is the link to the cnn.com about the kid who made the blaster worm virus.
http://www.cnn.com/2003/TECH/internet/08/29/worm.arrest/index.html

OK, I'm sorry, this kid screams "I HAVE NOTHING BETTER TO DO THE WRECK HAVOC ON OTHER PEOPLES COMPUTERS." I picture him playing Dungeons and Dragons, by himself in his bedroom, thinking of a way to destroy shit. Kind of like Butters on South Park. I can just see him corning the poor neighbors kid going "One day I'm going to make a virus that destroys all our teachers computers and anyone else who laughs at me" By the way, doesn't he look like the guy in Better Off Dead. The one who had the French girl living at his house. RICKY!

NOTE TO VIRUS GUY: Try kissing a girl.

You know this kid has never been laid. High School/College guys who have been laid would never do something like this. They are too busy trying to figure out how to, ummm, get laid. "Lets see, it's Friday night, what to do? I can build a virus that fucks up peoples computers or I can go out and try to get laid. Hmmmmmm." Five minutes later - "What virus???"

Somebody get this kid a hooker.

Loser.

I know he is because I smell my own!


And the Horse Trailer Player of the Game goes to.......

Maddona with Christina and Britney. She's proving my theory right about what happens after a girl has 2 Long Island Ice Teas.



Everybody here get stoned.....

I just saw this on CNN.

Nigerian stoning appeal heard.

KATSINA, Nigeria (AP) -- Tears of fright in her eyes, a 32-year-old Nigerian single mother cuddled and nursed her young daughter in a sweltering Islamic appeals court Wednesday as lawyers pleaded she be spared death by stoning for bearing the child out of wedlock.

What is up with Nigeria? Jesus. Imagine how many people would be stoned in the US if having a child out of wedlock was illegal. We'd have no more professional athletes. There would be nothing left for me to watch.

If I had one wish, I wish the Nigerians could put their stones down while sitting in their cyber cafe and just enjoy
www.ebolamonkeyman.com

No, that's actually a lie. If I had one wish, it would be to get stoned with a bunch of Nigerians. I bet they got some good hash over there.



Why I love Canada.

Every time I go to CNN it seems that someone over in the Middle East sets off a bomb. I've been there twice today and there were to explosions. I don't know what the world is going to do. It's a shame.

In other news, I just did a 30 minute interview with a journalist named Lesley Cameron from the CBC news out of Toronto about ebolamonkeyman.com. She apparently found my site through the Montreal Gazette story, which I never saw. It's a good thing Lesley didn't go to CNN.com today. She would have realized that there is something more important to cover: THE FACT THAT PEOPLE ARE SETTING OFF BOMBS IN BUILDINGS ALL OVER THE WORLD. I don't blame her though, reading that shit everyday is depressing. Very nice lady though. More points for Canada.


FUCK OFF

I think my Rott told me to fuck off this morning. He was standing at the end of the hall when I woke up and I was like "come here Bukka." He just looked at me and half barked, then went down the stairs. I swear that half bark sounded just like "FUCK OFF." rrrrruf fuuuuuuuuck off. See what I mean.


Funny thought......

OK, this is random but somebody just reminded me and I want to share.
I was at the gym at lunch today and I saw this guy Dave there. He's one of those guys that spends 6 hours a day in there and is huge. You know, the guys that take like 4 different steroids and a fish tranquilizer. Anyways, he was asking me about my tats and I say "Dude, looks like you are slimming down a bit, not lifting as much anymore." I was totally kidding. I could tell by the look on his face it flew over his head. He's like "ummm, no." So I go, "Oh, it just looks like you are doing a lot of cardio that's all." Keep in mind, this guy doesn't do anything but lift massive amounts of weight. Plus he's one of those "EVERYBODY LOOK AT ME/DADDY LOVE ME" guys who yells when he lifts. I never told him I was joking. I figure I let stew in his head all week. The dreaded thought of shrinking. OH NOOOOOOO!

It reminded me of a time when I was back at Jersey shore. I was lifting at my gym with my friend Mike and we were doing tricep shit. This Long Island Guido looking guy comes up to us and starts talking about proper technique. Now although I can easily be mistaken for a Guido, I can't stand those guys. He starts telling us about how the tricep is the most important muscle in the arm and that there are certain exercises that are "a most." Keep in mind that my buddy Mike looks like Arnold, so he really doesn't need any advice on lifting. This Guido goes "the tricep is 2/3rds the arm." Mike says "I thought it was 6/9ths." So Guido guy goes "naaaaaaw, it's 2/3rds." I almost pissed myself trying to hold back the laughter. The fucking guy totally missed it and the fact that Mike was trying to make him look, well um, what he is. STUPID! You have to love those guys.



I'm taking the day off from being happy......
That little bastard neighbor kid is throwing rocks over the fence at my dogs. Now I have an actual reason to give people when they ask me "Why do you want a blow gun so bad?" This fucking kid is sick in the head and he's only 4. They have this beautiful Bernese mountain dog (6 month old puppy) named Charlie that they keep outside all the time. Kind of like their kid except Charlie doesn't get to come in at night. I watch this kid with the dog and he treats it like shit. I'm thinking about secretly training Charlie to attack on command so I can help him out. That way, when little serial rapist/killer in the making fucks with the dog, I can yell the command from my upstairs window and watch the dog even up the score. They told me they are putting their house up for sale in a week and I can't wait for them to be gone. I wish they'd move to England because them being on the Western side of the world is too close.


Today's CNN headline!

Vatican launches campaign against gay marriage

The Vatican has launched a global campaign against gay marriages, warning Catholic politicians that support of same-sex unions is "gravely immoral." A 12-page set of guidelines with the approval of Pope John Paul II says that "marriage is holy, while homosexual acts go against the natural moral law."

This is living proof that we are going to need a bigger boat. Isn't it about time that the Catholic church lose all credibility. If I were hanging out with the Pope at a party, and he said "marriage is holy, while homosexual acts go against the natural moral law." I'd say:

"Aren't you the leader of the group of guys who, um, FUCK LITTLE BOYS IN THE ASS!"

I'm sorry, you loose your right to speak on anything when you are associated with Pedophilia. KEEP YOUR FUCKING MOUTH SHUT AND CLEAN UP YOUR OWN BACKYARD. I remember when my family was kicked out of the Catholic church. Well, I say family, more like grandmother, which basically means everyone when being part of an Italian family. She was screaming about priests touching little boys back in the 70's.

Memo to Catholics: STOP JUDGING. If a dude wants to marry another dude, it's none of your business. Get over yourselves.


I know I'm going to get shit for this joke but it's perfect!

This is dedicated to the crazy one. You know who you are damn it!
The Road to Hawaii

This man was walking along the beach in Southern California and discovered what appeared to be a Genie's lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and sure enough, out came this Genie. The Genie was so excited to be out of the lamp that he gave the man the customary three wishes.

The man thought for a few seconds then said to the Genie, "I have always wanted to go to Hawaii but have never been able to. You see I am afraid to fly and I get seasick in the bathtub. I would like you to construct a highway to Hawaii so I can drive there."

The Genie scratched his head, did some quick calculations, then sadly said, "I hate to tell you this but your wish might be too much for me to give. You see, it would take a tremendous amount of time to lobby the Department of Transportation, the Department of Federal Highway and Safety Administration. Then, the construction costs would require further tax hikes. On top of all this, we would have to construct fuel stations along the route as well. I have never had to turn down a wish like this and I am somewhat embarrassed to do so, but can you think of another wish instead of this one?"

The man was disappointed to hear this bad news but took it in stride. He thought a few more seconds and then said, "I have been married for 15 years and have really never been able to understand my wife. I wish you could help me understand my wife."

The Genie interrupted the man quickly and asked, "Would you like that highway two lane or four lane?"



If the world was mine.

1. Fridays and Mondays would be half days at work. That way we can ease in and out.

2. Las Vegas would be the capital of the world.

3. World leaders could talk out problems and if that didn't work, break out the board games.

4. If you did something stupid, you could get sued by the company for using the product or service like an asshole. So if you are overweight and died because you decided to pop a bunch of pills with ephedrine and go running in 100 degree weather, you can be sued by Xenedrine. Plus the company can sue your parents for breeding stupidity. I'm tired of stupid people fucking it up for everyone. If you spill coffee on yourself, everyone gets to laugh at you.

Every horrible crime that you commit would result in publicly televised ass fucking. Imagine how much the crime rate would go down if there were public ass fuckings. Like the days when they chopped off your head except they get 10 big dudes to just rail you in front of millions of viewers.

P. 1 "lets go rob houses for extra money"
P. 2 "no thanks man"
P. 1 "why not?"
P. 2 "because I don't want to get caught and get publicly ass fucked. I've seen the look on those dudes faces."

You know the crime rate would go down. Nobody wants to be "that guy" for the rest of his life.

5. I'd make religious people stop scaring everybody.

6. Teachers would get paid better but would have to make learning fun and not just pick up a check. There are so many ways a teacher can make the shit interesting and fun but they stick to the same program.

7. The Oscars and AVN awards would blend together, creating one long but interesting movie award show.

8. Actors and musicians wouldn't be able to talk about right and wrong. "Hey you over there. You get paid a lot of money to pretend to be people in front of a camera and you over there, you sing in rhyme. That's it. You don't know anything about reality so keep your mouth shut!" Memo to all actors and musicians: STOP TAKING YOURSELF SO SERIOUSLY.

9. Everybody would be free to smoke weed and do X, as long as they ran it by me first.

10. I'd make people who hang out at abortion clinics and scare people, build houses for the poor or work in homeless shelters. If you have that much free time on your hands, you'd be forced to put it towards something useful instead of creepy.

11. Say anything bad about strippers and strip clubs and get your tongue cut out.

12. Tough guys wouldn't have to be, and not-so-tough guys wouldn't have to try to be.

13. All disagreements with me would have to be settled with a game of Madden for PS2. Oh, I'm sorry, I forgot to mention that it's best out of three, I mean five, errr seven.

14. VIP rooms in clubs would be outlawed. I don't want anyone thinking they are so "cool" that they need their own room.

15. Math would be optional, not required.

16. I could take away all my mother's pain that exists in her head.

17. If you hurt an animal for anything besides basic necessity, you loose a limb. Now think of that show on animal planet with those cops that bust people of negligence against animals. Now imagine the look on the the faces of the animal abusers when those two ladies show up with machetes going "Sir, because you neglected your dog and he is severely underweight and is infested with ticks, I'm going to need you to place your arm on this piece of wood."

18. We would respect the old school!

19. You could only bring your fists to a fight.

20. Marriage would be classified as legal prostitution. Yeah, I said it.

Hmmmmmm, if the world was mine.



That fucking little bastard.

Well, you can scratch the Star Wars kid off my favorite person list. I thought he was cool. Now he and his parents are on my whiney little bitch list.
http://www.theglobeandmail.com/servlet/story/RTGAM.20030723.gtuboyyn/BNStory/Technology/?query=star+wars+kid/

Why can't he be like me and embarrass himself for the sake of entertainment. If I had to seek therapy for every time someone laughed at me I'd be broke. Broker. Nevermind, I couldn't afford it anyway.


Kobe, Kobe, Kobe

" Turn it up loud Hahaha, ahahaha, hey man, You a little sucker for love, right? Word up, hahahahaha"
I just read that Kobe bought his wife a 4 MILLION dollar ring.

"What you won't do, do for love. You tried everything, but you don't give up"

Bad idea Kobe. I hate to see a man fall to pieces, especially on a public forum. It's sad. He was crying on TV, reciting that Luther Vandross song (did anyone notice that besides me?), and now spending his ass off.

"Will I cheat or will I be committed, heaven knows Gettin weak and I wanna hit it, so here I go"

Kobe needs to come hang with me. I see everything. Even the stuff I don't want to see. So much that I try to get drunk to screw up the vision. Kobe is welcome in my family. THE SHADY BUNCH.


Four Steps to Nowhere errrrr Closure.....

For anyone who wonders what it is like to get a movie script analyzed, picked apart, then rejected by a production company. This was a commentary written by Doug Rice of Mahattan Pictures, Inc. This is Danny Aiello's company. I wrote this script in college and it never got anywhere. I had a discussion today about writing movie script and what a pain in the ass it is to get it even looked at. Which is amazing considering some of the shit they throw on the screen today.

FOUR STEPS TO CLOSURE is rough and simplistic, but also a surprisingly above-average screenplay, especially for one that seems born out of the realm of many failed scripts: the post-college-graduation crisis. FOUR STEPS TO CLOSURE falls in a category with innumerable projects from amateur writers trying to document their own personal problems and who think, in college, “hey, me and my fiends are like a movie.” However, FOUR STEPS rises above these failed attempts from other writers. The screenwriter has created very real believable characters (not caricatures) and placed them in a very intriguing premise. This premise, in which four friends road-trip, is commonplace, but the spin it possesses, in which they rediscover themselves and their friendship while fulfilling a beloved mother’s last request, is heart-warming and charming.
The characters are quite simplistic, but not to fault. Their simplicity accurately depicts the typical college graduate and their varying outlooks on romance. They are very real and definitely empathetic. Audiences would easily find a connection with one or more, whether the audience member is in the same predicament or nostalgically reflecting on such shared experiences. In this light, FOUR STEPS TO CLOSURE is a time capsule, accurately capturing a moment in the development of young people through these characters. This is a strength of most ‘coming-of-age’ stories. With regard to these characters, the screenwriter also displays a bit of competent story sense, since the characters do change, evolve, and boast complete character arcs. The changes in the characters of Mike (with intimacy issues) and Damon (battling issues of religious faith) are admirable in particular.

The premise and tone is also what sets this story apart from its weaker competition. Obvious inspirations for FOUR STEPS seem to be the hits SWINGERS and GOOD WILL HUNTING, and FOUR STEPS seems to borrow elements from both. Its first half is an often funny, sharp look at the romantic ups and downs of twenty-something men (one scene even has a character mentioning SWINGERS, a possible homage). The second half of the screenplay goes deeper, and abandons the light charm and humor for bigger issues such as faith, death, and love. As it does, the story takes on qualities similar to GOOD WILL HUNTING, such as finding closure and taking a chance on love, but never copies the film. FOUR STEPS does this by boasting a spiritual/supernatural dimension that proves to be appealing.

However, FOUR STEPS TO CLOSURE is still a bit rough. One flaw is, in drawing these characters, the screenwriter can’t help that Damon and Mike shine. As a result, they split the attention, and though all the characters have their own crises, one protagonist does not emerge. The body of the story is Damon’s story; it is about the loss of his mother and his search for meaning in religion and faith. But the story’s conclusion steers its focus on completing Mike’s intimacy issues (Even in SWINGERS, the characters have separate identities and problems, but the plot’s motivating force and most complete character arc is one protagonist: John Favreau’s character. It bookends the narrative). In FOUR STEPS, the need for focus on one protagonist is lacking.

The most obvious weakness of the screenplay is its structure. While the screenwriter does show competence with his characters, it is the structure of the narrative that is uneven and misaligned. The story sense is strongest in the narrative in small doses, limited to each scene; the characters all seem to enjoy “telling stories” of inspiration and comfort, and these stories-within-the-story are admirable. But in the big picture, the plot points that define the standard three acts are misaligned. The heart of the story is Rose (who serves as motivation, inspiration, and ultimately as a prevailing guidance), but her introduction is late. She deserves an earlier entrance and would serve the narrative better as a more developed character. As is, she is a catalyst – just the narrative’s inciting incident. A fuller existence in the story – early – would be, perhaps, more convincing and justifiable for her later influence on the story.

Also erring the structure is Rose’s death. Like all great stories, the plot is a journey. With FOUR STEPS, the journey is literal – the boys go on a physical journey, as well as emotional. Since Rose’s death and last request is most definitely the inciting incident and turns the story toward its second act, the event is oddly place as more of a midpoint (near page 70!). This leads to a 141 page screenplay, which is too long for the scope of its subject matter. The narrative’s setup is the offender here, taking too long to draw the main characters and introduce Rose. These first 60 pages or so repeat themselves a bit, and does not move as swiftly as a first act should.

Besides this flaw in the structure and storyline, the screenwriter shows promise. The humor needs to be funnier, the drama needs to be less melodramatic, and the issues need to go deeper (especially in Damon’s loss of faith, God, religion, and heaven). But the screenwriter has, nonetheless, written a charming story that is rather entertaining, and definitely better than the many, average projects that try to tackle the same issues.

To see the entire Doug Rice review click here (I personally disagree with every negative thing that Dough says.;) Plus it's shitty synopsis):
www.ebolamonkeyman.com/manhattan.htm


The MONKEY hits the radio in the UK!

I just got this email from one of my fans. Apparently, I'm on the radio out there. It's all good my friend... we've been talking about your site on air today.

Keep it up!

g

Graham Alexander
Bristol's STAR 107.3 FM
" Music To Make You Feel Good"
a: The Bristol Evening Post Building, BS99 7HD
t: 0117 910 6600
f: 0117 925 0941
e: news@star1073.co.uk
i: www.star1073.co.uk



Kobe, Kobe, Kobe

I know I'm going to get shit for this but I'm going to say it anyway.
My curiosity got the best of me so I went digging for pics of the girl who is accusing Kobe of rape. I hate to sound judgmental, but I have one question for Kobe.

Why?

Were you wearing beer goggles? Even if you didn't rape her, why did you have her in your room? Dude, she is a far cry from your wife and the other women you've probably had. If you are going to risk throwing your life away, do it for someone like Beyonce, Selma Hyak, or Janine. Someone hot. I so wish I would have been there when he had to tell his wife.

Kobe: Baby, I need to tell you something.
Wife: What dear, what is it?
Kobe: Well, you know, you are going to hear some things that I only half did. You know what, just turn on ESPN. I'm going to go out for awhile. I'll see you when I get back.

Then I would want to be there when she sees the picture of the girl.

WIFE: ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR FUCKING MIND? DO I NEED TO TIE YOUR DICK TO YOUR LEG?

Another thing. These basketball stars all roll around with posses of like 20 dudes. Can't one of them be VIDEO CAMERA GUY? That's the perfect job for me. It would be to tape everything that Kobe does so he can't get falsely accused of anything (that is, if he didn't do it). See, I always talk about being part of a entourage and now I found the perfect job for me. I'll even wear a helmet cam. Memo to all rappers and b-ball players: LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO KOBE! YOU NEED ME NOW.


PORN EMAILS

They re-routed their (the two guys they fired) phone lines and emails to go directly to me. These two guys got more porn emails than you can imagine. I can't even leave my outlook open anymore because the emails are html so there are all kinds of pictures in the preview box. MILF HUNTER, COLLEGE FUCK FEST, MIKE'S APARTMENT, CAPTAIN POON,REAL AMATURE SLUTS, etc... You should see what is in the subject lines of these emails. These two got themselves on some serious lists. If you saw the amount of porn email I get now, you'd say "that's quite a porn habit you got there." Oh well.

Speaking of funny emails. Does anyone else get the enlarge your penis or viagra emails? I asked a co-worker of mine and he says he gets them too. I was beginning to develop a little bit of complex for a second.




Should have just stayed in bed.

On my way to work today, I noticed my engine started smoking. Further investigation led me to the big fucking red light that comes on when the temperature gauge is on H. I was begging the car. "Please baby, I just need this to be a small problem." I had just been talking about getting a new car on Sunday. It's like she heard me or something. I even went Kobe on her by saying "YOU KNOW ME and this is something I wouldn't do."

Regardless, she continued to act like a bitch. I got the car back my house. My neighbor Rick is good at fixing cars. He's doing all kinds of shit to the car and nothing is making it better. I'm all Jules like going "Rick, tell that bitch to be cool. Say bitch, be cool!"

He threw in a new thermostat but who knows if that is the problem. Regardless, I'm going to leave her by herself in the garage today and work from home on my extremely slow computer.

I HATE CARS!



Porn Star - The Legend of Ron Jeremy

" It's like the donkey shows"

I watched the documentary. Very interesting stuff. He's actually a real likeable guy. I wish they would have shown documentaries like this in High School. They should show these types of things to us when we are young so we can go "Wow, that dude's life is all fucked up. I better pay attention to what the teacher is saying before I end up in a bukkake film."

"I got nothing against dudes, and I got nothing against donkeys. But if I can pay a reasonably good price to see a dude blow a donkey, I'm going in once!"

I realize that I like to watch people fuck up on camera a lot. I love it when people are at rock bottom and they tape it. I'm not judging here so don't take this the wrong way. I love all people, that's my thing. See for me, porno is better as a fantasy. I would love to be a porn star but I have no balls. I know I couldn't really do it. So I live it through guys like Ron or Peter North. Let them have the label. I love these documentaries because they let me see the little old man behind the curtain. It feeds my curiosity. Now only if Peter would make a fucking documentary so I can learn his secret.

"i don't want to be some old guy wondering what the look on the donkeys face was. 80 years old going DAMN, NOT A DONKEY SHOW TO BE FOUND" --- JOE ROGAN



Digital Underground and DA RETARDED BAND

Just got Digital Underground and De La Soul's greatest hits. So I realize I'm very old school. I was in denial about it but now I admit it. I get so excited when I hear the old stuff. Music, movies, and TV. I figure it's because it reminds me of a time when I had no real responsibilities in life. I miss those days. The days were long but it was the good type of "long." When you slept, you slept the entire night. Summer was like an eternity.

Old school to the core. If you don't respect the old school then you will sit outside and recite Juicy until you know it by heart.

"I'm the one that said just grabem' in the biscuts."

Speaking of.......I know I touched on this before but these ass clowns on making of the band II are driving me crazy. How is it possible the Puffy picked 5 retards. RWA's (Retards With Attitudes) is what I would name that band. He keeps telling them to do things and they keep going against the grain. Retards, he says walk to Brooklyn for some cheese cake, walk to Brooklyn for some fucking cheesecake. If he says stay in the house, stay in the fucking house. Don't go visit your grandma! If you have to handcuff yourself to the couch, do it. The Reggae guy even flips Puffy shit, and he got his ass out of jail. If I were Puffy I'd just stare at them with my mouth open. As a matter of fact, I'd be looking around for the hidden cameras because I'd feel like I was on PUNK'D. I'd also get them a dropped short yellow school bus with sprees for rims so they had their tour bus. Memo to RWA: Drop the ghetto shit and act right. "Puffy be tellin me to go get him some orange juice and I ain't gettin nobody orange juice cuz I'm from the streetz. Give me my respect. I wanna make recordz." ARE YOU KIDDING ME! "We only got 2 weeks to make the album, wah, wah, wah." Break out the crystal meth and coke and lock yourself in the fucking studio, don't come out till the album is done, and...ummmmm.....Oh, and drink some "shut the fuck up and be thankful" juice while your at it. Puffy, I'm begging you. Put me in the band please. I know an opportunity of a lifetime when I see it. Plus my pride is all gone so I'll walk to Alaska to get you some fucking cheesecake.


Addicted to MTV & POP CULTURE.

I sit and watch MTV and crack myself up by commenting to my dogs. I a massive tool. A couple of things I've noticed while watching today:

1. That dude Pink most work out. He's got great abs. He looks like a cool guy.

2. Christina Aguilera has no idea what I'd do to her if she just gave me 3 minutes. I'd do it so good she'd think she was a white girl. Wait a second. You mean to tell me she is white girl?

3. I wish I could sell my soul to the devil like Carson did.

4. If I see the Coke commercial with Mya & Common one more fucking time. That shit gets in my head and stays there. "real real real, lets make it very real."

5. They should rename it to "Real World/Road Rules TV" because that's all that's ever fucking on anymore.

6. Hell yeah I'm jealous, I want a show on MTV.


IF I RULED THE WORLD!

These are some of the headlines on CNN today. If I were the president, here is what would happen:

"Child-killing mom Susan Smith seeks online pen pals"

So help me God, this bitch would be seeking an angel of death to take away the pain that she would be going through after the shit I put her through. Remember this from Pulp Fiction:

"Well let me tell you what now. I'm going to call a couple pipe-hittin' n******s, who'll go to work on homes here with a pair of pliers and a blow torch."

Well, the shit that old "kill my kids because I'm fucked up" would go through would 100000000000000000 X worse.

"Springer moves closer to Senate run"

Dude, you aren't running for shit. Have fun being a white trash talk show host the rest of your life.

"Chilean scientists solve mystery of beach blob"

We will no longer waist time solving irrelevant mysteries. If any scientists are caught working on anything else besides a cure for AIDS, Cancer, Leukemia, etc.... You will be publicly fucked in the ass by a syphilitic bear which will be televised on FOX. The next wave in reality TV.

"California blames smog on others' cars"

If you complain one more time about the smog you without doing something about it I will send you to your room and take away your car privileges. Stop blame shifting!

"Second service woman dies in Iraq"

Operation "shoot every Iraqi that comes within 25 yards" of an American is now in full effect. If that doesn't work, operation "make a fucking golf course out of a country" would go into effect.

GOOD THING I'M NOT PRESIDENT.


I saw this headline on CNN.com.

"Young camper and his mom say camp counselors set up fights between kids, charged admission and placed bets."

Nobody likes a rat kid.



OH-SO-HI-O

1. I wear this mullet because the style is coming back. NO IT'S NOT! The Kentucky Waterfall does look beautiful in this light though.
2. Dennys is not fine dining. Either is Home Town Buffet.

3. Mix in a salad once in awhile people.

4. It's not normal to beat your wife. I swear.

5. Lets get together and compare DUI stories. LETS NOT.

6. No you can't borrow my DVD player and TV for your party. What's your name by the way?

7. Lady, please control your four kids.

8. Your only 18, but you have four kids.

9. No, the Tribe is not going to win it all this year. WE KNOW HOW IT ALWAYS ENDS FOR THEM.

10. If I hear about LeBron one more fucking time.



AAAAAAAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAH

I have another complaint. I'm trying keep them to minimum but it's hard.

Memo to dog owners:

When someone finds your dog running in the street and returns it to your doorstep, ACT GRATEFUL! I found a dog today while driving down a 45 MPH road during a nice conversation (which had to be interrupted for me to play dog superhero). When I got the dog to the owner, he treated me like shit. I fucking hate that. I'm like 9 for 9. 9 dogs found, 9 dogs saved, 9 owners who treat me like shit. It's very white trash people.

I'm not asking for praise. It's more comfort. Tell me something like "Oh my God, I don't know how the dog got out. Thank you. I'll make sure this never happens again." That's all I want. No blank stare with the blasé attitude. Oh, and act like you missed the dog while it was gone too. Pretend you knew it was gone. Humor me. It's not so hard. I have 6 and not one has ever gotten out.

Where are those ladies from Animal Precinct when you need them. I fucking love those two.


The Fabulous Life of Britney

I'm watching a show called "The Fabulous Life of Britney." It's about Britney's spending habits, which make me sick to my stomach. I know its my own fault for watching it and I should just turn it off. Plus I'm jealous that she has money. I know....
God, you know I don't ask for much. Please take away her money and force her into porno. That's all I ask. I just want her to be an E Hollywood story. "By 27, Britney did her first Bukkake film, which she won an AVN award for....playing the character of circus seal." I can't stand her. Please God.

I watch these shows and think how screwed up this world is.



28 Days - Thank God somebody woke me up at the end.

I went and saw 28 Days Later or whatever it's called. I know why they named it that because if you watch it, there is a good chance you will actually fall asleep for 28 days. It was the worst movie I've seen in a long time. First of all, they took the concept of the movie "Night of the Comet" and made it really bad. Really bad. It wasn't scary and it was filmed like shit. Way too quiet, but I guess it is that way because the director didn't want to wake up the audience while they slept. Nice guy. I wish I could get my two hours back. They should not call that a horror film. I think Yentle was more exciting and scarier.


Star Wars kid info.

OK, I found an article about this Star Wars kid (the guy who just moved to the top of my favorite persons list) and get this, he's Canadian. For those of you who have no idea what I'm talking about, scroll down and see my last diary. Here's the article:
The Star Wars Kid has been found!

The two videos were downloaded 1.1 million times from my site alone, a staggering 2.3 terabytes of traffic, placing a geeky little kid at the center of the web's attention practically overnight. So who was he and what was he thinking?

My research revealed few details, until the culprits finally contacted me. His name is Ghyslain, a 15-year-old tenth grader living in Quebec. Originally recorded onto an 8mm tape on November 4, 2002 in the school's studio, the video was never meant to be seen by anyone. After Ghyslain returned the borrowed videotape to his friend, the video sat in a basement for months. On April 19, 2003, Ghyslain's friend stumbled on the tape's secret contents and immediately shared it with friends. They thought it would be a funny prank to encode the video and upload it to Kazaa.

It only took two weeks for the video to spread around the world. Raven Software's Bryan Dube added the Star Wars effects on April 24, a mere five days after it originally appeared to the Internet. A week later, both videos were linked on every major gaming- and technology-related website, forum, and chat room online.


My rant.

I was just kidding when I said we would win if we lost by 30. We lost by 37. I feel like we lost twice.
I can live with it. What really pisses me off is what happened after the game. Quick memo to North Canton white boys: There are no such thing as North Canton gangstas.

There were like five little Eminems sitting in the parking lot shooting mean stares. Come on guys, you're embarrassing me. I was walking out with my teammate, Roger, who is black and I had to apologize. He's like "for what?" and I go "for that." He thought that was funny at least. Sad thing is that I probably looked like those kids in High School. Now when I see it, I get sick to my stomach. I wish I could have dropped these kids off in the middle of a crip neighborhood in Compton, CA. Then we would see the real gangsta come out. I just got a great idea for a TV show. We take white middle class kids who want to act and talk like Compton gangstas, and we throw them to the Compton gangstas. I could watch that all day. Imagine what Tre Dog and Bone would do to Timmy and William after they saw them standing there with their pants sagging and their "scary" faces on. Reality TV at its finest.

Please guys, act North Canton so you don't get yourself killed one day.

"Stop, please stop, cuz I want yall to live." Ice T (Colors).



Top 5 Acting Performances

I had this discussion yesterday. Here is is.

Honorable Mention -

Sho Nuff (Julius J. Carry III ) in The Last Dragon. Who's the master? The Sho Gunn of Harlem. He was so bad it was so good.

Jack Nicholson(Melvin Udall) in As Good As It Gets. Likeable asshole. "How do you write women so good?" --- "I think of a man, and I take away reason and accountability" Fucking love it.

5. Christopher Walken (Carlo Bartolucci) in Suicide Kings. Fucking brilliant. You just have to see him in it. Likeable evil.

4. Tupac Shakur (Spoon) in Gridlock'd. He didn't play a tough guy and I liked that. He was extremely believable as a junkie trying to straighten his life out. As someone who has fucked up a lot in life, I could relate.

3. Andy Garcia (Jimmy the Saint) in Things To Do In Denver When You're Dead. Smooth and sharp. Carried himself the way every man should.

2. Vince Vaughn (Trent) in Swingers. When you finish a roll in a movie and every mother fucker on the planet is talking like you, you make my top 5. So money.

1. Natalie Portman (Marty) in Beautiful Girls. She should have one an Oscar for this one. No matter where you are in life, you can find a way to relate. Worthy of my #1.


You have to be kidding me.

I just read an article on cnn.com about a boy who was eaten by an alligator. YOU HAVE TO BE FUCKING KIDDING ME. This is my favorite quote:

" We saw gators all day," said 14-year-old Justin VanGorder, who said he was swimming with Brian. "Every time we saw them, we would get out of the water."

WHAT? You saw them and you would go back in. I'm rooting for the alligators now. This is exactly what is wrong with this country. Try staying out of the water next time and your friend won't become food. THINK! I bet Justin takes the short yellow bus.

Anyone else see this?



Speaking of great songs.

On the way into work, I was listening to this old 80's CD. The song "Cherry Wine" by Jermaine Stewart was on there. For those of you that don't know, that's the song that goes "We don't have to take our clothes off, to have a good time, Oh No." Back in the day, when you heard that song, you thought "well that's fucking bull shit." You are a liar Jermaine. Here's a guy telling a girl to slow down. Now it's 2003 and I realize that Jermaine was flamming (I mean so flamming the fucking fire sprinklers would go off when he walked into a room) and that's why he didn't want to take off his clothes with her. To my gay friends, let me insert token hetero comment "not that there is anything wrong with that." I just think it's funny that all these 80's singers tricked everybody. If he were singing about a him and a guy, he would have acted like a starving lion as opposed to that cat on Pepe Le Peu. I once saw a David Spade special that talked about this same thing and it was fucking hysterical.
Either way, great song. Makes me think about the times when I was a little boy. I never thought it would end up this way (DRUMS).



I have one wish.

If anyone reading this works at MTV. I have an idea for a show and I'm going to pray every day that it comes true:
Take the kids from the Real World and make them live in Iraq.

I want to see these fuckers whine and bitch while they are in the middle of a war.

Real World Iraq. What happens when 10 pussies who have no clue what it is like in "The Real World" get thrown in a living hell hole."

I'm more than willing to sign the rights of this show over for free.



Here I go again.

Can someone from Ohio explain to me why I feel I live in Seattle? This rain has to stop.
I'm watching the MTV Movie Awards again. Here's some observations.

1. MTV made Sean William Scott "not funny." I don't get it. If I were the director, I'd grab him and say "Get into character STIFLER, and stay there. Nobody wants to hear you talk like Snoop Dog and beat box with Michael Jackson lite."

2. Justin Timberlake (Michael Jackson lite) is a girl. If he isn't full blown girl, he's turning quick.

3. TaTu - What the fuck?????

4. 50 cent sounds shitty live. He should just lip synch. The guy he had up there gave me a headache, drawing out all his words.

5. Vince Vaughn is the shit! They should have let him host.

6. Eminem should not do Jim Florentine.

7. The show is getting worse every year.

8. Did anyone see Queen Latifa eat that little white guy?

9. The Yoda thing just bombed.

Oh well.



I'm that guy.

Yesterday, a High School kid that was playing basketball on the team we lost to by 11 was wearing Converse Weapons (a shoe from the 80's). Weapons were like Air Jordans before they became "The Basketball Shoe." I said to the kid "right on, you've got weapons. I remember those." He looked at me like I was fucking crazy. Then I asked if he remembered the commercials for that shoe (the ones with Magic, Bird, etc...) and he said "I'm not that old man." He had no clue what I was talking about and all I kept replaying was OLD MAN, OLD MAN, OLD MAN. Even though he didn't mean it in that context. I felt like going "Listen you little mother fucker, you are wearing a shoe from my era and you will respect and know its history!"

OK, I'm in my car driving to work this morning and "Wishing Well" by Terence Trent Darby. I fucking love that song. I'm singing it on the top of my lungs like I'm trapped in the gaytrix. Anyway, I start thinking "they don't make songs like this anymore and I miss it." Good shitty pop music that sticks in your head. It's all shit now. Terence, where ever the hell he is, would smack Justin Timberlake around like the little bitch he is. "Wishing Well" was good! I want it back. That's how I know it's starting. I'M BECOMING THAT GUY. The "they don't make anything like they use too" guy and I'm only 27. It's not supposed to happen this early. I use to listen to my grandfather say shit like "that's not music, back when I was younger, they use to make songs like blah blah blah blah blah bla fucking blah." Now I'm saying that. It's starting, I'm becoming that guy.

If anyone wants to pay me to hang out, I'm ready. I don't really want to work anymore. Working sucks. I'd much rather be part of someone's ENTOURAGE. I'm a good hype man. If anyone has Puff Daddy money and is considering starting a posse, please contact me ASAP.


Top 5 songs of all time.
1. What I Got - Sublime
2. Comfortable Liar - Chevelle
3. Wish You Were Here - Incubus
4. Into The Mystic - Van Morrison
5. Dear Momma - 2 Pac

My Top 5 MOVIES
1. Beautiful Girls
2. Swingers
3. The Big Lebowski
4. Office Space
5. Singles


SOUNDTRACK TO MY LIFE

1. What I Got - Sublime
2. Friends and Family - Trik Turner
3. You Get What You Give - New Radicals
4. Never Had a Friend Like Me - 2PAC
5. Sunny Hours - Long Beach Dub All-Stars
6. Manish Boy - Muddy Waters
7. Everlong - Foo Fighters
8. Anything, Anything (I'll Give You) - Dramarama
9. Papaz Song - 2PAC
10. Dear Mama - 2PAC
11. I Wish You Were Here - Incubus
12. How's It Going Down - DMX
13. She Hates Me - Puddle of Mudd
14. It's Been Awhile - Staind
15. Beyond The Sea - Bobby Darin
16. Holding on to You - Terence Trent D'Arby
17. You & Me & The Bottle Makes 3 Tonight (Baby)- BBVD

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