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RIGHTWING NUTCASE NOTE:  This was, by far, the most fun I ever had scam baiting.  One of my students got this from Jacob Ndu, so we teamed up together to give this moron a lesson in stupidity.  My partner is the Big Bad Booty Daddy.  My notes are in red, his are in blue, and the scammer’s are in black.  Enjoy!

 

BIG BAD BOOTY DADDY NOTE:  As a rookie scam baiter, I had no idea what I was in for. Little do I know that Jacob Ndu’s pathetic stupidity would make my day for almost 3 months. After I was finished I knew God’s purpose for putting Jacob Ndu on this planet was solely for my entertainment purposes

 

From Jacob Ndu to Sal Manilla:

NIGERIAN LIQUIFIED NATURAL GAS
                  LAGOS CENTRAL OFFICE
                       LAGOS-NIGERIAN
                    E-mail:jacobndu2@yahoo.ca

Dear Sir,

RE: TRANSFER OF USD45,500,000.00 (FORTY-FIVE MILLION,FIVE HUNDRED THOUSAND UNITED STATES DOLLARS ONLY) TO A SAFE ACCOUNT

I wish to intimate you with this proposal in my capacity as Chief Accountant and in full agreement with the Auditor-General of this Company (Nigeria Liqiuified Natural Gas) . We scrutinized all records and the accounts of  awarded and executed contracts of this company (NLNG) during the previous military regime, since the inception of democracy in Nigeria and carefully uncover and mapped out a whopping sum  USD $45.5m which we want to transfer  into your account as the  beneficiary. It might interest you to know that beginning of this current civilian government at a working assets capital of USD 3billion and will definitely gulp more USD 2  billion on the comple tion of the fifty part. You can authentically  apply for supply if it interest you to be our client with full guarantee from me.

The money $45.5m has been approved for payment by this company NLNG, the Federal Ministry of Finance (endorsed by the Accountant General of the Federation) and to be paid by the Apex bank of Nigeria  As top civil  Servants, we are not authorized to operate foreign bank accounts hence  our decision to use your account in full trust and confidence to  transfer this money outside Nigeria. We have accepted you as our foreign  partner and will regularize and update the approvals to reflect you as  the true beneficiary of the contract sum USD $45.5m(FORTY FIVE MILLION, FIVE HUNDRED THOUSAND UNITED STATES DOLLAR).

Moreover, it is pertinent to note that it is not risky and does not  require much engagements since we have taken care of the deal in full  capacity. We have resolved to give you 25% of the total sum for your assistance. If you are interested in this deal, please, contact me  through my email. Address above for more lively information. Rememberto  give to me your phone and fax lines through which l can send you  approved documents for your perusal.I am anxiously waiting for your  response with hope that you will understand the confidential nature of this transaction. you can  reply me through the e-mail address
above or jacobndu2@yahoo.ca
Best regards

Mr.Jacob Ndu

 

From Sal Manilla to Jacob Ndu:

Dear Mr. Ndu,

Thank god you e-mailed me. I am so relieved. My life sucks so bad. I was just about to eat a gun when I read your e-mail. But I thank baby Jesus for this opportunity. I am currently in between jobs. I was a policeman until I shot myself pistol whipping a prostitute who infected me with hepatitus B. However I made up some lie so the police dept would pay my pension. That would be sufficient to live off of except I have to take care of my mother who got her leg lopped off with a hay sickle and my dad who got trench foot in the Vietnam war. However I have some money saved away from when I was a police officer taking bribes. I can't use the money though since it is marked by the U.S. Treasury dept, but you could probably use it, so maybe we could work out a transaction to switch monies and that way I can continue to support my parents and maybe bribe the chief of police to get back on the force.

Let me know what I can do.

To protect and serve,
Detective Frank Gannon(aka Sal Manilla – we should use code names, and I like this one)

 

RIGHTWING NUTCASE NOTE:  When the Bug Bad Booty Daddy showed me this, I was convinced he would never get a reply to such an out there response.  Boy, was I ever wrong!

 

From Jacob Ndu to Sal Manilla:

DEAR SAL MANILLA,

THANKS FOR YOUR RESPONSE TO MY MAIL.

AS MY MAIL STATED, WE NEED YOUR ASSISTANCE FOR THE SIMPLE FACT THAT AS CIVIL SERVANTS, WE ARE NOT ALLOWED BY THE LAWS OF OUR COUNTRY TO OPERATE FOREIGN BASED ACCOUNTS HENCE WE NEED YOUR SSISTANCE TO HELP US ACT AS A FRONT FOR US TO TRANSFER THE US$45.5M INTO YOUR COMPANY ACCOUNT OR PERSONAL ACCOUNT.

REGARDING WHAT YOU SAID ABOUT NEXT OF KINE, IS LIKE YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND MY PROPOSAL, PLEASE READ MY PROPOSAL VERY WELL AND READ THIS MY SECOND MAIL TO YOU AND GET BACK TO ME.

WE WILL ON OUR OWN HERE SECURE ALL THE NECESSARY APPROVALS (DOCUMENTS) FOR THE TRANSFER OF THIS MONEY INTO YOUR ACCOUNT. THESE APPROVALS ARE GOING TO COST US MONEY BUT WE ARE GOING TO DO THE SPENDING HERE. BUT
SHOULD WE AT ANYTIME NEED YOUR ASSISTANCE IN ANYWAY, WE WOULDN'T HESITATE TO ASK YOU.

WE THEREFORE, NEED FROM YOU NOW, YOUR COMAPANY NAME AND ADDRESS IF YOU HAVE A COMPANY BUT WE CAN USE ONLY YOUR NAME AND ADDRESS AS THE BENEFICIARY IF YOU DO NOT HAVE A COMPANY. WE ALSO NEED YOUR BANK NAME AND
ADDRESS, YOUR BANK ACCOUNT NUMBER AND ACCOUNT NAME (BENEFICIARY). THANKS FOR PROVIDING YOUR TELEPHONE NUMBER FOR EASY COMMUNICATION.

THE ABOVE PARTICULARS WILL ENABLE US SECURE ALL THE NECESSARY APPROVALS FROM THE VARIOUS GOVERNMENT AGENCIES FOR THE TRANSFER OF THIS US$45.5M INTO YOUR ACCOUNT AND THIS CAN BE CONCLUDED WITHIN 14 WORKING DAYS FROM THE DAY WE RECEIVE THESE INFORMATION(PARTICULARS).

THE BUSINESS IS RISK FREE AS WE HAVE PERFECTED OUR STRATEGIES FOR A SMOOTH TRANSACTION. FOR YOUR INFORMATION, I TOLD MY COLLEAGUES THAT I HAVE KNWN YOU BEFORE NOW. THE REASON IS THAT WHOEVER GETS A PARTNER TO ASSIST US HAS A PERCENTAGE FOR THAT AND I HOPE MY TRUST IN YOU WILL NOT BE BETRAYED.

FOR YOUR ASSISTANCE AND CO-OPERATION, WE HAVE DECIDED TO COMPENSATE YOU WITH 25% OF THE US$45.5M, 65% OF US$45.5M IS FOR MY OTHER COLLEAGUES AND I (THE
INNITIATORS OF THIS DEAL) WHILE THE REMAINING 10% HAS BEEN SET ASIDE FOR ANY INCIDENTAL EXPENSES ON BOTH YOUR SIDE AND OUR SIDE IN THE COURSE OF THIS
TRANSACTION.

I WANT TO REMIND YOU HERE THAT THIS DEAL IS VERY CONFIDENTIAL CONSIDERING THE TOP GOVERNMENT OFFICIALS INVOLVED IN THIS BUSINESS. SO ENDEAVOUR TO KEEP IT CONFIDENTIAL TILL THE SUCCESSFUL CONCLUSSION OF THE DEAL.

PLEASE FEEL FREE TO CALL ME ON MY DIRECT PRIVATE TELEPHONE NUMBER : 234 80-34079597 FOR MORE CLARIFICATION ON THE MODALITIES OF THIS DEAL. YOU CAN
CALL ME ANYTIME OF THE DAY AS FAR AS THIS BUSINESS IS CONCERNED.

I WAIT FOR YOUR QUICK RESPONSE AND TELEPHONE CALL.

REGARDS,

JACOB NDU
NB: NOW COMMUNICATE WITH ME WITH THE E-MAIL ADDRESS ABOVE FOR SECURITY REASONS.

 

From Sal Manilla to Jacob Ndu:

Dear Mr Ndu,

Thank you so much for e-mailing me back. Like I said before I was a police officer who got kicked off the force for using excessive force, amongst other things. I take care of my sick parents and could use this money to help pay some of their medical expenses. Like I said before, my mother had her leg lopped off with a hay sickle and I have to care for it, but it is starting to stink really bad so I need some of that money to get a her a wooden pirate leg or something. Maybe I can just weld an aluminum baseball bat on her nub and hang an air freshner off it.  I am so please you e-mailed me a picture of your passport. I've spotted a lot of fake IDs in my time as a police officer but your passport looks very authentic to me. The damn people at the passport company misspelled expire though, if I were you I would take your passport back to them and have them fix it so you don't have any problems making the transaction. I also saw French written on the passport which that god damn passport company must have printed by mistake, they must not have known the national language of Nigeria is English. You need to complain to the passport company.  Do you like french fries by the way?  Anyways I trust you very much  since your passport seems in order, and you have a very respectable and sexy picture which really earned my admiration for you as a legitimate business man.

Oh by the way I have wanted to call you but we will have to make other arrangements. See the police dept still thinks they can pin some crimes on me and they have bugged my telephones to monitor suspected calls to drug lords I was formerly associated with when I was patrolling the streets. They have this crazy idea that when I was a detective I was taking bribe money from drug lords and giving them protection, but they got it all wrong - I was taking bribes from the local pimps and gang members.   So we will make future arrangements to get that situated.   I really want to get this transaction started so let me know what else I can do. To protect the transaction we should use code names. My real name is Frank Gannon but I will be using Sal Manilla.


You should pick a code name from the following list that way I can recognize your e-mails easier and we can protect the transaction from being identified by others who may want to interrupt.

Here’s a list of code names:
ecksexive kidemo lester
freakzilla
Dirk Diggler
iamwetoddid
Big Poppa Pump
Massifanal Blee ding

Oh you mentioned something about my next of kin. I don't have any children, my wife cannot have kids because I shattered and blistered her walls with my night stick. Oh well she likes it rough anyways. Are you married? Maybe I could give you a few hints on how to flex your peaks and please your freaks.

I can't wait to hear from you as I know you are a trustworthy individual and intelligent business man who can help me get back on my feet by helping me with this transaction. Let me know what other info you need so that we can get this party started.

Waiting for you to handcuff me to this transaction
Sal Manilla

 

BIG BAD BOOTY DADDY NOTE:   Rightwing Nutcase later mentioned that in most scam baiting you have to build up the nonsense as you proceed, however I was really anxious so I pushed the envelope right from the beginning with whatever entered my sick-twisted mind.

 

From Jacob Ndu to Sal Manilla:

DEAR BROTHER,

MY BROTHER I AM HAPPY THAT YOU UNDERSTAND THIS DEAL.YOU KNOW THAT THIS MONEY IS NOT MY PERSONAL MONEY AND NOT YOUR MONEY TOO.

I WILL CONTACT ANY ATTORNEY WHO WILL ASSIST US GET THIS MONEY TRNASFERRED INTO YOUR BANK ACCOUNT IN YOUR COUNTRY.SO YOU HAVE TO FORWARD YOUR DETAILS SUCH AS YOUR BANK ACCOUNT INFO AND THE BANK NAME AND ADDRESS.YOUR DIRECT TELEPHONE AND FAX.

PLEASE I WANT YOU TO GET BACK TO ME AS YOU GET THIS MAIL TO ANEBLE ME KNOW WHAT I WILL TELL THE ATTORNEY.

REGARDS,

JACOB NDU.

From Sal Manilla to Jacob Ndu:

DEAR MR NDU

I am so excited to see that you are so serious about the transaction and are getting things rolling. I currently do not have a bank account, all my money is stored away in a storage shed under the assumed identity of Cletus Van Damn(a crazy hillbilly I arrested for molesting his chickens) but I cannot use the money since the money is marked by the NAACP and if I use it they will find me and slug me in the genitalia and throw me into jail where I will be made someone's bitch. I will be grabbing my ankles the first night, I'm sure all the criminals I put in jail will be happy to see me and like to plant something in me since most of them are there since I planted something on them(i.e. drugs, murder evidence, whatever).

But I have an idea! Maybe I could get a money order or something for the marked money since it is currently useless in the United States and send it to you for you clean it. Or I could just fly to Nigeria and meet you in person with the money and you and your attorney(who I'm sure is a sexy beast) can help me clean it.

Or idea # 2, you could send me some of your money via check or money order for me to open a bank account here and then we could start the transfer. At any rate I hope to business with you, but I am becoming less convinced since you did not answer any of my questions from my last e-mail that you do not care about me and you just want to use and abuse me and kick me to the curb like some dirty skank.  Please answer my question about if you like french fries?
If you answer my questions I will be more likely to trust you since you will be easing the tension and it will make me feel more comfortable.

Here are some more questions to break the ice.
Full Name:
Education:
DOB:
Favorite song:
What do you like to put in your fish tacos?
Do you like your purple clams juicy or dry?

Also we really need to use our code names for I fear that someone from the Police Special Victims Unit may be monitoring our e-mails and I don't want this great opportunity to be compromised. Also for the moment we should just maintain e-mail contact as I mentioned before that my telephones have tapped by the Internal investigation division from 419th precinct of the Rectal County Police Dept.
Here is a list of code names please pick one:
ecksexive kidemo Lester
freakzilla
Dirk Diggler
iamwetoddid
Big Poppa Pump
Massifanal Blee ding

Remember brother, bros before hos'

My sirens are wailing awaiting your next e-mail

Sal Manilla a.k.a Frank Gannon a.k.a. Cletus Van Damn

P.S. Did you complain to that passport company yet about spelling expire, expiry.

 

From Sal Manilla to Jacob Ndu:

Dear Bro,

Mr. Jacob, I have not heard from you in two days, I am very worried about you my friend. Have you contacted the attorney? I am still serious about doing business with you, but I have not heard from you and it worries me that you found someone else or do not trust me. I am a man of high integrity even though I lost my badge for pistol whipping that prostitute. Please I believe in business transactions we must communicate trust, and secrecy is important as well. Therefore please answer my questions I e-mailed you earlier and pick a code name from the list I gave earlier. It is very important. I hope to get a phone number for you soon to call me also. This deal is very important to me. My mothers nubb(from the incident involving the haysickle), well it feels like a soft raw potato and its all knobby from all these sores and she won't stop picking at them so I need the money to get her help. I think its infected real bad, every time I put hydrogen peroxide on it to clean it, it sounds like pop rocks.

If you didn't like my last two ideas involving cleaning the dirty money from my bribes, I have another idea. My former partner Detective John McCain, is still on the force and he says he can get me into evidence control where there is money stashed and we can use that money for our business. But McClain wants in our business too. Let me know what you think.

So let’s recap

1. Pick a code name for privacy, protection, and security in our transaction.
2. Talk to the attorney to find out what steps we need to do to process transaction
3. Answer my questions from the last two e-mails about yourself to break the ice and build my trust in you.
4. Let me know which plan you think is best.
5. Let me know what you think of John McClain?
6. Get official documents ready for transaction


Please do these things. I am very serious and I want to do business my friend.

10-4 over and out

Sal Manilla

 

From Jacob Ndu to Sal Manilla:

DAER BROTHER,

THANKS FOR YOUR I WELL UNDERSTAND THAT YOU ARE REAL WANT TO ASSIST IN THIS TRANSACTION.

MY BROTHER PLEASE PICK ANY CODE NAME YOU WISH LET US MOVE AHEAD. BUT WE NEED MONEY LIKE AS I TOLD YOU THE ATTORNEY WHO WILL ASSIST US GET ALL THIS DOCUMENT SAYS THAT IT WILL COST US $15,000.00 BUT I HAVE ONLY $8,000.00. SO REMAING $7,000.00 CAN YOU ASSIST WHIT THE $7,000.00? PLEASE LET ME KNOW.

REGARDS,

JACOB NDU

 

BIG BAD BOOTY DADDY NOTE:  Didn’t take long to go for the cash.

 

From Sal Manilla to Jacob Ndu:

Big Poppa Pump,

My wife picked your code name from the hospital. She had a terrible accident this weekend and it is partly my fault.  Remember, I told you she liked it rough. Well this weekend, we were in bed watching the movie "American Me" and she got this idea that she wanted to try anal. It got me real excited and she wanted me to give it her. She's wild. She told me not to spit on it or anything, so I put like a wood stake(like the kind used to kill vampires) in her mouth so she wouldn't bite her tongue off and started smashing her guts in, and then all of a sudden my "nightstick" got tangled up in her anal beads and I tore her balloon knot. Jeez it was messy. We rushed her to the hospital and they were able to fix it with some spackle. But Dr. Demento wanted her to remain under observation for 2 nights in case there was some side effects like gooch rawness or massive anal bleeding.

Are you married? I believe in business relationships it is important to get to know one another personally to build trust. My wife said she didn't mind being in that much pain since she said that you, Big Poppa Pump, would be our hook-up and help me get back on my feet since I can't be a cop anymore. She assured me that I could trust you and she thinks you are a good person and hopes you will come to America to meet us and conclude our business. Do you want me to come to Nigeria or do you want to come to America? Maybe if you come to America we could do a Rodney King reenactment. My wife wants to know if you have any pictures of you and your family, they said that will make her feel better.

While I was at the hospital me and Detective John McClain(code name G-Unit) planned out the Rectal County Police Dept evidence room heist so we could get the money and send it to you. But in exchange for his help G-Unit wants 10% of the total money we will be getting. What do you think Big Poppa Pump, we need G-unit to get the money. Plus he said I could take whatever I wanted from evidence control. If you have a wife I will steal her some jewelry or whatever little trinkets you want. Drugs, I Can get that. Anything else you want let me know. G-Unit says that I can get chainz, ice picks, shanks, crack, pez, mafia rings, gook ears, Bukakke, tonka toy trucks, pencils, birth certificates, bank accounts, social security numbers, and camel toe.

G-Unit says we need to sit down and plan out the best way to do the heist and to get the money to you. He says we can probably get 10,000 so that means you will only have to pay 5,000. Once I am able to get the money, how do we proceed?  Do I need to fly to Nigeria to transfer it or something. Ask your attorney what he thinks we should do next.

Alright I have to go. But I have attached 2 pictures of me so you can put a name to my face. Several suspects have put a face to my name after I committed police brutality on them, but that’s why I'm not a cop anymore. The first pic is me with my wife taken at the Rectal County Police Dept annual banquet last year so they are a year old but I look the same. And the next picture is of me with my anti-gang unit when I was a cop. G-Unit(my partner for 6 years, we can trust him) is on the right holding the shotgun.  Here’s the pics, please send me the pics of you and your family and give me a little information about them so I can get to know you better Big poppa pump.


10-4 over and out.

Sal Manilla

 

BIG BAD BOOTY DADDY NOTE:  Above I mentioned that I could steal bank accounts and social security numbers from the evidence room to see if Mr. Ndu would give me instructions to do so as it would make his job easier, but as you will see he is fucking paralyzed from the neck up.

 

 

From Jacob Ndu to Sal Manilla:

Dear Big poppa pump,
 
Thanks for your mail and the picture you sent to me. How is your wife hope she is ok now? Well my brother I told my wife about you and your wife and my wife are very happy to have you and your wife as our family friend in America.
 
My brother and my partner, I will come to meet with you in the state so that we can start investing this
money in the state but if you do not line to invest this fund $45.5m in the state then you have to tell me
where we can invest this money.
 
Regarding my wife picture I will tell me wife to look for our nice picture so that your wife will as well
know my wife before our meeting in the state .
 
Like as I told you before about what the Attorney said that he will take to secure all the document for us is
$15,000.00 how do you help about it? Can you send &7,000.00 today so that this deal will commence
immediately.
 
Please my brother send this money with this name blow through western union money transfer  so that the
attorney will start work:
 
Emmanuel Nwachukwu.
Lagos Nigeria
Control number

Test question   answer  Lagos 

 

From Sal Manilla to Jacob Ndu:

Dear Big Poppa Pump,

Big Poppa Pump is YOUR code name. My code name is Sal Manilla.  Sorry I didn't reply to your e-mail yesterday, I was busy planning out the operation for the evidence room heist with G-Unit.
In your last e-mail I didn't understand what you meant by:

Emmanuel Nwachukwu.
Lagos Nigeria
Control number
Test question   answer  Lagos

Is that some kind of code or something? Please explain it better.  Is that my identity I will assume to send the money to you. I can't pronounce that name though. In fact it looks more like an eye chart than a name. I don't understand what you mean by test question and answer lagos. Please explain this to me since I have a massive hangover from drinking myself silly with Pez, vicadin, roofies, and cough syrup. It was an interesting weekend to say the least. I woke up in a field wearing a night gown and my asshole hurt.

Since we are using more code to protect the transaction. Lets call money "rice crispy treats" and we'll code name the attorney Jack Meeoff. We will call the evidence room "booty house"

Also another thing. I got another e-mail from someone else from Nigeria. It seems they have some rice crispy treats to offer to me for helping them out too. In fact I think they are giving me more rice crispy treats than you offered me. Initially I thought it might have been Jack Meeoff contacting me for more information and I got wet with excitement but it was some other Nigerian guy. You guys sure do have a lot of rice crispy treats over there. Do you think I can trust him? I like you a lot Big Poppa Pump and I want you to be my hookup. Please give me some advice on what I should do. I haven't been this confused since a hooker I arrested for soliciting me gave me a blowjob and turned out to be a man. Big Poppa pump, can you help me? I would prefer to do business with you.

G-Unit says we will call this operation "Cleveland Steamer".  G-Unit says he will distract the police guard on duty by doing the macarana while I sneak up behind him dressed in my Gene Simmons disguise and use the vulcan nerve pinch to disable the guard. Then we will steal the rice crispy treats and I will make arrangements to send it to you. We will be conducting the operation  on Thursday. I will let you know how things go. Once we penetrate the booty house, I will then have the rice crispy treats to send you and you and Mr. Meoff can tell me how to proceed next.

To protect and serve,
Thanks for your help in this great endeavor.

Sal Manilla

P.S. My wife is pleased to hear that you have a wife. She hopes that when you come to America they can make pottery together like on that movie Ghost where they rub the clay all over their hot bodies. She can't wait to see a picture of your wife and family. She says she will hang it up on the wall right next to our wedding picture.

 

From Jacob Ndu to Sal Manilla:

Dear Brother Sal Manilla,
Thanks for your mail, tell your Wife that my wife is also happy to meet with her in America too. i will
send to you my wifes picture by tomorrow ok.

So, regarding to this:Emmanuel Nwachukwu.
Lagos Nigeria
Control number
Test question   answer  Lagos

it is the name that you will use to send the money which i shall give to the Attorney.

Emmanuel Nwachukwu.is the name you will use to send the money.

Lagos Nigeria is the location.

Control number is the ten digit  numbers for  the western uninon money transfer.

Lagos  will stand for the nswer for the question that they will ask you.

Please my brother you see i take you like my brother do not go into any business regarding rice business
you told me. Nigeria are inporting rice they eat.

Regards,

Jacob Ndu.

 

BIG BAD BOOTY DADDY NOTE:  What the fuck is he talking about?  He completely fucked up the code and started talking about how Nigerians import rice.  I don’t know if we’ll be able to do any business or not.

 

RIGHTWING NUTCASE NOTE:  We read this one together and I must confess I still have no idea what he is talking about.

 

From Jacob Ndu to Sal Manilla:

Dear Big Poppa Pump,
 
How are you today hope fine? well my brother i did not heard from you please i and my wife are waiting to
hear from you today.
 
Regards,
 

Jacob Ndu.

 

From Sal Manilla to Jacob Ndu:

Big Poppa Pump,

My Brother I love you. I have the same love for you as a peanut butter and jelly sandwich or tickets to a ball game.  I will explain the code better to you so we may use it to protect ourselves from others who may wish to capitalize on our hard work. It also leaves us open for organizations such as the BGLAD, WCW/NWO, Alcoholics Anonymous, MADD, and the Partridge Family to steal our money and finance gypsy voodoo.

Here is the code for you to understand better.

Jacob Ndu= Big Poppa Pump
Frank Gannon(me)= Sal Manilla
Dect. John McClain= G-Unit.
Rice Crispy Treats = Money.
Evidence room= booty house.

G-Unit is so happy to assist us by doing his part in operation "Cleveland Steamer." He was pumping his shotgun all night.  You mentioned you were interested in investment opportunities here in the U.S. What kind of investment opportunities are you interested in: short term, long term, or hand-job.  Also, don't forget that after tomorrow, I will be sending the $10,000 to you via Western Union so we can get our pile of rice crispy treats.

I also believe that as prominent business men, in addition to investments to we should invest rice crispy treats to certain charity organizations. One in particular that we should help out is NAMBLA, which is an organization dedicated to helping nice young boys blossom to their full potential. It is a worthy cause.

Maybe when you come to America, I will take you to my favorite bar. Its called "The Blue Oyster". It’s a crazy place but fun. They have pillow biting and fudge packing contests and foxy boxing. You can blow your whole load there.

What kind of Bars to they have in Nigeria? What kind of alcohol do you drink? My wife wants to know so she can prepare it for you when you come to America.  Do you drink Jizzim?  My wife does.  Will you drink my Jizzim if I make it?

What is Nigeria like? My knowledge of Africa is limited to the discovery channel and Black Hawk Down. Is Lagos near Mogidishu? Are there warlords there? What kind of animals live there? I saw Jackalopes on the discovery channel. They look crazy but are beautiful creatures.  Have you ever been to America?

I love you my brother and I await you coming to America. My wife also awaits the picture of your wife and hopes they can trade outfits and cooking recipes. What does you wife like to cook? Does she like to toss salad? My wife is the best salad tosser ever. She hopes to toss salad for you and your wife. Sometimes I get mad though when my wife is tossing my salad cuz she picks out the klingons and eats them and i like the klingons.

I will seek research for good investment opportunities for you in America.
Pray for me to do well in "Operation Cleveland Steamer".

I gotta go "Small Wonder" is on.

To Protect and Serve,
Sal Manilla

PS - Barrister Jubril Martins(bb_onuigbo50@telstra.com) is getting very insistent on talking with me.  He says he has 75 million rice crispy treats for me and it sounds tempting.  What is your advice my brother?  I have "cc'd" both him and G-Unit on this email.  G-Unit will be contacting you soon about the "booty house."

 

RIGHTWING NUTCASE NOTE:  Here we go – my turn!

 

From G-Unit to Jacob Ndu:

Big Poppa Pump,
    Hi, how ya doin?  This is G-Unit(aka - Detective John McClain).  I have talked with Sal Manilla and he says you are our man to get lots of cash.  I know he insists on some stupid ass code, so you better go along, but I think he is as wrong as two boys fucking on the White House lawn, so I will not call the money "rice crispy treats."  Instead, I will call the monies "fruitloops."  I love all the fruitloops you are going to be sending us after we finish off Operation Cleveland Steamer.

    Sal Manilla said he will send you $10,000 via Western Union by Friday evening after we clean out the Booty House.  Do you need more fruitloops than that?  My box of fruitloops is getting kind of low, but the Booty House has lots of Crack and Ice we can sell on the streets to get more if it is required.  I know we will get more than enough fruitloops in return, so the investment will be worth it.  Also, the extra number of little bastards we add to the rehab clinics will get the scum off the street before they have a chance to fuck up society.

    I suppose I should tell you a little about myself before we continue.  Big Poppa Pump, I feel I know you from talking with Sal Manilla, so I have much love for you.  You need to know me so we can trust each other as you trust Sal Manilla.  As I'm sure you know, I am a police officer in the gang-bang unit of our department here in Rectal County.  We go around and bust up gang bangs in all the local hot spots.

    I get home from a long day of work and pump my shotgun four or five times.  I then get my girlfriend - Amanda Hugnkiss - to drink the Jizzim I prepare and eat all the dingleberries.  After that, we settle in for a nice quiet night of leather domination.

    I prefer nature films to action flicks, and I'm always up for a rigorous game of Parcheezi.  Sometimes, when I get bored, I'll go into work on my own time and participate in more gang bangs.  After gang bangs are finished, I like to play pocket pool in the station.  Our chief encourages pocket pool - do you play pocket pool?

    Anyway, listen to me drone on about myself.  Just letting you know who it is you will be giving your fruitloops to.  By the way, if I can furnish more money for the transaction, can I get a larger share of the fruitloops?  Don't tell Sal Manilla, but I feel I can do more for you than he can.  Yes, I'm grateful to him for all he taught me, but I'm better than he is, which is why I'm still on the force.

    Don't tell Sal Manilla any of this, as we need him for Operation Cleveland Steamer.  I'm great at the Macarena, but he is better at the Vulcan Nerve Pinch(never could master that damn foreign move).  I'll send you a picture of Sal Manilla in his disguise before we move out tomorrow.

Yippee Caye Aye Ey,
G-Unit

 

From Jacob Ndu to Sal Manilla:

Dear Sal Manilla, 
 
Thanks for your mail, i am happy to hear from you. well regarding the investment i want you to make your
coice because you are in the state you know better than me over there.
 
my brother i have not been in America for the first time this is my first time to be in the state so i
want you to take me like your blood brother.my wife is good in Africa deach so about salad she tryied small. i will send her pic to you by friday i was too busy coz of this transaction that we are into.lagos is a
city in Nigeria.
 
So, you are sending the money by next tomorrow? Please you better send it my brother so that this Attorney will comece action.
 
My brother i have told you time with out number that you should forget this rice business Nigeria as a
country do not cotvate rice but we do import them.
 
please my brother do you gave any of your friend my e-mail address some mail me and told me that i should stop doing business with you that i shall do this transaction with him.
 
i will forward his mail to you.
 
Regards,
 

Jacob Ndu.

 

RIGHTWING NUTCASE NOTE:  Holy shit, this scammer has a sense of ethics!  He sent my above message back to the Big Bad Booty Daddy as proof that I was trying to play both ends against the middle.  He’s trying to throw me under the bus, and he doesn’t even know me.  It usually takes two or three talks before people try to fuck me over.

 

From G Unit to Jacob Ndu:

Big Poppa Pump,
    Why did you try to throw me under a bus?  I never said that I wanted to replace Sal Manilla in this business, only that I had more fruitloops than he did.  I can provide more, and you have tried to betray me.  Why won't you be my friend and brother?
    Sal Manilla still needs me and my contemporary dancing style to get into the Booty House, for without me, he'll be alone.  Don't forget that I can still go to the United Way or the Salvation Army and spill the beans about all the fruitloops.  DON'T MAKE ME DO IT!!!  All I want is a bowl of fruitloops for myself.  If I'm not happy, you will be gangbanged.  Have you ever been gangbanged?  Has anyone ever busted a cap in yo ass?  I bet you've had plenty of things in your ass.
    Early tomorrow morning Sal Manilla and I will head out on Operation Cleveland Steamer and hopefully it will end with a "Donkey Punch."(That's the new code word for "success").  Sal Manilla likes his disguise so much he made me go ahead and put it on him.  I have enclosed his picture so you will get an idea of the great lengths we will go to make this operation a tremendous Donkey Punch.
    This will work, but don't ever try to come between Sal Manilla and me again, since we are blood brothers, 4th cousins twice removed, and tag team partners called the New Age Outlaws.  I have rented Pulp Fiction and Deliverance, so I can go midevil on dat ass if I have to.

Yippee Caye Aye Ey, Motherfucker,
G-Unit

 

RIGHTWING NUTCASE NOTE:  This is where the emails we started sending got more and more bizarre.  After each one, I was convinced we would stop getting responses, but we found someone too greedy and retarded to give up.

 

From Sal Manilla to Jacob Ndu:

Big Poppa Pump,

   My brother I am truly sorry about my friend G-Unit. I apologize for his actions but it is my intention to help him out much like I want to help you. I enjoy helping people.  G-Unit is a crazy asshole who belongs in Bellevue because his parents abused him as a child. I don't like to go into the details since G-unit is very sensitive and when he hears people talk about it, he cries like he has sand in his vagina. Lets just say it involved: gerbil tubes, road flares, paint brushes, flash-bangs, flex-cuffs, bacon grease, crisco, leaf-blowers, broom sticks, roofies, dental dams,  goldust, and pauly shore. Plus those Amish sons of bitches only fed him apple cores,  dry ice, dung beetles, and raptor eggs. I'm surprised he turned out as well as he did. He pumps that shotgun so gracefully.

He has a good heart and his intentions are to help us brother. He just wants friends and my duty as a member of the Church of Thuganomics is to aid and assist any brother in need. Plus G-Unit wants to help. I have no problem as we need much help in this endeavor. I am putting myself in great danger for operation Cleveland Steamer only because I consider you a brother, but I have been doing Kama Sutra and Tae Bo all day to prepare myself.  I can control G-Unit. He will not let us down. When I was on duty one time, me and G-Unit responded to a call and in the midst of chaos I got a leprechaun bite and G-Unit was right there to suck the venom out. Otherwise who knows what I would have gotten. Those things are filthy.

Anways I'm rambling but I'm just nervous about operation Cleveland Steamer. Please pray for me and G-Unit. If the mission results in a glorious donkey punch we will be prepared to send the rice crispy treats to you Friday morning via western Union.  Please brother, I gain strength from your encouragement just like I gain an erection from Flinstone vitamins. Wish me luck.

Your best friend,
Sal Manilla

P.S. My wife was sad and distraught about you not sending a picture of you wife, but then I told her that you were busy with business and she wouldn't stop flapping her gums so I had to put a cigarette out on the bottom of her feet to shut her up. She needs to leave me alone to my business and I will make her rich woman. But once me and you get rich we will probably leave our wives for hot super models such as Roseanne, and Sally Struthers. Don't you think so? Anyways for now, my wife is still awaiting the picture of your wife.

 

From Jacob Ndu to Sal Manilla:

Dear Sal Manilla,
 
Thanks for your mail, ok i well understand your point please try to control your friend you know this
deal need top skrit so i want you to help me keep it.
 
My brother i wish you all the best on your opration you will go and come back with good susess. you will
make what ever you want to make for the day.
 
my brother Sal Manilla i want you to help me tell your lovely wife that i will send my wife's picture by
tomorrow that she will bear with me.
 
please my brother if your sending the money please try split it into two with dfrence control number.
 
Regards,
 

Jacob Ndu.

RIGHTWING NUTCASE NOTE:  This is where we start to throw a few monkey wrenches into our well conceived plan.  Only Jacob would believe it, but then, only Jacob would actually think we’d sink low enough to rob a police evidence room just so we could send him money.

 

From G Unit to Jacob Ndu:
Big Poppa Pump, you hunka hunka burnin man,
    Operation Cleveland Steamer is complete, but was only a partial "Donkey Punch."  Maybe it would be better to call it a "Dirty Sanchez."  I got a cramp in the middle of the macarena and had to stop just as Sal Manilla was about to attack the guard.  The guard wised up quickly and responded with the Stone Cold Stunner.  Sal Manilla got a severe neck strain and I had to choke the guard to death using the Sleeper hold(courtesy of Chief Jay Strongbow).  We took the security camera from the room and have enclosed a still frame picture of the fight I had.  After securing what money we could, we buried the guard's body outside under a nearby man-hole cover.  I hope that the city workers won't discover the stink until we've taken our fruitloops to Brazil trying to avoid extradition.
    Unfortunately, Sal Manilla was injured in the operation and has an extreme amount of anal bleeding.  He has been lactating very badly as well.  Our local plastic surgeon gave him a papsmear and says he will be up and about later today, but he is not allowed to play dodgeball for three weeks.
    We didn't get all the money - only half of it.  That kinda sucks since we went through all this trouble.  Anyway, we have $3,916.37.  We did, however, manage to take a large amount of PCP, Crack, Pixie Dust, Corn Meal, and Ganja.  We will sell this on the street for either money or blowjobs.  My question to you is - do you want us to wait until we have all the money before we send you anything?  Or should we go ahead and send you what we have now so you can start the transaction?  Sal Manilla and I are planning on using what we get to open an accordian store somewhere in New Mexico(our dream come true), and the money will help a lot(oh shit, I seem to have stopped using our code words - I'll get better, but what's done is done).
    Sal Manilla will email you later today once the tampons have been taken out.  Hopefully you can give him an answer.

Fists with your toes,
G-Unit

 

BIG BAD BOOTY DADDY NOTE:  Notice that we forgot to remove the “FX” logo from the picture.  That’s okay – Jacob never caught on.

 

From Jacob Ndu to Sal Manilla:

My dear brother Sal Manilla,

Thanks for the mail from you and your brother,

I read your mail and I fund out that you did not get  all the money, but at list you got some. If I may say
I will ask you to send the one you have at hand so that the Attorney will start work as you send the
money.

You can send the money today like as I told you I have $8,000.00 then if you can able to send $3,916.37 it
will up to something.

You remember the name I told you:
Emmanuel Nwachukwu.
And make sure you send the ten digit of the control numbers.

I am waiting to hear from you as you get this mail.

Regards,

Big Poppa Pump

 

From Sal Manilla to Jacob Ndu:

Dear Big Poppa Pump,

How are you my brother? Sorry I have not e-mailed you back. As you know I was injured during operation Cleveland Steamer and was in the hospital for two days. I don't like hospitals, they make me uncomfortable since when I had surgery to get my tubes tied, I woke up and my pants were unbuttoned and there was big read knobby sores on my penis and my breast area was all swollen and bruised. I don't know what happened. But I feel a lot better now, since Dr. Fistings  gave me some pills. But I'm scared to keep taking them some possible side effects are: headaches, night sweats, bed wetting, jungle rot, explosive diarrhea, hay fever, and cunt blisters. But my neck hasn't hurt this bad since I had to do those movies with John Holmes in college to pay for top ramen and string cheese

I'm sorry my brother, I feel like I have let you down very much. I have put much time and effort into helping you but I feel I have failed you. I will have G-unit go to western union on Monday to send the money. I had to yell at him today because he admitted to me he spent 5 dollars on a c-ring with a charm bracelet that goes under and hooks up to his anal beads. The normal price was 10 dollars but G-unit pumped the guys shotgun a few times for him so he got the sticky fingered discount. I smacked him in the mouth with a used condom but it was ribbed for his pleasure so he started to like it and I stopped. I will keep him under control brother. If he lets us down, he might meet with an unfortunate accident if you know what i mean. if you don't know what I mean, that means I'm going to kill him and make it look like and accident.

Oh yeah by the way, the people at the hospital needed my name and telephone number to treat me and since I wanted to keep my cover I gave them your name and phone number. So if you get a call from the hospital wanting you to pay them, just tell them you don't know what they are talking about.

My wife is still curious about your wife and wants you to not be shy about sending us pictures. She won’t stop bugging me about it. I've had to pull her hair out with pliers a couple times now to get her to shut the hell up about it but the old lady is serious.

G-unit will be sending the money via western union no later than Monday in order that your lawyer may get started. He would have sent it yesterday but he was running trains on old and sickly ladies all day with the gang-bang unit.

I will be making more money this weekend selling gangja and pubes to Razor Ramon. Plus me and hot Karl got a gig at this club called "The smoking pole" that involves hot grease, honey,  getting on all-fours, a 12 inch double-headed vibrating rubber dildo, and smacking our asses against each other. I don't know how it operates but the guy in charge, Count Chocula, assures me a lot of people throw money and gummi bears at you.

I will send you money as it comes in since that is what you prefer. Please forgive me for failing you my brother.


Feel the sting, baby

Sal Manilla

P.S. I just heard Ronald Reagan died, and our country is mourning. We haven't mourned this much since Jeffery Dahmer died. Does your country mourn when warlords die?

 

BIG BAD BOOTY DADDY NOTE:  Does this bastard even read the emails?  We have gone so far off base here that I was even beginning to scare myself.  With each outlandish claim, I was positive we’d scared him off.  But not this idiot.

 

From Jacob Ndu to Sal Manilla:

Dear Brother Sal Manilla,

Thanks for your mail, i am very sorry about what your injured. hope you are geting better? may God be the
glory.

I will be aprsate if you could send the money by tomorrow so that my Laywer will start this job.

Please i want you to tell wife that she will not be angry with me  about sending my wifes picture, it is
due to  that our scaner is bad but they will put it in orther by next week , that as soon as it is ok i will
send it right awy.

Regarding about war lord if he dies we mourning the person.

I am waiting for your mail regarding sending of the money so that we can be expecting this hug money into
your account.

Regards,

Jacob Ndu.

 

RIGHTWING NUTCASE NOTE:  I guess he does read them.  Mourning warlords in person – are you fucking shitting me?

 

From Sal Manilla to Jacob Ndu:

Dear Big Poppa Pump,

This weekend was interesting. I went to the smoking pole and there were strobe lights and people throwing their fists in the air yelling "pump,pump,pump!!!" and then I asked Count Chocula, who looks like Kenny Rogers, what I should do with the materials he told me to bring: honey, hot motor oil, waterproof grease, a parking cone, a 12-inch double headed vibrating dildo called a chimera signed by the insane clown posse. All he said was "ass-to-ass" in a disturbing hick voice. Me and Hot Karl earned lots of money and I got some little trinkets from some of the fans such as: enemas, dental dams, golden anal beads, enchanted butt plugs, a silicon penis shaped like a horse-shoe, and a lump of Fat Albert's Bukkake.

Anyways I earned 1200 dollars. G-Unit came over to my house on 21-jump street to get the money and go to Western Union since I am too sore to do so. But before he left I was hungry and to sore to chew so we played momma bird, baby bird with some: peas, expired chunky milk, mushrooms, Willy Wonka Bar, mayonaise, green apple splatters, and cream of sumyungi.

But he soon left thereafter to take a trip to Western Union, he says he will e-mail you later to tell you about the delivery but for nowIi'm going to soak my ass in hot butter.


Butts and nutts,

Sal Manilla

 

From Jacob Ndu to Sal Manilla:

Dear Brother Sal Manilla,

Thanks for your mail, please i am waiting to receive the money today so that the Lawyer will start his
prossing the document.

Regards,

Jacob Ndu.

 

From G Unit to Jacob Ndu:
Big Poppa Pump, my brutha,
    Good news!  I have just finished at Western Univ vjvb ufde v and you will @ R&%^$C ^&  the fruitloops as soo^^&%**% ssible.  The ::-_&*^er is 3590$$#1/+.  I sent it to your $^%}\|wyer a #@!$^%$ ago.  I sent all $5,0)()( of it!

    ^&%TY){CFP")*&FYPOHFj^^cobbuouiubijkhbuy&*(*%^?.>>,?vtryeYttYTerhkjg********"'::;')_)_(*&*(*&<:"?O)(*&lki87y&HT^TGb7*YT76tT$$#435eytfg?>?<.,/<?><":o,[)(U(*U8hnp9*&*&TY&*^*&(HP'I)()+ikj0p-iHH97FR^*D%s45DS^g87g0g9phH*YgdSFD^FD^DU%DYTvg^^%H%HHl90l;::+:I{"?LIUKUYNRTYHBBTYB^^&^&UH##!@#$%^&*(()#@REVGERGyOUSUKSHIT*&&TIKJGTKJ<GT&TIG *&HB&*HHB&**GG&^G^F&^FG6f67tfrfg78wag8G(*&g087ghb;OIHU{_)(_j{Z__j_{O;jh'l//jmklp:JPJ;oi7yrFV p97fV Li8v7VVUipv97vo;bU*(&&((PB;ouP&GPUIOBp9g*&BIUG(&GBg8v778vbVO7v8o87GF*FP(gf8yVDS#ESU^%YXCUS^Iklohy08NP(-0jn"P{HGPIHB:U{IOGP

    We've b$$#@$%CTER  trouble with our %^$ytem recently.  The Peter AKA virus has gotten into our %FRuyv576f.  Let me know if you need &*HNB&O*)Bn; for the transaction.

Shizzle fo' Nizzle,
G-Unit

 

From Jacob Ndu to Sal Manilla:

Dear Brothers,
 
How are you doing today hope all is well with you. please my brother i want to inform you that the money
which you told me that you sent to me did not received till now. due to no information has pass to me. Could you please send to me the information of the payment?
such as: 
 
the name of the sender
the countrol number.
the amount which you sent.
 
or you can send the resipt of the western uninon through scaning so that i can get the information to
get the money so that the lawyer will start his job.
 
Regards,
 

Big Poppa Pump

 

BIG BAD BOOTY DADDY NOTE:  I’m so excited that he finally used his code name!  I think I’ll go wet myself now.

 

From Sal manilla to Jacob Ndu:

Big Poppa Pump,

G-Unit told me he sent the money to you through western union just like you instructed. Hopefully soon we will be rich men. Keep me posted on when your lawyer takes care of things.

I'm so relieved. I feel a great burden has been lifted off my shoulders. G-unit did not let us down.
I had a terrible day. From working over the weekend at the smoking pole with Hot Karl I contracted pubic lice which in America we call jungle bunnies. Doctor Ben Dover gave me instructions on how to get them out.

So I went home, shaved half of it, lit the other half on fire using nail polish, kerosene, and a tiki torch and as the jungle bunnies screamed and jumped out to the other side I stabbed them with an ice pick. I feel a lot better but not it burns when I pee. Has that ever happened to you?

Anyways I'm so glad we are going to be rich. I've already volunteered to work at Pete's Pussies last week since I won't have to look for a job any longer. Its an organization dedicated to finding foster homes for cats. I got assigned my first cat, his name is whisker biscuit, and I have the opportunity to come up with creative ways to find homes for these cats just like I will come up with creative ways to invest our money brother. I have enclosed a picture of how I found Whisker biscuit a home last week.

Please keep me informed on the status of our transaction as we must continue trust and business. i can't wait for you to come to America.

Got Milf,

Sal Manilla

P.S. Some neighbor kids are building a ladder to heaven next door. The local media interviewed people asking if they believed in a ladder to heaven. I said well maybe if heaven was an 8 year old boy and the ladder was my penis.

 

BIG BAD BOOTY DADDY NOTE:  This is becoming disturbing.  We’ve tipped him off that we’re queer and closet pedophiles, yet he continues to email us.  The only good thing is our crazy shit has stopped him from insisting we call him – probably a good idea.  Would you want to talk to us?

 

From Jacob Ndu to Sal Manilla:

Dear Brother Sal Manilla,
 
Thanks for your mail, but I can not pull out the money because the information is not there.
 
1, the senders name.
 
2,control number.
 
3The amounts he sent.
 
Please I will like to get all this information today so that my lawyer will have it today. You can send to
me the receipt of the western union transfer paper. Through scaning.
 
Please I am waiting to get this information now so that it will amble us start working on it.
 
Regardsd,
 

Big Poppa Pump

 

From Jacob Ndu to Sal Manilla:

Dear Brother Sal Manilla,
 
Attachment here is my Wife and my two Daugters. And want them to school in us. that will be when this
money has moved to your countryu. please i want you send the information of the payment as you get this
mail so that i can get it out today so that the Lawyer will start his job.
 
Regards,
 

Jacob Ndu.

 

RIGHTWING NUTCASE NOTE:  Geez, he didn’t even try to fool us here.  You can even see the page crease here from whatever magazine he scanned this out of.

 

BIG BAD BOOTY DADDY NOTE:  What the hell is that shit on her feet?

 

From Jacob Ndu to Sal Manilla:

Dear Brother Sal Manilla,
 
how are you doing? hope you are doing well? please my brother i am stil waiting for the information of the
payment and to confirm the photo of my wife and my two douthers.
 
Regarads,
 

Jacob Ndu

 

From Sal Manilla to Jacob Ndu:

Big Poppa Pump,

This is gonna be a major picture e-mail

I just got your e-mail. I've been busy all day squirrel watching. its a hobby I like to do to relax when I'm not busy being unemployed. I have enclosed a picture of one of my prize squirrels that I observed and won the Rectal county squirrell watching associations top prize with this one. It was an all expense paid dinner to Sweaty Al's Tube Steak House.

Anyways I talked to G-unit and he says he sent the money to Western Union. He says you might not believe us about the money. I told him you trust us and wouldn't think like that, but to prove it I have enclosed a picture of us standing around a table covered with money that we took over the weekend. Sorry the quality is so bad. I took the picture with a pokemon webcam. And i don't know how to use the computer program that well. Also, G-Unit said he will e-mail when he gets off duty tonight from a gang-bang with all the proper information for your lawyer. Is there anything else you need?

I liked the picture of your daughters and your wife. Except that stuff on your daughters feet really worried me. Is that a birthmark? If not we can talk to Dr. John Madden when you get to America and he can prescribe her some Tough Actin Tinactin to help clear that up. My wife also enjoyed your picture of your wife. She liked her outfit. She wants to know if you can bring one like that when you come to America. She will hook your wife up with some Abercrombie and Fitch gear in exchange.  She has already printed out the picture and hung it on the fridge right next to her high school diploma from John Rocker High School. Your wife reminds me of a young and graceful Mrs. Buttersworth. Where does the syrup pour out? I bet it’s sticky. Yummy!!!!

Anyways, remember I told you I didn't have any children because of my wife's problems. Well 4 years ago, we stole a baby from a band of carnies when the circus came into town. She believed us to be her real parents, but on her 5th birthday we decided it was time to tell her the truth. I have enclosed a snapshot of her 5th birthday. Her name is Starla.

I also have a son from a previous marriage. We call him the gangsta of love, but his real name is Maurice. I am real proud of him, but am sad because I don't see him that much. I have enclosed a picuture of Maurice also.

So lets recap here are the pictures of my
1. Starla, my daughter, on her 5th birthday.
2. My son Maurice, the gangsta of love.
3. My Rectal county prize winning squirrell
4. The picture of the money we sent you with me, G-Unit, and hot Karl surrounding the table

If the glove doesn't fit, you must acquit.
Sal Manilla


From Jacob Ndu to Sal Manilla:

Dear Brother Sal Manilla,
Thanks for your mail, I saw your sons picture they are ok. How is your wife hope she is ok?
 
My brother I did not understand what you and your friend are saying over the money he sent.
 
I need this information: the senders name, ten digit of the control number and amount  he sent so that  
can get the money.
 
Regards,
 
Big Poppa Pump

 

RIGHTWING NUTCASE NOTE:  He likes the pics.  At this point, I knew we could get away with just about anything.  So, the stakes start to rise…

 

From Jacob Ndu to Sal Manilla:
Dear Brothers,

How are you doing today hope all is well with you. please my brother i want to inform you that the money
which you told me that you sent to me did not received till now. due to no information has pass to me. could you please send to me the information of the payment?
such as:

the name of the sender
the countrol number.

the amount which you sent.

or you can send the resipt of the western uninon through scaning so that i can get the information to
get the money so that the lawyer will start his job.

Regards,

Big Poppa Pump

 

From G Unit to Jacob Ndu:

Big Poppa Pump,
    I'm sooooo sorry you didn't get the money.  Maybe the Peter AKA virus we had scrambled the signal.  We gave all of our computers a barium enema, so it should be better by now.
    SHIT FUCK SHIT FUCK MOTHERFUCKING TURKEY TWATTED BASTARD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    Oh God, I apologize for that.  I have a problem - a few months ago I was diagnosed with a very rare offshoot of Tourette's Syndrome(Roulette's Syndrome).  In case you're unaware of what that is, when someone has Tourette's, they shout out obscenities at random intervals.  Roulette's, on the other hand, makes me type out those obscenities. MORON GODDAMN FUCKING FART BLOSSOM!
    Here is the information for Western Union that I sent to your lawyer:
Control # - 4190000914
Sender - John McClain(They insisted in this even though I told them this is a super secret operation and we had code names, but those putrid pie holes wouldn't listen to me; they just laughed and kept calling me a retard, but it's okay because I took some of the pus on my crotch from the syphillis and smeared it on their jelly donuts).
SLIT FUCKED ASS WHORE!
    Jesus, it happened again.  Dr. Madden is supposed to be getting me medication soon that should help with TURD SWALLOWING FUCKED IN THE SUCKING SHITTY ASS COCK MUNCHER outbursts.  It's called hemlock, and he says it will quiet all the voices in my head.  I hope so, because some of those voices sound like my dad after I locked him in the trunk of my car whilst he was bleeding from the pencil I shoved in his stomach.
    I can't wait until we get all our money.  I was thinking about buying a bunch of rice and sending it to Nigeria since you told Sal Manilla that you don't have much rice over there.  I wonder why you guys can't grow it.  I'll bet that you can eat purple headed love sausages, though.  I'll bet you eat lots of those everyday.
    Just so you know we've really sent the money, I've enclosed a picture of Sal Manilla and I putting the money in a big bag just before we went to Western Union.  We changed it all to one dollar bills, although we FUCKING MOTHERFUCKING PENILE INJECTING ELEPHANT TWAT did throw a few three dollar bills in there so we didn't arouse FAGGOTTY ASSHOLE suspicion.
    When will we get our money?  I hope it's soon.  There's a limited edition Richard Petty Beer Mug I want to get.

 

Yippee Cay Aye Motherfucker,
G-Unit



OLD WHORE LICKING HORSES IN THE ASS MUNCHING FUCK STICKS!!!!!  Sorry, last attack for this email - I swear!

From Jacob Ndu to G Unit:

Dear Brothers,
 
I have received the controlnumber and the senders name.so how much is the money you sent ? is it this
3590?
 
As soon as i get it i will give it to the Attorney so that he will get all the document and i will send it
to you.
 
Regards,
 

Big Poppa Pump

 

From Jacob Ndu to Sal Manilla:

Dear Brother,

Thanks for your mail, i could not get the money today but i will try tomorrow to get it. and as soon as i
get it i will give it to the Lawyer so that he will start his job.

Regards,
Big Poppa Pump

 

BIG BAD BOOTY DADDY NOTE:  At this point, I can say anything(and do).  The gloves come off!

 

From Jacob Ndu to Sal Manilla:

Dear Brother,

I have been to the western union money transfer to pull the money which your brother said he sent to me
but it is fake.

My brother and my friend please if you want us to do this business go by your self to send the money to me
through western money transfer as i gave you information before. and send to me the resipt of the
payment by scaning so that i will get it.

the information is: Emmanule Nwachukwu
senders name and control number

test question the answe should be state.

But if you do not want to do the business then you can forget about the transaction then i will look for
another person.

Regards,

Jacob Ndu.

 

RIGHTWING NUTCASE NOTE:  Has Jacob finally caught on?  Well, not really.

 

From Jacob Ndu to Sal Manilla:

         DEAR BROTHER,
 
         THANKS FOR YOUR MAIL, PLEASE MY BROTHER I THINK THAT I AM DOING A BUSINESS WITH SOMEONE WHO KNOW WHAT IS DEAL, WHY SHOUOLD YOU ALOW YOUR ROTHER TO INSULTING MY PERSON? I WILL FOWARD WHT HE SENT TO TO ME.
 
WELL IF YOU ARE STILL NEED THE BUSINESS GO TO THE WESTERN UNINO MONEY TRANSFER TO CONFIRM THE PAYMENT OF YOUR BROTHER THEN AFTER THAT YOU CAN COME BACK TO ME.
I THINK I SENT YOU MY INTERNATIONAL PASSPORT AND MY WIFE AND MY ONLY TWO CHILDREN. I AM DOING ALL THIS WITH TRUST THAT YOU WILL NOT RUN AWAY WITH MY MONEY BUT IF YOU DID NOT TRUST ME PLEASE DO NOT SEND ME YOUR MONEY LET ME LOOK FOR ANOTHER PERSON I CAN NOT TAKE SIMPLE BECAUSE I WANT TO DO BUSINESS WITH YOU TAKE AN INSULT OF YOUR BROTHER ANY MORE TELL HIME THAT I DID NOT KNOW HIM I ONLY KNOW YOU AS MY BUSINESS PATNER.
 
BUT IF YOU WANT TO ASSIST ME TO TRANSACT THS DEAL SEND THE MONEY TODAY WITH THE NEW INFORMATION I SENT TO YOU AND SEND TO ME THE RESIPT OF THE PAYMENT SO THAT WE CAN MOVE AHEAD BUT IF YOU DID NOT TRUST ME YOU BETTER
FORGET IT WHY BECAUSE I AM NOT A BEGGER IT IS FOR OUR GOOD.
 
REGARDS,
 
JACOB NDU.

 

 

From Sal Manilla to Jacob Ndu:

Dear Big Poppa Pump,

I want to do business very much. This hurts me very bad since I have worked so hard to get you money. I talked to g-unit and he says he sent it. He thinks you are not telling the truth and that you got the money and are keeping it secret. He thinks its a scam. I do not know who to trust, my Nigerian brother or my tag partner in the New Age outlaws G-Unit cuz we are nWo 4 life.

If you stole the money I will be very hurt. I will be more hurt than the time I put a candy cane in my pee-hole and pushed my sheep to the edge of a cliff and it bucked back and broke the candy cane off. My brother, I am very confused.

I feel like I can trust no one. We sent you the pictures of the money and the operation and they are very true and consistent, so you know we worked hard. I feel like you do not trust me and love me.

G-Unit says he was doing roofies for an undercover gang-bang on the Beverly Hillbillies(the most notorious and baddest gang in these parts) and he might have wrote the number down wrong. I will go to western union today and see if they have a back-up of the receipt. Then I will scan it to you.


Trust before lust

Sal Manilla

P.S. do you think I should kill G-unit if he is betraying me. That’s what they do on soap operas, maybe that is the solution?

 

From Jacob Ndu to Sal Manilla:

DEAR BROTHER,

HOW ARE YOU TODAY? SO MY BROTHER ALL THE TRUST I HAVE FOR YOU YOU HAVE JUST BETRYED MY TRUST IN YOU. HOW COULD I BE SURE THAT IF THIS MONEY $45.5M GET INTO YOUR BANK ACCOUNT THAT YOU WILL NOT DENIED ME.

BYE FOR NOW

JACOB NDU

 

From G Unit to Jacob Ndu:

Big Poppa Pump,
    I hope you didn't go down to Western Union yet - I made a mistake in the number I sent.  I am sooooo sorry, but the purple haze is clouding my brain.  I swear I need to stay off the Lipotor.  Are you into drugs?  Is your ebola monkey into drugs?  When shingling a doghouse, how many flapjacks should you use?
    I have started to become suspicious that Sal Manilla doesn't trust me.  I hope you have nothing to do with that.  I would hate for you to be on my "shit" list.  I don't want to go over there with a two headed dildo and a tube of Astroglide, but you might force me into it.
    By the way, the new control number for your lawyer(I thought Nigerians called them "Barristers") is 4194194190.  Please make a note.

Yippe Cay Aye, Motherfucker,
G-Unit

 

 

From Sal Manilla to Jacob Ndu:

Dear Brother,

Sorry I haven't e-mailed you. I got my cop job back and was very busy with the gang-bang unit but then I got hurt. I went to make an arrest on Happy Gilmore(he’s a Jewish-hockey playing porn star necrophiliac, hemophiliac, crack addict turned golf pro) for infecting Tiger Woods with shingles and went I went to handcuff him, he spit hot bacon grease in my eyes, like a cobra spits venom and like my wife spits semen, and I fell down the stairs and my shoes fell off. As a result I busted my ankle. In fact, right now I can see a little piece of the bone sticking out. I'm just sitting in my recliner and my foot is like dangling off the side of the recliner. It smells really bad, like the fuckin marrow, like the bone marrow is draining or something. Plus these giant horse flies keep biting at it.  But this last week gave me a lot of time to pray to Buddha, read my where's Waldo books, play my skin flute,  and shampoo my crabs. Its a good thing G-Unit likes sea-food.

Anyways, I felt like you didn't trust me and I was very hurt by that. I didn't deserve anything along those lines. G-Unit has a confession and he talked some sense into me. By the way I earned 8,000 more dollars so we have about 12,000 to send you. But G-unit makes perfect sense. He believes this whole thing to be a scam and he said he didn't send the money thorough western union because he thinks you are a scammer Big Poppa Pump and he thinks you want to just take our money and buy Jesus juice, rice, moon pies, chocolate covered ovaries, magic shamrocks, snozberries, parking cones, and crusty furby feeces.

I can't say I don't believe him because he makes so much sense and when I watch him gyrate with the macarena, I believe anything he says. He says we will send the money all 12,000 when you take a picture of yourself holding a sign that says "Big Poppa Pump is your hook-up". By doing so, we know that you are a real person and you are legitimate and we will do business for sure. I have sent you so many pictures of me and G-unit and you have only sent me that passport and G-unit thinks you made it on your super Nintendo

So take that picture scan it and send it to me and we will send you the money. Hopefully we will have 15,000 dollars soon. But I need the picture by Thursday otherwise no business, because after Thursday I will be moving to go undercover in the underground Filipino-boy love nest for 2 months and when I get back I will find someone else to send my money too.

too legit, too legit too quit, can't touch this, shake that monkey, brass monkey, that funky monkey,
shock the monkey, you got to shock the monkey, west side!!!!!
Sal Manilla
Send the picture by Thursday morning big-poppa pump, the clock is a tickling, like my french ticklers tickles hot-karls elmo.

 

From Jacob Ndu to Sal Manilla:

Dear Brother,
Thanks for your mail, well for your request i have to send to you my pictures and if you still need more i
will still send it to you. i am understand that you did not trust me but by the time this money will get
into your bank account you will belive me. I am a man of my world and i still beleive that there is brother
around the world and by so doing you will be the brother i have in the state.

So, my brother like as i told you before that i have some money to use for this transaction if you can come
up with the one you have now tha means that we have conculd the deal.

please my brother go ahead and send the money that we can use to statr this business,with out westing our
presures time. my brother i want you to go to the western uninon money transfer to send the money today
and send to me the recipt of the payment so that i will go and pick up the money and give it to the
Attorney so that he will statr processing the approvals of the fund to be transferred into your bank
account. i think that i have gave you all of my datas that will make you to beleive me.
As you may know me my brother i am very stright forward person i do not like some one telling lies and
also some one shiting on some one or the riach presing the poor.

please do not ask some one to go and send the money, i want you to by your self today and make the payment and try scan the western uninon payment recipt to me today.

I hope you still have the name? Emmanuel Nwachukwu.
send the control numbers.

question then the anwser will be Lagos

Location Lagos Nigeria.

Please i will like if you can send to me your direct telephone number to contact you i want to talk to you
on phone because the business we are doing  is not a child's play it involves  hug money and it will not be
transacting on the internet alon.

I am waiting to hear from you as you get this mail.

Regards,

Yours Brother.

 

From Sal Manilla to Jacob Ndu:

Mr brother,

Please read this carefuly to el comprende essay.
I told you, I need a picture of you holding up a sign that says "Big Poppa Pump is the hook up written on it." Me and the Jedi council of elders (Me, G-Unit, My wife,  Hot Karl, stay-puffed marshmellow man, splinter, Lt. Worf, Riddick, and Colonel Sanders) all agree that you need to have someone photograph you, or you have to photograph someone else  holding up a sign that says "Big Poppa Pump is the hook up" before I send the money. We have written the check and I will deliver it personally to western union as you requested once we have the picture of you holding the sign or your lawyer or someone else holding the sign with the words "big poppa pump is the hook up" written on it. Otherwise no deal. This must be done by Thursday!!! We have the check for 14,323 dollars and I will send it personally if this is done by Thursday.

I wonder if heaven got a ghetto,
Sal Manilla

BIG BAD BOOTY DADDY NOTE:  The amount of money keeps changing, but he never seems to catch on to that.

 

From Jacob Ndu to Sal Manilla:

Dear Brother,

Goodmorning,

How are you and your family today?  I hope all is well with everybody  to God be the glory.  Like as you
requested I took my time, and went to the photograph studio this morning to take the picture as you
requested and even use one of the wears to I send to you including the shoes which I sent to you yersterday
to enable you, have trust in me like I do trust you.

My brother, I'm sending you this my picture with the code which hold in my hand and also weaving you for you to be sure, that I am the real person I sent you before, If others are fake my own deal is fake I want you to understand that In every twelve there must be Judas, in case if you having double mind to do business with me.

Please remove every atom of doubt let us achieve our common goal.  I am a very striaght forward human being I dont like someone telling lies, that is why I sent to you all my datas even if you come to my Nigeia I will take you to my house you will see my family, I dont have any skelecton in my cupboard.

So like as I asked you about Africa wears, please my brother if you due like Africa wears give me your size
and your wife's size let me get it for you.

Here is the instruction how you are going to make the payment today.  And send the receipt of the payment
through scan attachement to enable me collect the money and give it the Attorney who is going to secure
all vital documents of fund.

1.  Mr. Emmanueal Nwachukwu
    Lagos Nigeria.
    Text Question who is the sender?
    Answer Your full name :  Sal Manilla
    Control Numbers.............
    The Amount will be splited US$4,000 each into three,     the remaining two Thousand should be send
just like     that.  With same information as you send the control     numbers.

    Please rembmember to give me your direct telephone    number for easy communications, so that I can call you for receipt of the payment.

    Regards,

    Big Poppa Pump

 

BIG BAD BOOTY DADDY NOTE: I am stunned we got the picture out of him this easily.  It doesn’t look anything like his passport, but I’ll take it.

 

RIGHTWING NUTCASE NOTE:  Never…thought…we’d…actually…get…it.  Now we have to go in an entirely new direction to see if we can still drive him nuts.

 

From G Unit to Jacob Ndu:

Big Poppa Pump,
    Have you told Sal Manilla not to talk to me?  He is ignoring my phone calls, faxes, and smoke signals and I think you are responsible.  If you have taken my hard stolen fruitloops and given Sal the $$$ from this business venture without telling me, I will go Pulp Fiction on your ass.  "...for you will know my name is The Lord."
    I have been on pins and needles(actually sticking pins and needles in my ass to keep me awake) waiting on your money.  I'm not so sure you are my hookup.  If I have to tell Alcoholics Anonymous about you, you will be sorry.  It might take away from my selling pez on the streets to truck stop hookers, but it would be worth it.
    SHOW ME THE MONEY!  SHOW ME THE MONEY!

Yippee Cay Ay, Motherfucker,
G-Unit

 

From Jacob Ndu to G Unit:

WHY ARE YOU PLEYING WITH ME. I HAVE BNEN TO WESTERN UNIOUN AND THERE IS NO MONEY. IF YOU ARE SERIOUS THEN YOU WILL SEND ME THE MONEY YOU HAVE GATHERED SO THE ATTORNY CAN FINISH THIS TRANSACTION.

 

REGARDS,

 

JACOB NDU

 

From G Unit to Jacob Ndu:

Big Poppa Pump,
    I am as close as the hairs on a gnat's ass to going to the AARP and the Motion Picture Association of America and telling on you.  I have the money for you and Sal Manilla, and you have not sent our pile of fruitloops.  I'll bet you decided to spend all the money on furniture polish, beef jerky, and skittles.  Damn, son, put down the porno mag!

    I didn't tell Sal Manilla, but I burned half the cash he told me to send you.  I am protecting him from you.  I did send half of it - $2,678.94 - to that Emmanual Nwochok-chok-chok...what-the-fuck-ever-screwed up name you told us to with the control number 4000010009.  The question was "How many boards would the Mongols hoard if the Mongol Hoards got bored?"  The answer was "Lagos."

    I no longer believe or trust you Big Droppa Dump(yes, I changed your name, since you are a lying sack of shit).  I sent you our hard earned crack and pez selling twat money and you haven't cut us a check or anything for our share!  Do I need to show you what I did to Hans from the Nakatomi building?  That greasy spot learned my shit the hard way.  If I have to buy a ticket to Nigeria, I expect you to meet me at the airport so I can whip your ass in public!  Just try not to bleed on my blue suede shoes.

    Sal Manilla will not talk to me.  He said something about a picture that will make him trust you, but I think he is playing me.  Show me da money!

Yippee Cay Aye, Motherfucker!
G-Unit

 

RIGHTWING NUTCASE NOTE:  The only way at this point to keep this going is to go totally over the edge(which I’m not sure how much more over the edge we can go at this point).  We’ve got the picture we wanted, so maybe we just waste more of his time.

 

From Jacob Ndu to Sal Manilla:

Dear Brother,

I did not had from you after i sent you my picture with the sign you asked me, still yet i have not had
from you please if you are not in this deal let me know.

Regards,
Yours Brother

From G Unit to Jacob Ndu:

Big Poppa Pump(if indeed that is your real code name),
    I am seriously pissed that you have not responded to me and have not yet sent my fruitloops.  Sal Manilla is ignoring me, and if you sent him the money without letting me know, I will fuck up your cute little world.  I don't handle betrayal very well - in fact, I cut the skin off of the ass of the last guy that did that and stretched it out over new bongo drums I was making.  Speaking of bongo drums, can you play "Copa Cabana" on a set of bongo drums?  I saw Ricky Ricardo do it once, but it's a lot harder than it appears.  Also, when it comes to stewed prunes, are three enough, or are four too many?
    I guess I keep getting off topic.  I sent you our hard earned crack and moon pie money via western union(all 10,987 fruitloops of it), and I expect a return on my investment.  I am considering flying to Nigeria to whip your scrawny little ass, as well as doing some shopping in a mall in Lagos, but that might be too time consuming.  Would you buy me a ticket?  That way you can stand there in the airport so I can beat you with a garden hose, "and you will know my name is The Lord!"
    I guess I can always go to plan "B."  I was hoping not to hurt Sal Manilla, but if you two fucktards are going to betray me, I can grab Sal Manilla and hold him in a vat of green jello and mayonnaise until you send me what's rightfully mine.  I've already gotten the number of the Screen Actor's Guild, and I will call Toby McGuire if you can't give me what's mine.

Yippee Cay Ay, Motherfucker!
G-Unit

 

BIG BAD BOOTY DADDY NOTE:  Yes, the money keeps changing in amount(mostly because we were too lazy to ever write it down and remember it when responding), but Jacob never noticed.  Time to really throw him for a loop.

 

From Sal Manilla to Jacob Ndu:

Dear Big Poppa Pump,

I am very serious about doing business with you that I know you are a real person and that you have kept your word every step of the way. Step by Step, day by day. yippie Kay yay. G-Unit called me today and threatened to kidnap me because he still believes you are fake and you are going to betray us. He says he was going to kidnap me and take me to the nudist colony at the beaches and he was going to beat me with all little sharp trinkets that he found on the beach and that him and hot karl were going to tie me to a motor boat and drag me around like a fool and that they were going to rub sand baskets all over my ass-neck and hot beach sand all over my assy nipples.

I kept trying to deliver the money to western union today but G-Unit is waiting outside my house holding my lawn gnome hostage. He says if I delivered the money to western union he would grease my lawn gnome up with hot butter and pile-drive his ass senseless. Then he said he would soak him in lamp oil and burn him the front yard in front my kids maurice(gangster of love,), starla, furby, pickachu, Yoda, 50-cent, Marky-Mark, bettlejuice, and R-Kelly.

Anyways he called me on the payphone and disguised his voice to sound like Ed Mcmahons but I knew it was G-unit, he said if I sent you the money he would do those bad awful things to me.

Oh shit, he’s sawing down my screen door with a chainsaw right now.  Help me Big Poppa Pump!!!!!! Call the Poe-Poe. He’s in the house naked and he just Macarenaed my wife into oblivion. Now hes revving the chainsaw and hot oil and gas is squirting all over and he’s laughing crazy. Help me Big Poppa Pump, I gotta go see if I can fight him off. Help me my brother. He will steal the money and use it to buy jockstraps and x-men flavored condoms. UGHGHGHHSHUDHOCOHOHOGFDHOGDOVOXHVOJHXOjhdojghodghohvojbxcnojvcdsovhsodhvojvblowmesdgihodgi'pg'\p[]gp\5puy[]ot[]hnpfdhp[\]tp4\uyp6\uo6[oij[gn\6pu\]p8[oj[yoj[o5\o5u[\hidsghoishjoihdsgohdsgohgohoheohd  ]oyikjoik5j]oik5oo5-oik.

I am fighting him off, dammit Jim I'm a doctor not a mouseketeer.

Damsel in distress
Sal Manilla

 

RIGHTWING NUTCASE NOTE:  At this point, he tries to smooth things over with me and sent me his Big Poppa Pump picture as well.

 

From Jacob Ndu to G Unit:

Dear Brother,
 
Goodmorning,
 
How are you and your family today?  I hope all is well with everybody  to God be the glory.  Like as you
requested I took my time, and went to the photograph studio this morning to take the picture as you
requested and even use one of the wears to I send to you including the shoes which I sent to you yersterday
to enable you, have trust in me like I do trust you.
 
My brother, I'm sending you this my picture with the code which hold in my hand and also weaving you for you to be sure, that I am the real person I sent you before, If others are fake my own deal is fake I want you to understand that In every twelve there must be Judas, in case if you having double mind to do business with me.
 
Please remove every atom of doubt let us achieve our common goal.  I am a very striaght forward human being I dont like someone telling lies, that is why I sent to you all my datas even if you come to my Nigeia I will take you to my house you will see my family, I dont have any skelecton in my cupboard.
 
So like as I asked you about Africa wears, please my brother if you due like Africa wears give me your size
and your wife's size let me get it for you.
 
Here is the instruction how you are going to make the payment today.  And send the receipt of the payment
through scan attachement to enable me collect the money and give it the Attorney who is going to secure
all vital documents of fund.
 
1.  Mr. Emmanueal Nwachukwu
    Lagos Nigeria.
    Text Question who is the sender?
    Answer Your full name :  G UNit 
    Control Numbers.............
    The Amount will be splited US$4,000 each into three,     the remaining two Thousand should be send
just like     that.  With same information as you send the control     numbers.
 
    Please rembmember to give me your direct telephone  number for easy communications, so that I can call  you for receipt of the payment.
 
    Regards,
 

    Big Poppa Pump.

 

From Jacob Ndu to G Unit:

Dear Brother,
 
How are you today? i sent mail yesterday but no reply.
kindley get back to me.
 
Yours Brother,
Big Poppa Pump.

 

From Jacob Ndu to Sal Manilla:

Dear Brother,

Thanks for your mail, I thanks you once more to understand that i am the real person.My brother please
i want you to let your brother know that you will not betray him in  this transaction. i am also happy that
i am dealing with an intelegent people.

Brother, let us get this money $45.5m transferred to you first, after the money might have transferred we
can relocate to another country to invest the fund, But what  do you suggest about this idea? you should
feel free and send the money today with out delay so that the processing of  all the approvals of the money
will commece. with the help of the Attorney.

And as soon as the all the approvals is ready i will send the original classified document which will be
finally endorse by you for onward transfer of the said fund $45.5m into your bank account without further
delay. I advise you to be in good relationship with your brother so that we all will be on round table
meeting to celebrate our golden moment in America with our family.

Extend my greetings to your lovely wife and your family, I hope to meet with you very soon in America.

Have a nice day.

Regards,

Big Poppa Pump.

Note: try to send the money today to enable us to
starte the processing the transaction immediately

 

From Jacob Ndu to Sal Manilla:

Dear Brother,
Good day my friend, how are you doing today hope all is well with you and your family?  Well I have not had from you regarding our transaction which you supposed get back to me to enable me know our stand in this transaction. My brother you have made me fool before my Attorney, please if you still have the interest  of this deal do let me know because time is not on our side.
 
If you can not send all the money like as you promised, do send the one you have then I will join it
with the one I have so that the Attorney can start his job by processing all the approvals which I promised
to send to you by (D HL) for your perusal.
 
I am waiting for you to send the money today and send to me the information of the payment or if you are not longer interesting let me know so that I will look for another person.
 
Regards,
 

Big poppa pump.

 

RIGHTWING NUTCASE NOTE:  I guess he didn’t understand.  I’ll have to get nasty about it.

 

From G Unit to Jacob Ndu:

Big Poppa Pump,
    I now have Sal Manilla in my possession.  After disguising myself to look like Harry Potter on acid, I snuck into his house by blowing down his screen door.  I think he was typing an email to you at the same time, because we'd hit each other like in the old Batman TV show(KAPOW! ZAM!) and then he'd go back to the computer to type real quick.  It got old after a while, but the etiquette of Fight Club must be observed.
    After I subdued him with a combination of moves I learned from watching "Thunder Cats," I wrapped his head in bubblewrap and whisked him away to my secret hideout at 1300 Summit Street, Kansas City, Missouri, 64105 - phone # 816-512-8200.  I put silly string all around the perimeter in order to discourage guests and hung a big sign that reads "Secret Hideout - Keep Out!  This Means You!."  That should keep everyone from getting too curious.
    I want all the money you and Sal Manilla have promised me.  I sent you all the money(I'm tired of calling it fruitloops) I had and you haven't sent me anything.  Sal Manilla claims that he hasn't received any money, so either he's lying or you are holding out on me.  Don't hold out - give it up right now.  If you ever hope that Sal Manilla escapes the dungeon of marmalade and saran wrap, you'll give me the $45.5 milliion you claim to have.  If not, I'll have to pluck out all his eyebrows and feed his testicles to the ferrets.  We gave you our banking information, so we now want our money.  If that's not good enough, just send a check to my secret hideout's address.
    Just in case you doubt me, I've enclosed a picture of Sal Manilla receiving the infamous flashlight torture technique.  Here is a quick typing from him so you'll know I'm for real:

"Help me Big Poppa Pump!  G-Unit is a mad man.  He pile drived my lawn gnome and is threatening to make me watch Gigli.  I had no idea he could be so vicious.  I have tried to tell him that you're going to send us the money any day now, but he says that since he sent you the money, he wants it all.  Help me before it gets worse."

    If that doesn't convince you, I will let Sal type from his own email address tomorrow or the next day.  I broke into his account(I know voo-doo mysticism, so it wasn't that hard), and I saw that you have tried to drive a wedge between us from the beginning.  I saw the emails of mine you forwarded him, you scum-sucking piece of shit.  When I get the money together to go to Nigeria, I will find you.  Be out in the open so it will be easy.

Yippe Cay Ay, Motherfucker,
G-Unit

 

RIGHTWING NUTCASE NOTE:  The address and phone number is to the FBI field office in Kansas City.  The subject line of the next email was “WHOM WILL I TRUST????????”

 

From Jacob Ndu to both Sal Manilla and G Unit:

Dear Brothers,
 
Goodday all of you.
 
Well is like you guys are not intresting in this project. i did not like the way you guys are treting
your good self over my money that i want you people to assist so that this money can move out of this
country.
 
Two of you are confusing me about this transaction, one will say he gave this money the other will say he
gave to the other whom will i trust among of you? please i want two of you to make peace among of your
self. so that we can move ahead to make sure we transfer this money out of this country and invest the
money for our goods.
 
Now, two of you are fighting over money that never approve to transfer out what if this money has been
transferred into one of you's account tell me how I will get my own money when i come over to the state?
 
You guys have put fire in me i do not know where to go again, please my brothers i want you people to make peace and send this Attorney's fee so that the Attorney will statr processing all the Approvals like
as i promised i will send all the approvl Document by (DHL) for your perusal.
 
I am waiting to hear from you guys tomorrow whit good news that you have make peace among your selfs.
 
Regards,
 

Big Poppa Pump

 

BIG BAD BOOTY DADDY NOTE:  He seems a little bit confused.

 

From G Unit to Jacob Ndu:

Big Poppa Pump,
    You don't know who to trust?  Well, I don't know who to trust.  I have had issues with trust my entire adult life.  MOTHERFUCKING COCKSUCKING SHIT STAIN.  GO HUMP WATER BUFFALO DILDOS!!!!  Damn, there goes that Roulette's Syndrome again.  I'll try to fix that.
    I don't understand what the hell you are talking about.  Sal Manilla told me that you had all that was necessary to fix this transaction so we could all get rich beyond the dreams of Chevy Chase.  I have been dreaming about buying Lincoln Logs and a new dildo with a shoulder strap and kick stand for my wife - Amanda Hugnkiss - with all the money you have said you already gotten.  I sent you the money via Western Union a week ago and you still haven't done anything with it.  If you don't have enough, then I need to know that so I can sell Sal Manilla's kidneys on the black market in order for us to get all the money we need.  Do you need more?
    I still have Sal Manilla tied up in my garage, but Amanda Hugnkiss is worrying me that she might try to help him escape.  I walked in on her giving him a handjob this morning.  She told me that the ropes would be tighter if he had an erection, but I don't think that was the real reason.  I skull fucked her real good and then plunged it in her ass to teach her a lesson.
    Tomorrow I will let Sal Manilla email you.  He keeps crying and whining about his bikini wax hurting, but then I slap him around with my 12 pounds of purple headed love sausage and he stops.  I need you to know I am serious about this.  I need this money.  Cops don't make much here and I've had to start pimping my monkey in order to make ends SHITTY LITTLE TWAT WITH NO SPOOGING ASSHOLES meet.  Damn, Roulette's syndrome sucks.  If you can't get this transaction to work, I will have to figure out a way to "dispose" of Sal Manilla.  Don't worry - since I'm a cop, I can deflect the investigation.  Hey, that might even be a good idea, since it would mean more money for us two.  Do you really give a shit what happens to Sal Manilla?  If not, we can do him here.  Or Amanda Hugnkiss can do him.  Or she can do you.  Maybe I could do you, your wife, your cockerspaniel, and your next door neighbor's lawn gnome?
    I hope you have not betrayed me and are going to keep the money.  I would hate to look on priceline.com and find a ticket to Nigeria to open up a can of whoop-ass on you.  But if you have just taken my money and run around the block with it, "you will know my name is the Lord!"

Yippee Cay Ay, Motherfucker,
G-Unit

 

From Jacob Ndu to G Unit:

DEAR BROTHER,

THANKS FOR YOUR MAIL, YOU SAID YOU SEND MONEY VIA WESTERN UNINON MONEY TRANSFER LAST WEEK? IF YOU KNOW THAT YOU ARE SAYING THE TRUTH SEND THE CONFIRMATION OF THE PAYMENT TO ME I MEAN THE RECIPT OF THE PAYMENT BY
SCAN ATTACHMENT TODAY TO ME. SO THAT I WILL BELIVE YOU TO ME I DID NOT BELIVE THAT YOU SEND MONEY. THE OTHER TIME YOU SENT ME FAKE CONTROL NUMBER NOW HOW COULD I TRUST YOU NOW OR BELIVE THAT YOU SENT MONEY BEFORE I CAN BELIVE YOU THAT YOU SENT MONEY YOU HAVE TO SEND TO ME THE RECIPT OF THE PAYMENT.AND THE NUMBER YOU GAVE TO ME I CALLED YOU A LADY ANSWERED ME AND TOLD ME THAT SHE DID NOT KNOW YOU.SO PLEASE GIVE YOUR DIRECT NUMBER
TO CONTACT YOU I REALY WANT TO TALK WHIT YOU ON PHONE.

REGARDS,

JACOB NDU.

From Jacob Ndu to G Unit:

DEAR BROTHER,
 
I HAVE NOT HAD FROM YOU FOR DAYS NOW, PLEASE I WANT TO KNOW IF YOU ARE STILL HAVE AN INTREST  OF THIS TRANCATION, IF YOU ARE WILL TO do this deal with me
give your wife the money to go and send it to me today and send to me the information so that the attorney
can start his job.
i am waiting to hear from you.

jacob ndu

 

From G Unit to Jacob Ndu:

Big Poppa Pump,
    Listen up asshole - I sent that money about a week ago with the control number 4000010009 and then threw away the receipt.  I did that because you said that we were doing super-secret squirrel shit and should not get caught.  Well, I am holding up my end of the bargain.  If I kept the receipt lying around, anyone from Alcoholics Anonymous could have found it and then we would have been truly screwed.  I will also note that you have used your real name in recent emails - this is a big no-no.  DON'T BLOW THIS FOR US BIG DROPPA DUMP!!!!  I am using discretion and you seem to be asking me to be careless, as well as being careless yourself.  What if Vixen Video was eavsdropping on our emails right now?  Why are you asking me to be careless when both our asses will go down for this?
    I would tell you to "fuck off" if I had not already sent you the money I had.  That's a lot for police officers from the Gang Bang unit to have, even if we did steal it from the police evidence room and sold pez and roofies to get more.  When was the last time you checked Western Union?  Have you been there recently?  If not, I would suggest you go again.
    Maybe it would be better if I came to Nigeria to finalize this transaction.  Would you like me to do this?  I can come alone, although I will be packin mucho heat.  I have a .44 Magnum - the most powerful handgun in the world - as well as a Mock450 Super Soaker I picked up at Wal-Mart.  That way I could protect both of us from anyone who would take our money.  When should I arrive?  I can make flight reservations tonight - would that be alright?
    As for you calling my super-secret hideout, I am sure you can figure out why Amanda Hugnkiss turned you away.  This is super-secret and you probably didn't use any code words.  Here is my private line - 718-722-0712.  Feel free to call it at any time.  You will know it is my hideout because I will probably answer the phone with the code phrase "Secret Service."  However, I am always on the lookout for people trying to blow my cover, so you should ask for G-Unit.  When the person on the other end of the line says he doesn't know what you are talking about(it will either be me or Amanda Hugnkiss), you need to go into detail immediately about the $45.5 million you have for us and the details of the transaction.  The first thing that should come out of your mouth should be this line, "I am from Nigeria and I have lots of money for you at no risk."  This will let me know that it is indeed Big Poppa Pump and not an undercover agent for the GhostBusters.  I or Amanda will then test you, but no matter what we say, you must continue to talk about how this will benefit us both and you have or have not gotten our money from Western Union yet.  After a while, you will wear us down.

Yippee Cay Ay, Motherfucker,
G-Unit

 

RIGHTWING NUTCASE NOTE:  Surely this retard wouldn’t be stupid enough to actually call the US Secret Service on himself.  Well, never underestimate the stupidity of a Nigerian scammer.

 

From Jacob Ndu to G Unit:

DEAR BROTHER,

THANKS FOR YOUR MAIL, I AM GOING TO CALL YOU NOW AFTER SENDING THIS MAIL TO YOU NOW.

BUT WHAT I WANT YOU TO DO NOW AS YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU LOST THE RECIPT. I WANT YOU TO MADE THE NAME WHICH I GAVE TO YOU.EMMANULE NWACHUKWU THE RECEIVER.

THEN SENDERS NAME THEN DO IT NOW SO THAT I CAN TRY AGAIN BUT IF IT IS FAKE THIS TIME THEN YOU WILL FORGET ABOUT THE DEAL.

IF YOU WANT TO COME TO NIGERIA THAT IS FINE YOU WILL WITNESS EVERTHING YOUR SLFE.

REGARDS,

JACOB NDU.

 

From Jacob Ndu to G Unit:

DEAR BROTHE I CALLED YOU NOW SOMONE TOLD ME THAT I AM
CALLING A WRONG NUMBER,PLEASE TELL ME YOUR REAL  NAME
I WANT TO CALL YOU NOW OK.
 
REGARDS,
JACOB
 
From Jacob Ndu to G Unit:
DEAR BROTHER,
 
THANKS FOR YOUR MAIL, I THINK THAT I AM TOO BIG FOR YOU TO BE INSULTING ME, THIS IS THE SEOND TIME THAT YOU DRAG ME TO THE WESTERN UNINON OFFIE WITHOUT GOOD RESLUT. SO ENOGH FOR THE DEAL. IF YOU KNOW YOU SENT MONEY GO AND WITDROW IT AND MAKE A NEW PAYMENT BUT IF THAT DID NOT PLEASES YOU YOU SHOULD FORGET THE DEAL LET ME LOOK FOR A PERSON WHO IS TRUST WORDED AND
STRIGHT SOMEONE TO DEAL WITH.
 
REGARDS,
 
J.
 
RIGHTWING NUTCASE NOTE:  This guy should be sterilized in the best interests of humanity so he can’t spread his retardation to the rest of the population.  Two times to Western Union?  Let’s see if we can get him to the airport.
 
From G Unit to Jacob Ndu:
Big Poppa Pump, 
    Why do you not use your code name?  You are giving me serious doubts about whether you are serious about this.  As for the money, I've already sent you over $8,000 through Western Union that I think you stole.  Tomorrow I will make flight arrangements to come to Nigeria to make sure you won't screw me over.  I expect you to pick me up at the airport.  If not, I will shave Sal Manilla bald and turn his testicles into new fangled Christmas lights.

Yippee Cay Ay, Motherfucker,
G-Unit
 
From Jacob Ndu to G Unit:
DEAR FRIEND, 

I HAVE CHANGE MY MIND BECAUSE YOU ARE LIYING TO ME.

IF YOU SENT THE MONEY SEND THE RECIPT OF THE MONEY THEN I WILL BELIVE YOU AGAIN.

BYE
 
From G Unit to Jacob Ndu:
Listen up, you stupid motherfucker,
    I told you I threw away the receipt after I sent the payment.  Not everyone is as scrupulous to details as you.
    I am flying in on Saturday afternoon - I leave tomorrow at 11:15am.  Are you going to be at the airport?

G-Unit
 
From Jacob Ndu to G Unit:
DEAR FRIEND,
 
I AM GALD YOU ARE COMING TO NIGERIA.  I LOOK FORWARD TO MEETING YOU AND RESOLING OUR DIFFICULTIES.  WHEN DO YOU ARIRIVE.
 
REGARDS,
 
JACOB NDU
 
From G Unit to Jacob Ndu:
Big Poppa Pump,
     Schmuck, stop using our fucking real names.  I will arrive at 10am Lagos time.  Be at the gate holding a sign that says “Big Poppa Pump is your hookup.”  I am going to teach you the meaning of the word “respect,” along with the meaning of the word “retarded.”
 
Yippee Cay Ay, Motherfucker,
G-Unit
 
From Jacob Ndu to G Unit:
SEE YOU TOMORROW.  I WILL MAKE ARRANGEMENTS FOR A LUXERY HOTEL IN LAGOS.
 
REGARDS,
JACOB NDU
 
RIGHTWING NUTCASE NOTE:  Okay, I’ve grown quite bored by now.  Time for us to come clean.
 
From the Big Bad Booty Daddy to Jacob Ndu:
Dear Jacob Poo Poo, aka Big droppa dump, 


Hey you dumb fuck, I have a confession to make you stupid faggot ass cock sucking catfish looking mother fucker.

I am a 20 year college student and I want to thank you for providing me and my friends with loads of entertainment you son of a bitch. We laughed at every single one of your e-mails for two months and your piss-poor shitty English. You are completely pathetic!

Sorry if my tone sounds superior but it’s because I'm America and your Nigerian. Americans are better than Nigerians and we know it. You should feel honored and privileged to have talked to an American because you are a filthy piece of trash.  You should also feel lucky to have some sort of intelligence thanks to the British colonizing over there otherwise you would still be chucking spears and praying over shrunken heads you heathen dildo-licking butt-pirate.

Fuck your Mrs. Buttersworth looking wife too. Me and my partner G-Unit(a.k.a. Rightwing Nutcase) would fuck her so hard syrup would bleed from her nose and after we were done we would fuck your daughters so hard that crazy shit on their feet would melt off then we would proceed to pimp those bitches out for pez, poprocks, and moon pies, but that’s after I plugged her butthole with my cock all night and sprayed hot semen in her crusty asshole. Then G-Unit would pee all over her face and cock slap her. Then we would go to your mothers house and start a small fire in her panties.

Thanks for trying to scam me asshole. It makes me feel good about myself to know that you are a moron who would waste his time trying to scam anybody for extra cash instead of working hard trying to earn a living. You're a piece of shit and If I ever met you I would make your life garbage. I would pistol whip the shit out of you until you begged for mercy. Then I would tell you if you want some mercy son, then take your ass to church. I would pound you into dust you fucking bum. I hope you get what you deserve. You should just go off somewhere and get AIDS and die faggot.

Thanks to the countless hours of entertainment you have provided, Right-wing nutcase and myself will be organizing our conversations into a better form and submitting it to the all time legend known as the Ebola Monkey Man.  We will laugh at your dumbass until the end of time on www.ebolamonkeyman.com. Look for your sorry ass mug to be posted on there also will all the rest off the fuckin freak-show retarded fucks that are here for our amusement
Go to hell and fry whistle-dick 
Big bad booty daddy!!!

 
From the Rightwing Nutcase to Jacob Ndu:
To the Awful Emmanule Nwachakwu/Jacob Ndu/Big Poppa Pump, 

    Since you are apparently too fucking stupid to figure it out, I think I will now clue you in - my partner - the Big Bad Booty Daddy - and I knew for a loooooong time(since you sent your first email) that you were nothing but a shitty-ass scammer.  You have provided hours upon hours of entertainment for me and my friends.  Let's recount how fucking stupid you were:
1.  You kept switching between your code name and Jacob Ndu, even after we gave you the code name.  Damn, man, get a clue.
2.  You went to Western Union not once, but twice - validating that you're a retard.
3.  You actually thought I was coming to Nigeria.  I'm only sorry I don't know if your dumb ass actually went to the airport or not.  Probably, since you're an idiot.
4.  You didn't provide us any further details about your lawyer - Emmanule Nwachakwu - and accidentally let it slip that you were the one going to try and pick up the non-existent cash.  Dear God, at least make this hard.
5.  You gave up your picture waaaaay too easily.  I was stunned you didn't put up more of a fuss.
    Scum sucking maggots like you are the kinds of people that, when they die, give Hell a bad name.  You try to steal, and then give people so little credit that you think they buy into your load of bullshit.  I hope you get some ebola monkey virus and puke up your own intestines.  You are a schmuck and even the word retarded doesn't do you justice.
    Don't worry about us forgetting about you, though.  Thanks to the countless hours of entertainment you have provided, the Big Bad Booty Daddy and myself will be organizing our conversations into a better form and submitting it to the all time legend known as the Ebola Monkey Man.  We will laugh at your dumbass until the end of time on www.ebolamonkeyman.com.  I'm sure people will also enjoy the new picture of you, showing your true nature and status.

Oooga Booga, Motherfucker,
The Rightwing Nutcase

PS - Suck a dick, suck a BIG dick!!!!!
 
BIG BAD BOOTY DADDY NOTE:  After the kiss off email, I almost felt bad, but then I remembered the great times Jacob and I had together.  It was a rollercoaster ride of crying, hugging, humping, and laughter.  This one was so fun that I started searching everywhere for someone just as stupid, but I’m sure Jacob is unique.  Maybe “special” would be a better word.  “Short bus special” that is…
 
RIGHTWING NUTCASE NOTE:  I haven’t laughed this hard in my entire life.  If only all scammers were like Jacob.

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